How I got through the hardest year of my life.

Cast your mind back to November 2020, we were still in the midst of a global pandemic, my husband was very stressed in his job and we were living in an overcrowded house with three lively little boys.  My husband was searching for a new job and we were trying to find a way to move to a bigger house, little did I know that our prayers for a new job, house and a desire to move west would be answered.  But God answers prayers in strange ways sometimes.  Who knew that with the gifts of a new job and house would come the hardest year of my life. The Bible says that hard times are like a refiners fire, like metal after it's been refined we come out the other side more pure, stronger, and the last year has certainly been like a fire, it remains to be seen if I have been refined by it yet!

The whirlwind began when my husband accepted a job offer in Gloucestershire and we got our house on the market.  It is a commonly known fact that moving house is one of the most stressful of life experiences and our experience was no exception.  To begin with15 years’ worth of possessions belonging to five people in a tiny two bed semi had to be packed, sold, given away and otherwise hidden to make our house presentable for sale.  We must have done a good job because we sold in the first week it was on the market, then began a fast furious house hunt.  We began making the two hour journey to the West Midlands for several weekends in a row to visit up 5 five houses at a time.  We saw a total of 16 houses, but house buying is never easy and even after finding the right place it was a bumpy and extremely rough road to completion.  We finally moved into our new home on 1st April 2021, three months after my husband started his new job.  

Everything was looking pretty rosy, we now had four bedrooms, one for us and one each for our children, a big garden and enough money to refurbish, then to all of our surprise I found out I was pregnant! After the initial shock I was pleased but then followed 3 months of appalling sickness, this was hard to manage on top of refurbishing a home and trying to continue home educating. The pregnancy was by far the hardest I have experienced, the sickness continued the entire pregnancy and I was beyond uncomfortable by the end.  

Then at the end of May we thought it would be fun to add a dog to our family.  It was not fun.  She is lovely now, but at the time getting a dog felt like the biggest mistake ever, the hair, the barking, the biting, and pooping and weeing everywhere was immensely stressful.  In June my eldest son fell down the stairs, bumped his head and got a concussion which resulted in a 999 call and another hospital visit, he was thankfully, fine, but stress levels were increased yet again.  In July my second son was very ill and was hospitalised with Asthma which was a slow recovery.  At the same time I came down with a bad chest infection which put me out of service for a large proportion of the summer.  All this happened under the umbrella of covid which as I am sure you can imagine heightened the anxiety around socialising, our health and the many hospital visits.

Still on a back foot from the chest infection our whole family then did go on to catch covid (not the watered down version, but the nasty Delta version) in September.  Both my husband and I realised quite quickly that we weren't going to be getting an easy ride. He had to go into hospital and the next day so did I.  I had to drop my children off with a new friend who I didn't know well, and they stayed with her for 5 days (along with her own 6 children!!).  The next day my husband caught sepsis from the covid infection and I spent one long night not knowing if he would still be alive the next morning.  He came out of hospital on his 40th birthday, but we were still both too ill to look after the children so they had to stay with my parents for another week. 

Thankfully we didn't die from covid and in December I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy, of course not without drama, he was born into the hands of my husband at home before the midwife or paramedics arrived.  Unfortunately there were concerns about the baby so we had to spend three days in hospital.  

After coming out of hospital I developed terrible allergies and a wheeze, I was diagnosed with asthma.  Then in March we call caught covid again. My chest was still in recovery and a few weeks later I ended up being diagnosed with a bad chest infection (but not before a hospital visit with a suspected blood clot on my lung).

At the end of March, I looked back over the past year since we moved to The Forest of Dean and couldn't really believe the year we had had, it was certainly not what I had expected.  But we had got through it, I had got through it, it hadn't broken me.  It would be understandable if I had plunged into depression.  In her book "The Wild Remedy"  Emma Mitchell talks about her experience with depression saying:

"...the shift in GABA receptor expression and activity [a possible cause of severe depression] is caused by our environment influencing the way in which our genes are expressed, which in turn influences our neuronal activity.  Which in essence means that suicidal thoughts might be caused by a series of difficult circumstances or life events.  The GABA-focused research hints at mechanisms that lead to the most severe cases of depression...)

Of course there are many causes of depression, and much more research needs to be done into why some people get depressed and others don't when placed under severe pressure from their circumstances.  The reasons why my circumstances over the last year did not cause depression in me probably go deeper than the things I am about to share, but perhaps they will give insight and encouragement for others going through a hard time.  This is not however a guide to preventing or overcoming depression and if you are feeling depressed I would urge you to seek medical advice. I have included a few phone numbers at the bottom of this post.

We will all, throughout our lives, encounter hard times and I am acutely aware that some peoples hard times are far more sever than mine, but all things are relative which is why depression is indiscriminate. My tips here will hopefully offer suggestions for ways to boost morale, ease stress and encourage positivity when we are faced with the sort of hard times that we are all likely to encounter throughout our lives, but they are not quick fixes for mental illness or extreme circumstances.    

Friends:

It would have been easy to feel lonely during all the troubles we experienced over the past year, but not only did I stay in contact with a couple of friends from our old area whom I met up with regularly and who cheered me immensely, but I also got in touch with the local communities in our new area.  Seeing other people gives us a reason to laugh, occasions to have fun and share experiences. Our neighbours, the home education community and the Christian community have all been really welcoming and friendly and even brought us food when we were ill and again after having our baby and have looked after our children when we needed it. Sometimes it can feel hard to insert yourself into an already established community, but I think more often than not people are happy to include new faces and it just takes a bit of time and effort to make new, and perhaps even lifelong friends. I think that being in need of help and support actually brings out the good in people, it gives people a reason to do a good deed (which in turn makes them feel good) and although it might feel like we are being an inconvenience and it can be hard to ask for help sometimes, people do like to help others.  A friend in need is a friend indeed as they say. Having a community around you helps so much when you are going through hard times, it’s not just the practical support friends can offer, but perhaps more importantly a listening ear, having someone who you can share your troubles with is invaluable as well as giving you a reason to laugh.  What is even more valuable that having beautiful hearted people around you to help you and listen to you is being able to offer help and a listening ear to others.  The more time you spend helping others, the less time you spend on worrying about your own troubles, and somehow your own troubles seem smaller and smaller.

Routines:

One of the things that kept me going through covid, when I could have spent every day of those five days that I was home all alone, my husband in hospital and my children staying with a friend, feeling sad, was getting up every day, dry brushing my skin and getting dressed.  I did this without fail every day.  It would have been very easy to just stay in bed every day and feel sorry for myself (and completely understandable), but I made the decision to get up and complete these simple routines and I found they kept me going.  Other little jobs like letting the dog out and feeding her, and taking my medication also helped provide consistency and predictability to my day at a time in my life when things felt very chaotic. Little jobs that needed doing each day, the regularity, the rhythm, helped me to feel calm and added an element of normalcy to each day.  Creating a rhythm of activities to keep you occupied and keep your mind busy helps immensely when going through hard times, the soothing folding of freshly washed laundry, the satisfaction of a swept floor, a regular phone call with a family member, time set aside to read or watch a TV show are all things you can do to preserve your mental health through challenges. They helped me get through the hardest time of my life and they might just help you too.

Self care:

Much can be said about the benefits of self care, we all know it’s important to keep your own cup filled so that we can pour from it to help others, but when we are going through a hard time it can feel insurmountable to do anything kind to ourselves, and yet it remains essential.  If we can create small spaces of time, little actions to care for ourselves we will be able to face challenges a little more easily.  The hard times are when we need a full cup more than ever.  Here are a few things I have done to look after myself in the last year:  Although I have often belaughed the humble bath I am realising the benefits of half an hour to soak in the tub, it’s time to yourself and healing for your body.  I know I always feel better after a bath, although I get them so rarely. Going to the doctors when there are small problems may seem frivolous but it’s really important to get small things looked at, they can prevent further problems developing and have a psychological effect of telling your body you care about it (not to mention the few minutes peace you get in the waiting room before an appointment!). After giving birth I found I really needed to wear very soft and comfortable clothes, I couldn’t bear a bra or jeans, I needed soft things against my body.  I also stopped removing body hair as inflicting pain on my body was something I couldn’t perceive at that time.  I needed to give my body time to heal and be kind and gentle with it, give it soft things and avoid causing harm. Being kind to my body in this way helped me to heal, maybe this will help you if you have had medical challenges.

Getting into nature:

Being in nature can have a wonderfully healing effect on our minds bodies and souls. I believe one of the reasons I didn’t drown over this past year was because I had regular exposure to the natural world.  This of course was made much easier by virtue of the fact we had moved to The Forest of Dean where we are surrounded by an abundance of beautiful flora and fauna.  But getting out into nature doesn’t necessarily mean you have to travel for miles to be out in the countryside.  A walk around a local park, a sit under a tree, a dig in a small patch of earth to plant a seed can all help improve our mental health and get us through difficult times.  The beauty of the natural world calms our minds, it allows for space in our spirits to reflect, in contrast to the busyness of modern life with all its distracting technology.  In hard times take a moment to meditate on the beauty of a bunch of flowers, sniff some soil or find a place to watch the clouds.  You will notice a positive effect on your mind and wellbeing.

Prayer:

Finally, as many of you know I am a Christian, so I talk frequently on God in times of trouble.  We want to desperately to be in control of everything in our earthly lives, if we feel in control we can feel some sense of power over our destiny.  But I have come to learn that so much is out of our control and attempts to control those things that are out of our power are futile and end up causing a lot of stress, worry and anxiety.  I place my troubles in the hands of God knowing he sees the intimate details of my life, hears my worries and cares about me and my experiences.  We might not always get the outcome we hope for but we can always trust that God has our best interest at heart. Of course there is always an element of fear in knowing that God’s way might not always be my way, but praying in the hard times has given me so much peace over circumstances out of my control. When you are facing troubling times in your life I would encourage you to reach out to the higher power and hand over your troubles to him.

This life on earth is fraught with vulnerabilities, dangers and challenges that we will all need to face and have to overcome at times, I hope that all of the above will give you a little store of ideas to relieve some of life’s stresses and make hard times more manageable.  We cannot avoid hard times but we can find ways to get through them with a little more peace a little less harm and with a bit of luck we will come out the other side wiser and stronger to face the next challenge to come.

Samaritans: 116123,

National suicide prevention helpline UK: 0800 689 5652,

SANEline: 0300 304 7000,

MIND: 0300 123 3393

20 Creative Journaling Prompts for Mums

At the Gentle  Parenting Retreat I ran in February, the lovely mums who attended created beautiful journals to use as parenting or mothering journals. I promised them I would come up with a list of different ways to use their journals to help them reflect on their parenting, to be creative, to provide self-care and find themselves. Well I have finally got round to creating said blog post. I hope these ideas will be helpful not only to the mums who came to my retreat, but anyone else who feels drawn to journaling.

For each activity suggestion I have tried to include reasons why it is useful for mums, and examples of  ways you can make each exercise work for you, as well as tips on creativity and putting the idea into practice.

Where possible I have linked to the original source of the images, just click on the image or the link to take you to the original source.

1. Zentangles, https://www.zentangle.com/
Mothering can be stressful at times and we all need to take moments to relax and unwind. Zentangles are essentially doodles you create from you imagination and can aid with mindfulness, meditation and relaxation.   As you create your zentangle you can focus on the repeat pattern you are creating, the feel of the pen on the paper and the motion of your hand.
It can be daunting to begin your Zentangle, to make it easier try creating a random pattern by creating an overlapping scribble then filling in each section with a different pattern.  Alternatively you can draw round a object, overlapping the shapes then filling them in.
Your Zentangle can be as simple or complex as you like, you might find it inspiring to look on Pinterest or Google for pattern ideas. You might also like to add colours to your Zentangle to make them even more visually appealing.

         

      

2. Identity Star

As mums we often feel a sense of losing something of ourselves.  We put so much into our children we can forget who we are outside of our motherhood journey. By creating an identity star we can take time to focus on our strengths, interests and personality.
Look through magazines and newspapers and choose words which you feel reflect you, anything good about you, this could be things you like about your body or personality, things that you enjoy doing, things you think you're good at, favorite things or hobbies and talents.  You could also print them out or use letter stamps to write the words out.
To make the exercise a little more creative and visually appealing you could create an artful background before sticking your words down.  Take a look at some ideas from number 4 and number 15.

                          

3. Writing is a great way to use your journal. It's great to take some time to write, it can be cathartic, as well as giving you opportunities for self discovery. It can be daunting to begin if you aren't used to journaling, so here are a few links to lists of journal prompts to get you started.

Journaling prompts for self discovery: http://inspacesbetween.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/60JournalPrompts.pdf

Journal questions for memory keeping: http://hayleyfromhome.co.uk/lifestyle/journal-questions-bullet-journal/

More prompts for self discovery: https://www.lavendaire.com/journaling-ideas/

Journal prompts to help you know and accept yourself:   https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2016/09/20-journaling-prompts-to-help-you-know-and-accept-yourself/

Journal prompts for self love: http://www.thetruthpractice.com/single-post/2017/03/26/20-Journal-Questions-for-Self-Love

Journal prompts for when life gets overwhelming: http://reflectionsfromaredhead.com/when-life-gets-overwhelming/

If you feel so inclined you might like to illustrate your written pages or create visually appealing backgrounds.

      

4. Visual journaling prompts:
 Being creative is good for your health, it helps relieve stress, it increases and renews brain function and it can improve your mood, these are all really important for mums who can feel stressed and overwhelmed at times. You might like to develop your creative skills by creating a some very visual journal pages, here are some ideas for the process of creating a visually appealing page in your journal:

5. 100 things that make you happy:
Like focusing on gratitude, focusing on things that make you happy can help you to appreciate all the good things in your life.  It can be difficult to think about all  the things that are good when we become overwhelmed with the basic day to day necessities of everyday life.  This idea can bring you back to your centre.  You can make this age really visually appealing by using some of the ideas for creative background in numbers 4 and 15.

6. Past and Future Hands, art therapy exercise:   http://emerlyearts.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/art-therapy-group-my-past-future.html

http://www.michellemorganart.com/hands-past-and-future-art-therapy-activity/

Motherhood is a time of transformation, this exercise can help you make sense of your past (pre child) verses present (mother) self.  Motherhood redefines who we are and what we hope for our future. Begin by drawing round your hands, then fill each one with words and images that reflect your past and present/future self.   You could use colouring pencil, felt tips or watercolour paints. 

7. Altered book art/ found poetry:

This is a really fun and creative journaling idea.  It can be helpful for expressing yourself, being creative and as relaxation.  Begin with a page from an old book that you don't mind destroying. Go through the text and select and highlight words or phrases (by masking out words surrounding them) which speak to you.  You might like to pick words and phrases at random and see what poem you come up with, or you may decide to be more mindful about it and choose words and phrases that work as a whole and speak to you particularly to form a poem (it doesn't have to rhyme). 

You could use ink, paint, felt tips or colouring pencils.  You could also collage around your words or even do illustrations. 

                             

      

                       

8. Gratitude mandala

Gratitude is really good for you, it improves physical and psychological  health, reduces aggression and increases empathy, helps you sleep better, improves self-esteem, and increases mental strength.  (https://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2014/11/23/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-of-gratitude-that-will-motivate-you-to-give-thanks-year-round/#5393596b183c)

Creating a gratitude mandala not only gives you the benefits of gratitude,but also the benefits of creativity and mindfulness. In Buddhism and Hinduism a mandala is a circular figure representing the universe. In Jungian psychology a mandala as a symbol in a dream, representing the dreamer's search for completeness and self-unity.  You might like to meditate on these ideas and what they mean to you as you create your gratitude mandala. 

You could use pen to create your mandala or felt tip, and create it as a spiral or a sun shape. 

9. Wax resist: http://arttherapyspot.com/2014/05/

The process of using a white wax crayon, then painting over it with watercolours is both creative and expressive but also can be very meaningful.  You might like to simply create images and patterns which you paint over to reveal for the simple joy and pleasure for it.  Alternatively  you can use it to create a meaningful narrative.  For example try writing with the wax crayon, expressing things about yourself that have been buried or hidden by the overwhelm of motherhood, the process of painting over the wax with beautiful, vibrant colours reveals and brings those qualities back to life.   

10. Visualisation collages:

Vision boards are really great tools for goal setting and helping us to focus on what we want in life. As mums we often forget that setting our own personal goals is important for maintaining a sense of self and for self care. You can create mini vision boards on any theme in your journal.  Maybe it would be a vision board for the year ahead, or what about a vision board for your birthday or a holiday, or how you would like your relationship to be or your home ed life etc.  Whatever it is a vision board can help you to clarify your ideas and help you to focus daily on what you want to achieve.

You could collect images from magazines, or print images online, you might like to ad words or your own illustrations to your vision board.  You might decide to do your vision board on  a separate piece of paper then stick it into your journal, or do it directly into the journal itself. 

     

11. Journal your affirmations:

I talk a lot about why positive affirmations are useful in my (super cheap) e-workshop.  Why not create a very visually appealing art piece around your chosen word or phrase.  You could use paint or collage on or around your word or phrase, add paint, print into it, add texture, the possibilities are endless, try using some of the ideas in number 4 to help you. 

        

  

12. Identity finger prints:

Like with the Identity Star, the identity fingerprint brings you back to your centre, reminding you of who you are, what your purpose is.  It uplifts you as it reminds you of all your skills and talents and positives about yourself, as well us helping you remember that there is more to you than the mothering aspect, you have many layers and they're all important. 

Take a look at your fingerprints, study them for a while, marvelling in their uniqueness.  then begin writing in a swirling pattern that mirrors the pattern on your own hand. 

You could use different colours, or keep it monochrome, you might even like to create a background for this piece like the ideas in number 15.

13. Self portrait collage,

Self portraits are a really great way to begin thinking about the question "who am I".  By studying your face in a mirror and thinking about your own self you begin to re-discover a sense of self, an awareness of your place in the world.  Creating a drawn self portrait can feel daunting, especially if you haven't used your drawing skills for a long time.  You needn't feel you can't do this exercise though as you can use photographs and collage to create your portrait.  Take a look at the images below for inspiration.  You can include writing and small images to add more meaning to your piece. 

    

14. Word of the year collage/art:

http://creativityintherapy.com/2016/01/one-word-collage-an-art-directive-for-resolutions/

Like with positive affirmations and vision boards you can use you world of the year as inspiration for a journaling page.  Check out my super cheap e-workshop for why affirmations are important and how to use them HERE

A word of the year helps you set a tone for the year ahead, using visual aids via collage or drawing helps you focus on your intention and keep it in the front of your mind. This is especially important for mums who so often put their own goals and targets on the back burner while they focus on their children.  As honorable as this seems it can actually have a negative effect on your family because if you don't take time to focus on your own needs it is difficult to meet the emotional needs of our little ones. 

      

15. Creative backgrounds:

Whatever you use your journal for you can always make a page more visually appealing.  Making it look attractive to you is great because it means you will want to look at it again and again. 

You could try:

Collaging with newspaper, 

Splattering paint with an old tooth brush,

Water colour wash,

Dribbling paint down the page,

Rolling paint on with an ink roller,

Printing with bubble wrap,

Spray painting over different objects i.e. chicken wire, masking tape,

Potato printing a repeat pattern,

Glue down bunched tissue paper,

Collage with vintage maps or music sheet,

Applying paint with a sponge,

Applying acrylic paint with a scraper or pallet knife,

Collage textured wallpaper,

And of course you can combine these techniques and elemntsfor example spreading acrylic paint with a pallet knife over textured wallpaper, or applying potato prints over a watercolour wash.

                       

              

                                      

16. Observational drawing of a natural object:

Creating an observational drawing is a brilliant way to engage the brain in a creative activity without having to worry too much about having ideas, it also has all the health benefits mentioned above. Spending time doing an observational drawing can also be an opportunity for mindfulness and meditation. By trying to apply your focus on the motions of your hand, focusing all your attention the detail of the object in hand and looking carefully at all the shadow and tone can can experience a sense of relaxation and can appreciate being in the moment. 

Choose an object that appeals to you, this could be anything from a shell to a flower, choose something that has a degree of detail so you have something to get your teeth into. Try not to judge yourself on your drawing abilities, this drawing is just for you and no one else, you don't have to show it to anyone. 

      

17. Using photos:

You might like to use photographs in your journal.  You can use photos that have captured a special moment, photos of your family or yourself or just photos that you feel are beautiful.  This is a great way of documenting life, which seems to pass so quickly when you have young children.  We often don't get a chance to print off our photos and put them into albums, so this is a great way to use photos in a creative and visually appealing way.  You could try collaging with them, or even look into using ephemera such as tickets and leaflets as well.  You could look at getting some scrap booking bits to add more interest to your collage. 

18. Self portrait weaving:  

I thought this was a really lovely idea you could include in your journal and a great way to use textile.  As we have already discussed there are great benefits in creating self portraits as a way of considered the self.

To create this self portrait you need to make yourself a weaving card. HERE  are some simple instructions on how to do this.  You then need to print out a photo of yourself and cut it into horizontal strips. As well as strips of decorative paper and yarn, you could use other ephemera such as old book pages, maps, tickets, receipts, leaflets, birthday cards, etc.  Simple weave your gathered items in and out of the wool on your weaving card.  When it's finished, remove it from the card and secure it into your journal.

The process of weaving mirrors the way we weave our lives, we make them what they are, and as we are creating our lives we are weaving stories and experiences throughout it to create a rich tapestry of feelings and experiences.

19.   Drawing with your eyes closed:

Drawing with your eyes closed is a great way to remove yourself from the self judgement you may experience with observational drawing, and takes away any feeling of being "good" at drawing. It is a also a wonderfully meditative way to draw.  By eliminating one of the senses you are able to focus more intently on your remaining senses of touch and hearing; feeling the sensation of the paper or pen on the page and the sound as it moves invisibly across the surface of the paper. This can be a chance to relax  from the frenzy of life as a mother and give you a chance for self care. 

The results of your blind drawing can be really fascinating and freeing.  After you have finished the drawing you might like to embellish it with colour to make a more intentional piece. You could have an object in front of you which you may look at before you begin drawing.  Or draw from your imagination. 

        

20. Continuous line drawing.

On first appearance these seem very similar to the blind drawings. Thought the process of quite different. With a continuous line drawing you keep your pen or pencil to the paper throughout the entire process of drawing what you can see.  This can help free you from self imposed constraints that you may normally experience when doing an observation drawing such as being tentative or hesitant with your mark making or sketching around the object try and achieve a likeness.  It also removes the need for shade and tone. The process can have really fascinating results which again you can embellish with colour if you wish.

     

Well there you have it, 20 ways you can use your parenting journal.  I hope you will show me the results of your experiences and I can share them on this blog.