Men do it better

Not often you would hear me say that a man could do something better than a woman, I don't mean this is any competitive sense, there are plenty of things that my husband is better at than me - changing the car engine oil, map reading, anything related to numbers,  but we all know that women generally can do all these things as well as men.  But there is this one thing that I think men trump us women on.  I am not exactly sure what it is called, maybe it's self-care, or getting me-time, or time for themselves.  Whatever you want to call it, men seem to be able to get it, and get it without feeling guilty about it.

Let me give you some examples.
My husband recently bought himself a new exhaust for his car.  (This in itself is an example of him not feeling bad about putting his interests as a priority.  His car is his hobby and he was happy to  spend a not insignificant amount of money on it.  I on the other hand have not felt able to spend an equal amount of money on the Leonie Dawson Academy that I have been thinking about joining for months because it feels self-indulgent, not a priority, even though it could potentially benefit the whole family.) When the exhaust arrived he decided he would spend a Saturday morning fitting it.  He didn't ask me if that was ok, if I minded looking after the boys while he did it (I didn't mind) He just did it.  It was something he wanted to do, something he enjoyed doing so he just did it.  I never for a second thought he was being selfish or self-indulgent in doing this.

Me on the other hand, when I wanted to spend a couple of hours making some art (for my business) I felt like I had to gravel and grovel with my begging bowl to him to ask for a couple of hours to myself, feeling immensely guilty for even asking.  Not because he would have had any objection but because of my own personal feelings on it. Why?

Here is another example a friend of mine's husband loves mountain biking, he regularly goes to mountain biking events and even takes days of annual leave from work to go and do his hobby.  Does he feel guilty about it?  Does he feel like he is being self indulgent?  I doubt it, because he knows that taking time for himself and his interests is important.
Why don't I feel like this when needing a few hours to myself, when he had no qualms what so ever?

A final third example, we were going on a walk round a lake near us recently and got chatting to a man who was stood with his friend who had stayed over night at the lake in a tent to do his hobby - fishing. We were asking his friend questions about the competitions his friend takes part in and what he was hoping to catch that day.  The man amused us for a while, answering our questions but then confessed that the real reason his friend was camping over and spending the day fishing was to get away from it all and have some time to himself.  I couldn't help thinking that this man had the right idea. But still for me to do something like; going away for a night by myself to do something I enjoy that would not only take a great amount of courage and decisiveness, but also a shed load of guilt. WHY??

I have really been puzzling over the answer to this, I am not sure I am there yet, maybe it's because historically us women have traditionally been the ones to look after the house and children whilst the men go to work and didn't take part much in the child rearing and house keeping and this feeling of responsibility has been hard to shake over the years.  Like some sort of ancient garment we insist on carrying around on our shoulders, or perhaps that society still places on our shoulders; we just haven't been able to shed this relic.

Maybe men are just better at fulfilling those needs than we are.  Maybe through some sort of masochism we insist on pushing and pushing ourselves without taking a break or a rest to prove something to ourselves, our partners, society?  We CAN do it all we insist, and we can do it without a break.  Whereas men don't feel the need to prove themselves in this way because they already receive the recognition through their paid employment.  (Which leads me to wonder if women who are in paid employment as opposed to unpaid (as in the full-time-mother- role) also feel guilty when taking time to themselves or if they are able to acknowledge it as a necessity not a luxury?)  I am thinking out loud now, and possibly rambling a bit.

I am sure there is plenty of studies out there which have asked these same questions, all that I can say with absolute certainty is that we NEED to take time to ourselves, it's absolutely essential, parenting is highly intense work.  And just to clarify I don't think it is the fault of men that we sometimes feel guilty in taking time to ourselves, I think it is something we ourselves need to take responsibility for.  I still haven't worked out how to do this without the guilt, so it anyone has the answer I would welcome it with open arms.  It's something I need to make more of a priority in the coming weeks with the impending birth of our third child, but I am sure some of you will agree with me that's it's really hard to do.

I do have planned another Gentle Parenting Retreat on 22nd of May for this exact reason, so please get in touch if you are interested.

Gratitude

Sometimes I get a bit down in the dumps.  I feel like I am losing my way with the boys, shouting, getting frustrated and impatient all the time. I feel like the house is always a mess and the boys seem to leave a trail of destruction in their wake.  I turn my back for what seems like 30 seconds and when I look again a whole roll of toilet paper has been unrolled, all the shoes have been taken off the rack, all the books off the bookshelf and there is a pile of sand on the living room floor!  Is this a habit particular to my children? Or maybe it's because they are boys?  Or maybe it's my fault for leaving a roll of toilet paper within reach?  Whatever the reason, it is easy to get bogged down with the frustrations of day to day life as a full time mama and forget to capture the beautiful and precious moments and the sparks of joy.  Sometimes I can't see the wood for the trees, everything seems like such an effort and a bother and there never seems to be enough time for anything, I am always chasing my tail trying to catch up.

I am the sort of person who does a lot of soul searching from time to time and I was having a moment recently, thinking about regrets and opportunities missed, not a good path to go down I know, but it got me thinking that one of the reasons I feel like I don't make the most of life at any given point is that I am always looking for the next thing, the next stage.  I am thinking "things will be better when..." or "when such-and-such happens, they I can be truly happy" or "I will be an amazing mum when...",  I never seem to be able to value just being here. 

But here is where I am, and now with the power of hindsight, the sadness and regret that comes with the memory of missed opportunities, I know that I need to grab here and live it and love it.  I only get here once and with the passage of time visible in front of me in the living and ever changing form of my children, I am even more acutely aware of how much I must appreciate there here and now.

I remember thinking years ago how much I wanted so badly to be a full time mum, that it was all I ever wanted, that life would be complete once I was one and that it was what I had always meant to do.  I read a quote or a phrase or something recently about how you already have the things you wished for yesterday (something to do with the law of attraction or something) and it hit me like a big piano dropping out of a third storey window.  I am living the dream I had all those years ago.  What an idiot I am for not even noticing and appreciating this fact!

A few days ago I read an article about a woman who was paralysed from the neck down after a skiing accident.  These sorts of stories don't usually affect me, I am a strong believer in all things being relative, but this time it really did affect me.  I just thought about how terrible it would be for me to not be able to move, to not be able to look after my children, the one thing that I have wanted my whole life.  It made me me realise that I need to stop whinging and woman up. Start appreciating the things I have and stop focusing on how hard everything is.

One habit that I am trying to pick in order to help me to be more appreciative of life is to express gratitude daily, I am currently using an app on my phone to record 15 things I am grateful for everyday (or when I remember).  This is helping me to appreciate the good things that I have in my life, from being thankful that I have all my limbs in working order to being thankful for big cups of tea, or that my son did a poo today.

Here is today's list:
Today I am thankful that:
1. It has been a beautiful sunny day,
2. None of us got a tic while we were at Forest School,
3. The boys didn't wake till 8am,
4. I had enough fuel to get to Forest School and back,
5. The tadpoles seem much happier in their new washing-up-bowl home,
6. There were vegan biscuits at Nursery Service,
7. I had lots of "I love you mummy, you're my best friend" from Boris,
8. We found a beautiful beetle,
9.I got to catch up with a friend today and that her worries about her health were unnecessary.
10. I received complements on my clothes,
11. The vegetables seem to be growing well,
12. I am feeling energised to keep the house clean and tidy,
13. The bean casserole I made for dinner was delicious,
14. The new blades for my Magic Bullet came today,
15. We can have a quieter day tomorrow.

My word of the year this year is ENJOY.  But I think I have been forgetting it because I haven't been enjoying life that much sometimes. By expressing gratitude for what I have, what I do, who I am etc, I will find more enjoyment it in and more enjoyment in life.  An enjoyable life is manifest because of the gratitude towards what is already here.

Fun Things to do With Toddlers - A Week of Activities!

We've been busy!  it's been a fun and activity filled summer, here are some of the things we have been doing in a bumper week of fun toddler activities. 

So our week of activities has come to an end and I really hope you have enjoyed it and found some of the ideas useful and inspiring.

Today we have our sofa slide which we have visited and re-visited many times this summer, or as Boris likes to call it, his "slippy-slide!"
Apologies for the quality of this photo and that lack of quantity, this activity was actually a while ago and I didn't think to photograph it properly because I just wanted to put it on Facebook.  (So sorry if you are a Facebook friend and you have seen this before!)

So basically what you are looking at is a slide made from sofa cushions with two big pieces of cardboard on top.  We used one piece of cardboard as a sort of sledge to slide of the the second piece. Literally hours of fun, or at least it would be if I had the energy!  Boris still needed supporting down the slide or else he slipped off the side! It was great fun, fab for gross motor skills and raising the heart rate.

So that's it folks, back to normal tomorrow, though I have really loved writing every day and hopefully with be a bit more frequent with my posting from here on in. 

Playing in the Sand

You would probably think that playing in the sand is something only slightly older children can do, babies would eat the sand obviously, so sand pits are a no-go for them.  Or are they?  I found the idea to create a sand pit for babies using edible sand, namely corn meal, and to my amazement a local supermarket actually had some, (it's also called polenta, but is a powder rather than a block that we are more familiar with).  If you are wondering where to find it, have a look in the "world foods" section in your supermarket, it's probably there in a very big bag made by an unfamiliar brand.
I put a load into a plastic tub and let Biscuit get stuck in with spoons and scoops, he ate it of course but that was ok because it was perfectly safe!  Yippie!

Of course the corn meal sand pit was much more exciting for Boris than his actual sand pit so he got stuck in there too!

Playing with sand (and corn meal) is a great sensory experience for both babies and toddlers, they can move it around with their hands and fingers, scoop it with cups and spoons; helping them to understand about volumes and the qualities of sand, and especially with corn meal, tastes and textures, there is so much learning potential with sand.  What activities do you do with sand?

Fun things to do with toddlers - Playing with corn kernels

This activity is very similar to the lentils activity which I posted a while ago, except it is far less messy, (as corn kernels are bigger the are much easier to pick up and find)  I did this activity in a large plastic box which also helped keep the kernels contained.

We scooped, we poured, we banged the measuring cups together, we drove cars through them, we even poured them over our heads!  It was all very therapeutic, them make a lovely sound when poured and feel great in your hands, also, unlike lentils, they don't stick to your hands quite so much. 

Boris had fun pushing them around with his fingers, hands, arms...yes he tried to get into the box.

All good fun.  We revisited the lentils activity a while ago using the plastic box to keep them more contained.  They were easier to manage but somehow I still found lentils in the nappies of both my children that evening!  Go figure!  

Later on we popped some of these kernels with butter as a delicious snack.

A Walk in the Woods

A couple of days ago, the sun was out (rare) so I decided to take the kiddos for a walk in some lovely woods near me.  The land which houses my allotment is directly next door to these woods and I am reliably informed by one of my allotment holder friends that the woods used to be an arboretum for a large manor house that used to stand nearby. There is a huge variety of trees in the small area of woodland which is fascinating and provides a fantastic learning environment for little ones to explore.
Here are a few snaps of our visit, even in the winter the place is beautiful, there are so many interesting textures, patterns and colours to stimulate the senses.

Puddles offer endless enjoyment to toddlers

Textures

Reflections

Beautiful vistas

The sun through the trees

I am much more relaxed when walking in the woods with Boris because I know he isn't likely to knock his teeth out if he falls, unlike if we are walking on the pavement.

Fascinating twisted trunk

Popping bubbles on the surface of a puddle

Feet photos

Lots of picking up of sticks and leaves

The all important selfie!

I really hope that as my boys grow up, visiting the woods becomes a part of our weekly routine, I think there is so much to learn from the forest and it makes me feel calm and grounded.  I hope they will find the same peace and tranquillity from the trees that I do.  I am so thankful that we have spaces like this near our home to enjoy. 

Do you have natural spaces near where you live?  Do you have children who like to explore the forest?

Fun things to do with toddlers - Paint in a bag

Like most great ideas, I got this fun activity off Pinterest.  Such a quick and simple way for a toddler to play with paint without all the mess! What could be better?

Begin by putting a few blobs of poster paint into a zip lock bag, then tape the bag to the table, floor, whatever. I taped it to the plastic mat that we put under Boris' high chair at dinner time.

The let them explore the paint with their fingers, they will probably wonder why the paint isn't going onto their fingers, Boris kept checking his!

Boris soon started getting quite excited, smearing the paint with his feet the lying on it and rolling around like a loon!  Love it!

Love the end result of the colours all mixing together.  Would be a fun activity to do with older children to help teach colour mixing.

I am not sure if I just have a toddler with a very short attention span or if this activity really is only interesting for ten minutes?  However it was good fun, super easy to set up and clean away, ideal for the mess-phobic out there.  I do have a bit of guilt in the fact that I am throwing away a plastic bag that will end up on landfill but in my case I couldn't use the bag again because Boris had started scratching at the plastic towards the end of the activity, damaging it so that it could easily have ruptured, potentially resulting in paint everywhere. I am definitely going to do this activity again with just black and white paint.  Could also add glitter to jazz it up a bit.

40 Soups - Bean and vegetable

Life with a toddler and a small baby is HARD, by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I thought parenting one child was hard, adding another to the mix takes parenting to a whole new level.  It can be very easy to forget to look after yourself when you are giving so much energy to your children.  In spite of my somewhat optimistic new years resolutions to take care of myself, my diet has been starting to slide, I had stopped planning meals and we were winging it at dinner time, cue lots of frozen veggie burgers, baked beans and *hangs head in shame* pot noodles.  So I realised it was time to inject some much needed vegetation into our diet.  So I planned a couple of veggie soups into our reestablished meal plan, one of which is this delicious and really healthy soup that takes hardly any time to make - Bean and vegetable soup.  

Isn't it colourful? It's easy, just get:

1/2 an onion,

2 cloves of garlic,

1 big carrot,

4 leaves of cavolo nero (or any type of kale),

Big handful of young spinach leaves,

1 carton of kidney beans,

1 chicken stock cube,

Fry the onions and garlic in a tablespoon of olive oil,

Add the carrot chopped into small cubes,

Add the finely chopped kale and spinach,

Add kidney beans,

Add enough boiled water to cover the vegetables and make it nice and soupy,

Add the stock cube, 

Cook on a medium heat for about 15 minutes or until the carrots feel soft,

Partially blend with a stick blender.

Enjoy your colourful soup with buttered toast. Yum, and at least 3 of your 5 a day!

P.S. I use all organic ingredients because I prefer not to consume all those yucky chemicals.  

2014 Here I Come!

Before I had children time used to go really slowly, I would be counting down the days of the week till the weekend came, weeks would pass agonisingly slowly as I would tick them off till the next school holiday and months seemed like years. When I went on a diet they would only last a few days because I just could not foresee keeping it up for a month let along any longer.  When I was pregnant with Boris it seemed like I was pregnant forever.  Time had little meaning, I barely noticed the seasons, there was little change in life.  Now time has taken on a new meaning.  Since having children it seems I can't keep up, time slips through my fingers like sand and before I know it a month has passed and I wonder what happened! My second son is two months old today!  Two months!  How did that happen? where was I and what on earth was I doing all that time?
Since having children I feel far better at envisioning achieving goals that could take months than I ever could before because it seems I can see time in  new way, it feels more physical, I can see it pass through the changes in my children, through the rapid drift from one season to the next, so as we approached the new year I started thinking about all the things I would like to change about my life and how I can go about making those changes over the coming weeks and months.
I have put together a Pinterest folder of images and links relating to some of the things I want to do and to help inspire me to get them done.  I would love it if you clicked on the image to take a look at some of my ideas.  Let me know what you think.

 

I love making New Years resolutions don't you?  It's a fresh start, anything seems possible, you have the whole year ahead of you, and let me tell you, I have made a few, so many in fact that I have had to categorise them!  My first category is Self Care, and I am beginning the year by completing the 21 Day Junk Food Challenge; no fast food, crisps, chocolate, sweets, biscuits, cakes, pastries, white bread, fizzy drinks or alcohol.  I have really pigged out this Christmas and feel like I need a bit of a cleanse.  It hasn't been a great start though, on the 1st of January I accidentally ate a packet of crisps and a bar of chocolate.  I know what you are probably thinking "how on earth could you forget!"  I guess it's because eating junk had become so habitual that it was just automatic to pick them up and eat them without thinking.  I am not giving up though.  My altered perspective on time reminds me that one day out of 21 makes little difference and it is still worth doing in spite of my lapse of awareness.  

I will share my other resolutions over the coming weeks (one is to blog once a week!) I think it will help me stick to them if I have shared them in a public arena!  Are you sharing your New Years Resolutions if you made them?  Leave a link and I will take a look.

Here's to a brilliant 2014 for everyone! 

Fun Things to do With Toddlers - Button Sorting

 Over the years I have amassed quite a collection of buttons from various places and they now all reside in this old lunchbox.  I had though it would be a fun activity for Boris to sort the buttons into different sections of an egg box or different pots and jars.  He is a bit young for this but he did very much enjoy looking at them, picking them up, throwing the about and taking them in and out of the box.  Hopefully when he is older we can use these buttons for counting games, colour and size sorting and crafts.  Until then however I am happy to let him enjoy the feel of them in his little fingers. It improves his fine motor skills and brings him pleasure through a sensory experience.

Getting the buttons out took no time at all, clearing up took a little longer because they were spread quite some distance across the carpet!  We had to end the activity when he got a bit over enthusiastic about throwing them and I had visions of fishing out buttons from between the sofa cushions for weeks to come.
He enjoyed this activity though with younger toddlers it does need to be closely supervised to ensure that no buttons are put into the mouth (or other orifaces!) I know in the not too distant future he will be able to play with them independantly without having to worry about choking of ingestion.

Coping with a Toddler During Pregnancy (without resorting to TV)

I am not a massive fan of writing blog posts that tell people how to do things as if I am some authority on the subject, however coping with a toddler during pregnancy is something I wondered about when I was pregnant with Boris (not his real name), I never could quite imagine how I would cope being so tired and so sore and also having a toddler to run around after.  It was hard enough sitting at a desk at work all day.  So since I am now pregnant AND have a toddler (and seem to be coping) it seems fitting to describe the experience and the methods I have used to avoid going crazy and/or collapsing from exhaustion! 
Many people wait until their first child is older before having a second for fear of not being able to cope in pregnancy and I want to reassure women who want a second baby but feel they might be too tired that you can do it, you just need to make sure that you aren't trying to do-it-all.  
During the early stages of pregnancy I experienced sickness and tiredness but was physically able to move around fine, now in the later stages of pregnancy, I no longer feel sick but am finding it harder to run around after my little boy and it is now that I am having to come up with more and more strategies to keep me going.
I know plenty of parents let their children watch TV to give them a chance to get on with housework etc, and that is fine for them, but for me, I wouldn't be comfortable with this, especially having read Remotely Controlled by Aric Sigman.  I know everyone does what they need to to survive and I would never judge anyone for resorting to TV during difficult periods, but for me and my family TV isn't a satisfactory choice.
So here are some of the ways that I have changed my lifestyle in order to cope with pregnancy and a toddler:

• Go to places where your toddler gets to run around and you get to sit down - I used to go to play grounds and parks a lot, also farms and lakes where I would walk around and let Boris run around while I ran around after him.  This has been ok, but I can't do it every day like I used to.  Instead I find it much more relaxing to go somewhere like the children's center or a toddler group where I can have a nice sit down and Boris gets to play with and show me all the exciting toys.  He burns up energy and i get to rest so it's a win win.  There is also opportunities for interaction with other children which is a learning experience for him and usually a chance for me to have a cup of tea and some good conversation with a grown up human!  Children's centers are great because they are free and usually have an outdoor space so your little one gets fresh air.  They also have areas set up with activities at tables so you can sit with your toddler while he explores some play doh or a puzzle for example.  There are usually toddler groups running every day so if you can travel then you can plan your week around toddler groups for maximum rest/play opportunities. 

•  Sleep when your toddler sleeps - I know this is a cliche and some people find it really annoying to be told this, but I find it quite useful to remind myself that it is OK to sleep when my toddler sleeps.  I am not saying to sleep every time your toddler sleeps, I know there are things that need to be done, but if you can get a day time nap at least a couple of times a week, it does make a difference.

• Provide stimulating activities for your toddler - I have found that if I spend a bit of time engaging my toddler in a planned, stimulating activity, he is much easier to cope with afterwards, he is often even happy to play by himself for a bit so I can have a sit down.  Obviously you have to  make the effort to come up with an activity, plan in, sort out the materials, set it up and get in there and play with your toddler, which can be tiring when you are pregnant, but it is worth doing on those days when you have nothing else planned.  Here are some ideas for fun things to do with your toddler.

•  Get out of the house as much as possible - I have found that my toddler goes stir crazy if I try to stay indoors with him all day.  Fresh air and a change of scenery make all the difference so I often take him to the park, for a walk or simply to a friend's house where he can play with other toys and explore different surroundings. Often something as simple as walking to the shops gives your toddler the chance to burn off some energy and get some mental stimulation from his surroundings.  My toddler loves to stop and look at every stick, stone, man hole cover and piece of littler.  Let them, it gives you a chance to stand still for a moment and will make things easier later on because they will have been stimulated.

• Create a routine - You don't have to stick to it rigidly, but I find that having a predictable routine for the week helps me to feel grounded and  reassured. I like knowing what the week is going to bring and although there is still room for spontaneity, regular activities anchor me throughout the week.  I think that they help Boris too.  So when I look at the week ahead I know that for example I usually meet my NCT group on a Monday afternoon, on Wednesdays I do the weekly shop and go to  Nursery Service at my local church, on Thursday I attend toddler group and on Friday I have my breastfeeding support group.  Just having these few things throughout the week that I know will occur is really reassuring for me, especially coming from a background that was ruled by schedule and repetition (teaching).

• Don't try to do too much - I usually plan no more than two activities during the day.  One before lunch and one after.  There are times when I will try to do one more things and it ends up being stressful, rushed, and I feel bad for Boris because he doesn't get to take his time with things like his lunch or examining a flower because I am rushing him on to the next activity.  It is much better to be realistic with what you can achieve in one day, take your time, be gentle with yourself and your toddler and don't worry about letting things go.  It is ok to miss a toddler group or meet up with friends that you normally do if it means you can do a one off activity that you want to do, rather than trying to squeeze both activities. I m saying this as much to myself as to anyone else because I am often guilty of trying to do too much. 

I really hope this list of ideas helps anyone out there who is pregnant with a toddler and struggling or anyone who is thinking about having another baby but not sure how they will cope.  I hope I can add to this list, so please let me know if you are pregnant and have a toddler, what do you do to help you cope?

What I am Currently Reading - Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

This is a fantastic book which turns everything you thought you knew about behaviour managements and discipline on it's head.
It advocated reasoning, love and persuasion as means of working with your children is preference to rewards and punishments, including time-outs and praise. Our society is so used to using these sorts of behaviour management techniques without question thanks to TV programmes such as Super Nanny, that any alternative seems hard to imagine but Kohn puts forward very persuasive arguments in favour of a different approach to working with children which is far more loving, nurturing and caring than the traditional techniques. 
I think there are a lot of misconceptions about this book going round such as that children are allowed to just get away with anything and aren't given any guidance as to how to behave, but it isn't like this it all, it really needs to be read to be fully understood and I think if you do read it you would find it very hard to fall back on the old techniques that are so frequently peddles by "behaviour specialists". 
The only negatives I can say about this book are that it is quite a hard, challenging read, it requires quite a bit of concentration to understand and would probably take several reads for all the information to truly sink in (this is the second time I have read it, although the first time I didn't manage to finish it)  The other thing I didn't like about this book was a small section which had a bit of a Bible bashing feel.  Kohn argues that an authoritarian approach to discipline has it's roots in certain religious belief systems, citing old testament fire and brimstone as proof of conditional love from God.  However I would argue that the Bible is filled with evidence that God loves us unconditionally because of what he did for us through Jesus, I would also argue that Christianity doesn't assume we are innately bad (as Kohn suggests) which is why we need saving and why we must be taught to behave, but that we are innately good but have gone astray.  This is obviously an extremely simplistic explanation which requires much much more that I can write in this book review (if you are interested read Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell), but ultimately I think that in spite of this small section, Unconditional Parenting is still an excellent and extremely useful read.

When I began reading I was furiously underlining sections with a pencil for future reference, but fell behind when I didn't have a pencil handy, so here are a few quotes,, but they are mostly from the beginning of the book:

"What counts is not just that we believe we love [our children] unconditionally, but that they feel loved in that way.

"This approach (unconditional parenting)  offers a vote of confidence in children, a challenge to the assumption that they'll derive the wrong lesson from affection, or that they'd always want to act badly if they thought they could get away with it.

"That's an argument not for more discipline, but for grown-ups to spend more time with kids, to give them more guidance, and to treat them with more respect."

"On balance, the kids who do what they're told are likely to be those whose parents don't rely on power and instead have developed a warm and secure relationship with them. They have parents who treat them with respect, minimise the use of control, and make a point of offering reasons and explanations for what they ask."

An extremely good book for anyone who is interested in gentle parenting, gently discipline and building a strong, respectful relationship with their children.

Eating at the Dinner Table

Eating at the Dinner Table is something most families do right?  They sit together and chat about their day and they plan for the rest of the week.  They get things off their chests, talk about their worries, have a laugh and enjoy good food in the company of each other.
Well until recently my family weren't doing this, we were eating in front of the TV with our meals on our laps and Boris sat in splendid isolation in the highchair, strategically angled away from the TV in the vain hope that he might not watch it, when in reality he was straining his neck to get a better look!
For ages I had been planning on sorting out the dining table which had been pushed against the wall and predominantly used as a desk for my husbands computer and a space for clutter to accumulate, but I never could quite muster up the motivation to clear it of all the detritus and pull it out.  Until a few weeks ago that is, when Boris was asleep and I had a rare moment of energy to sort out the mess and get the table out.  We have been eating at it for nearly every meal ever since and it is so much better.
My husband and I actually have conversations! (I know, shocking!)  It was tricky at first, if I am honest the first few meals involved a bit of bickering, some awkward feeling silent moments, but we are getting used to talking and eating together now and the conversations are flowing. 
I am also finding that we are watching far less TV.  Often the TV would go on a every single meal but now we are eating at the table it doesn't go on at all during the day.  Yes, we are eating Breakfast, lunch AND dinner at the table.  I actually find it really relaxing and often read a book if it is just me and Boris, the lack of noise pollution that emanates from the box is very calming and helps me to think straighter. It must be beneficial for Boris too, to see us eating and talking together, he will learn about how people communicate, eat politely and he will also benefit from the peace to allow his inner voice to speak.  Actually his outer voice has become quite entertaining around dinner times now too, especially since his highchair is next to the mirror, he has lots of conversations with himself as well as us! 
At first I found it really strange not having the TV on when I was eating, it felt like there was something missing, or that I was missing out on something.  I almost felt like I wasn't enjoying my food as much without being visually entertained, but that feeling has gone and I really do relish the peace and chance to connect with my husband and little boy.
There are also the health benefits that come with eating at a table.  We are much more aware of what we are putting into our mouths and in theory should be eating less as we are more able to concentrate on what we are doing.  There is also the digestive benefits in sitting at a table instead of hunched over on a squashy sofa.
Then there are the myriad psychological benefits from watching less television from a reduction in stress levels to greater sense of self-esteem.  (Read Remotely Controlled by Aric Sigman for more on the benefits of not watching TV)
So the move from sofa to table was, all-in-all a good move and something I am now totally used to. I hope we contine this good habit for many many years to come as we watch our family grow.  I look forward to all the conversations we will have round a table, the laughs we will share and the connections we will make with each other.
Do you eat at a dinner table?  What do you love most about it?

Why I Buy Organic

Some people can't understand why I spend more money on organic food when my family is already on a tight budget but to me it is totally worth it.   I try to buy as much as I can from the True Food Co-op, where I can buy loose fruit, veg and dried stuff like chick peas, lentils and raisins.  It seems better value for money too, but isn't always convenient so i often end up buying from the supermarket which isn't so good because of all the packaging. 
At the True Food Co-op you fill paper bags with your food and printed on the bags are the following reasons for buying organic food, some which you may not have considered:

1. For my well-being:
Hydrogenated fats controvertial additives like aspartame, tartrazine and MSG are banned under organic standards.

It has been argued that organic food does not contain any more vitamins and minerals than non-organic food, but for me it is what is NOT included that appeals more to me than the extras. I love the fact that my food is as nature intended with no chemicals that could potentially effect my health in unknown ways.

2. For animals:
organic standards insist that animals are given plenty of space and fresh air the thrive and grow, garunteeing a truly free-range life.

I care about animals and their welfare, I want them to have had happy lives before I eat them or their produce.  I believe that nothing good can come to your health by eating the flesh of an animal who had a stressful and unhappy life and death.

3. For wildlife:
Organic farms are havens for wildlife and provide homes for bees, birds and butterflies.

As above, I care about animals and wildlife, bees particularly are having a lot of problems and crops sprayed with chemicals are one of the potential culprits for their demise.

4. For GM free diet:
Genetically modified (GM) crops are ingredients are banned under organic standards.

I believe that food should be as nature intended, there is a difference between natural cross pollination and altering the genetics of a plant in a lab.

5. For the environment:
Organic farming releases less greenhouse gases than non-organic farming - choosing organic, local and seasonal food can significantly reduce your carbon footprint.

As an environmentalist I am passionate about the health of our planet, I am thankful that buying organic means I am having less of a negative impact on the environment. 

Do you buy organic?  Do you think it is worth the extra money?

Washable Wet Wipes

This post was first published on Serendipity Child on 27/07/2012

If there is one thing that most parents seem to not be able to live without then it has to be wet wipes.  I often hear other mothers lamenting the cost of nappies, formula and wet wipes and I sigh thankfully to myself and think how glad I am that I am not having to spend money on two out of those three essentials.

Don't get me wrong, I am no saint, I was using cotton wool and water for this first five months of my son's life, and still use disposable nappies but I realised that I needn't be filling up our dustbins with yet more detritus, that, although admittedly will eventually bio-degrade, will take a long time under all that plastic.  So in order to eliminate that little bit extra waste I decided I could make my own wet wipes.  This idea struck me after reading the chapter about babies in The Self-sufficientish Bible, they suggest cutting up polyester fleece to use as wipes, but seeing as I had a lot of cotton flannelette left from the neckerchief/bandanna bibs I thought this would be a better material.  Not only is cotton more natural that synthetic fleece, but I figured it might also be more absorbent.  Also small particles that end up in our waterways during laundering would not cause harm to aquatic life like a synthetic fabric would.

To begin with I tore up my flannelette into long strips which were the width of a sheet of toilet tissue.  I then cut these strips into smaller toilet tissue sized rectangles.  Initially I thought to make them wet-wipe sized, but decided that toilet paper size was sufficient, and should I decide they ought to be bigger in future I could just make more.

Next I stitched round each edge with a wide zig-zag on the sewing machine.  I don't think that this step is essential, but I thought it might make them last a bit longer as it will stop them fraying in the wash. 

Then just keep going until you have as many as you need.  I must have made about 50 initially, but may  make more depending on how many I get through in a day.

To store them I put mine into a plastic tupperware type box with a slosh of water to keep them moist.  You could also add a few drops of something like grape seed oil which is the only other ingredient in waterwipes, or soak the water in chamomile tea before putting the wipes in. 

Better for your pocket and better for baby's bottom too because they don't contain any of the nasty chemicals found in commercial wet-wipes.

Once used place them into another plastic container with a tight lid which will not only keep in any smell but will keep them moist making them easier to wash.  (much harder to get out dried on poo than the soft wet stuff) You can wash them as you would washable nappies.  I will be washing them at 30 degrees with Bio D Laundry Liquid.

The Pinkification of girls

Today I saw something very upsetting, well perhaps I am being a little over dramatic, but it did bother me.  It was this Peppa Pig back pack that you can see below.  On this occasion it's not the character that particularly upset me (though I dislike it) nor the colour (thought I am sick of the plague of pink we see in the girls section of shops these days) it is the words at the top for which "P is for".  Of all the empowering words this back pack could have displayed that begin with "P": Passionate, Powerful, Plucky, Positive... the designers chose "Perfect, polite, pretty and pink"  Could they have come up with a series of more passive, submissive, insipid words to put onto a little girl's bag?  

What about empowering girls?  Instead of labelling and encouraging girls with a word like "perfect" they could have encouraged girls to be individual, instead of "polite" what about  teaching compassion, and instead of "pretty" how much better would it be to encourage girls to be courageous or hard working or kind?  This bag is just a small example of the worrying deluge of stereotypical toys, clothes and accessories for girls.  I thought we had come on a bit since the 1950's but it seems we have taken a back step in terms of liberation of women and girls.  I know I sound over dramatic but you only need to take a little look in the dressing up section of most toy shops, the boys are entitled to creative, proactive roles such builder, police man and doctor where as the girls are relegated to caring or fantasy figures such as nurse, princess and fairy.  No there is nothing wrong with aspiring to be a nurse but when the aspirations in terms of career end there, we have to ask what is going on?  

Just take a look at this add from the 1980's and compare it with the lego promoted to girls, and this website for a girly lego http://friends.lego.com/en-gb/  today:

I for one hope that if my next baby is a girl I will be able to resist the avalanche of pink and offer a whole rainbow of colours, careers and even personality traits to my daughter. Children's brains are like sponges, they absorb everything they see and hear indiscriminately, so although it might seem like I am over-reacting here, girls are taking on an insidious message that tells them how they are expected to behave, what they are expected to look like and what their aspirations should be and I think this is so wrong.  I really hope that there is a change in the way girls are being portrayed by manufacturers so they can feel empowered instead of being pushed towards passiveness and vanity.  

I intend on contacting the designers, manufacturers etc of the above back pack to express my concerns.  

In the mean time I would like to share with you some links to websites where people speak much more eloquently that me on this topic:

http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/jakewallissimons/100210036/pink-lego-is-an-abomination-end-this-gender-fascism/

http://www.pinkstinks.org.uk/

http://www.girlswillbehq.com/blog/

http://www.lettoysbetoys.org.uk/let-toys-be-toys-toymark-scheme/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/belinda-parmar/pink-really-does-stink_b_1675472.html

I am sure there are more websites and articles out there, please let me know what they are if you have seen them, in the mean time you can join the pinkstinks campaign and like their facebook page if this sort of thing bothers you.  

Right I am off to write a strongly worded letter.