Whole persons

 I have been familiar with, and a proponent of the Charlotte Mason method of home education for many years but it has only been recently that I have fully understood her "born persons" theory.

Charlotte Mason believed that children were born as whole persons, already imbued with a body, soul, spirit, mind, will and emotions. She believed that the purpose of education was to draw out the best of what was already there, to help children to reach the potential that was already present within them.  

She says:

"If we have not proved that a child is a born person with a mind as complete and as beautiful as his beautiful body, we can at least show that is, that his mind is the instrument of his education and that his education does not produce his mind." (my emphasis.)

Charlotte believed that a child was already a whole person and by feeding and nourishing him or her as a whole person they would develop naturally and reveal that whole person. 

When Charlotte Mason wrote this, children were educated in quite a different way.  Educational philosophy dictated that each part of a child was separate and must be developed and focused on by a teacher in a particular order in order for a child to become a complete person.  

It was thought in Charlotte Mason's time that some children were not capable of elevated thinking and their minds were only fit for manual labor, it was not considered worth educating them on the arts or history etc, but Charlotte believed that all children could find value and beauty in Art, Poetry and Literature to one degree or another if only they were exposed to the wonder of it and given the opportunity in the right environment and with the right approach. 

This might sound very sensible to our modern ears, though it was quite revolutionary in the late 1800s to early 1900s.  However we still have far to go in order to really understand children as Charlotte Mason did, and to put her philosophy into practice. 

I saw a clip from the news recently showing a young man receiving his GCSE results, he had done very well, achieving top grades.  I looked to the comments section below and read a comment implying that if only all children worked as hard as this child, then everyone could achieve as he had. 

   

I feel like I am a testament to the inaccuracy of this statement, having worked so hard and with excellent teaching I still only achieved a grade C in maths.  I am extremely proud of that grade C, it was what I needed to get where I wanted to go and I worked so so hard for it.  I do not believe there is any way that I could have done better, I could not have worked harder, my own mental capacity in this subject area was what limited me.  I flourished in other subjects and that's ok, we cannot all be experts in everything.  

However I think the world forgets this, we live in a time where we are told, and we tell our young people that they "can do anything you set your mind to" (Benjamin Franklin) if they work hard enough. This is not true and it is incongruent with Charlotte Mason's philosophy (Sorry Ben!) Charlotte acknowledges that each child has different capacities, limits, strengths.  She says "Genius comes by nature" that is to say that some children have genius and some do not and no amount of education can create it.  And that's ok!  The point being that a child is not born as a blank sheet of paper just waiting to become either a genius (with the correct attitude, mindset and willpower) or a delinquent (with the wrong attitude, mindset and lack of willpower), their born nature plays an important part as well.

  

It is easy to dismiss children who are struggling in a subject or skill as simply not trying hard enough, not working hard enough or not applying their mind enough to the task, and this is where the notion that "you can do anything you set your mind to" is problematic.  The reality might simply be that their born nature has strengths that would excel elsewhere given then right environment, habits and approach. 

I couldn't have put my mind to it any harder that I did back when I did my maths GCSE, my limit was a C. It wasn't any lacking in my upbringing that meant maths wasn't my strength, it was my born nature. 

The other problem I see with people not seeing children as whole persons is that, because they see a child as a blank sheet of paper waiting the have a mark made upon it, they expect children to be exact replicas of themselves or their parents, (for good or for ill) parents want their children to behave and act in the way that they would, or at least in he way they want, and likewise have low expectations for children of parents who have struggled in life. 

This is problematic for children who do not act how their parents would want. For example if we place a group of boys, or otherwise energetic and spirited children in a confined space and expect them to sit quietly listening for an hour, it would be unreasonable of us to get cross when they found this difficult, although a group of girls or quieter children may be able to do this without difficulty because their nature is to be able to do so. This is not the fault of the boys or their parents teaching and training, it is the fault of the parents or educators having unreasonable expectations. 

 

 

I again speak from personal experience as a person who was a very biddable child who could sit listening for fairly long periods of time without difficulty, but I observe my sons and see that this is not something they would be able to achieve, not because their character is lacking, because they haven't been taught or disciplined in the right way by me, but simply because it is not in their nature, they are their own people, with their own strengths and weaknesses, it's like Einstein says: 

"But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." 

I haven't included the first part of this quote which is "Everybody is a genius" because, as previously discussed, I do not agree (sorry Albert!)

Likewise for the child of parents who have struggled in life, (who perhaps haven't had the right opportunity to flourish and find their strengths), their nature isn't necessarily going to replicate that of their parents (although I do acknowledge that nurture plays a part in how a child develops of course) given the right environment, habit training and approach these children can thrive and flourish and find their own strengths just as well as those whose parents have been successful, but if we dismiss children as failures before getting to know their nature and finding out how they can thrive we do them a great disservice. 

Each child has their own unique and individual personalities that they're born with and grow into with our help, none is a mini me, a blank sheet ready for us to impress our own personalities, and people who think this will be in for a shock when they discover that their children have their own minds, their own natures, their own strengths (and weaknesses) and personalities. 

The first example above is posed as a fault of the child; they did not work hard enough, or put their mind to it enough, the second example is posed as the fault of the parent for not training or disciplining their child correctly.  Neither is true, and once we start to see children as born persons we can begin to understand them and nurture their personalities and nature more appropriately, set more reasonable expectations, and allow our children to thrive and flourish in areas where their can. 

 

This is meant to be one of the beautiful things about home education, but it is so easy to get ourselves caught up in trying to squeeze our children into the shapes we want them to be rather than allowing, encouraging, nurturing them to grow into the shapes they were meant to be. I know I have been guilty of this and I am taking stock, remembering that each of my children has their own unique personalities, their own learning preferences, their own capacities and their own passions. 

I look forward to discovering who each of my children grow to become, watching them find their strengths, and seeing them thrive when I allow for their own unique qualities to shine forth. 

Social Media Fast - my 40 days offline

 It's Lent!

This is a special time of year for some Christians as we prepare to celebrate Jesus' death and resurrection on Good Friday followed by Easter. 

This time of preparation was traditionally used as a time of fasting, remembering Jesus' 40 days and nights in the desert where he fasted from food and drink and was tested by the devil. 

Since the 300's AD people fasted during lent, and later people would fast from foods like eggs, milk and butter, which is why we make pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, to use up these items. 

This Lent I am fasting from sugar and social media, and I want to tell you that so far, just under two weeks in, it has been wonderful.  Some might say I am a bit of a cheat thought because I do indulge in these two vices on Sundays.  Lent is, after all 40 days and nights EXCLUDING Sundays, because on Sundays we celebrate the risen Christ.  I have been using two really good devotionals to help me remain focused and committed to the fast, the first is called Celtic Lent, 40 days of devotions to Easter by David Cole, and the second is called The 40-day Social Media Fast by Wendy Speake. 

I don't want to lecture you about the benefits of giving up sugar, the benefits are pretty well documented (Wendy Speake has also written a 40-day devotional for quitting sugar), what I will tell you thought is that my once a week indulgence of sugar on Sundays is revealing to me how unpleasant an effect sugar actually has on my body.  I can't deny the biscuits, syrup soaked pancakes, Turkish delight and cake have tasted delicious, but I could really do without the sluggish, jittery, dizzy, headachy spell I get afterwards. So far my Sundays have been especially unproductive (aside from writing this blog post of course which is fuelled by an especially delicious pistachio flavoured Turkish delight!) Housework and planning have gone out the window as I have stumbled round the house, face buried in my phone, wondering where I put my cup of tea and trying to pull myself together enough to do something productive. 

Needless to say I hope to persist with abstaining from sugar after Lent is over and continue to benefit from the reduction in sugar spikes, the clearer head and the genuine energy to do things around the house that fasting from sugar has generated. 

What I really want to talk about is my break from social media, not so much what I have gained from not going on, which has been a great deal including more time for reading and looking my children in the face, but more especially what I am NOT missing out on. 

Before Lent I am ashamed to say that I was likely addicted to social media, it was an excellent distraction and diversion from the stresses of home educating four wild boys, staring at Facebook videos, one after the other in an endless reel was a hypnotising, dopamine stimulating, but cortisol inducing way of escaping from life.  I was like a chain smoker who couldn't resist picking up the next cigarette and lighting up, before I knew it I spent an hour lying in bed watching reel after reel, resulting in an even later night (and tired-er morning) as I lay awake for a further hour, overstimulated and unable to sleep. 

Thankfully, unlike withdrawing from drugs alcohol or cigarettes I have suffered from almost no withdrawal effects. For a few days I was compulsively checking my phone for updates and notifications, I still check my phone for messages but its much less often habitually, and I often go several hours without realising I haven't checked my phone. Now, only 12 days later I am not checking nearly as often. 

What I had come to realise before I made my break from social media is that it is almost wholly toxic and bad for us. 

There are of course some benefits, such as finding out about home education and church events, and being able to ask people for help of different subjects, connecting with other people.  This is of course what sold us all on social media to begin with, connection, but for me, that became a much less used resource than the video reels. So, I'm not saying that social media is all bad, but it had become very unhealthy for me. 

I wasn't just watching reels on Facebook, I was also watching reels on Instagram and twitter and spending significant amounts of time reading posts and comments on Twitter.  Thankfully I have never engaged with Tiktok so have not had to deal with that monster. 

I'd say that Instagram was the least toxic of these, the algorithms generally showed me aspirational posts, home education, homesteading and home making ideas.  With these sorts of posts there is always the risk of comparison, the "grass is always greener on the other side" feeling, but generally speaking there wasn't too much horrific content.  I do sometimes fall victim to felling not-as-good-as the women who seem to have perfect lives, but I have enough sense to know that oftentimes we aren't seeing the full picture.

Facebook also has generally inoffensive algorithms, they were much less relevant to me, funny kitten videos, people falling from things, hyper speed cleaning videos, that sort of thing.

By a long shot Twitter was the most toxic.  There were two main types of post that I was being show, first, posts which would provoke me to anger, such as those with an anti-Christian, anti-woman, anti-child message, and second, posts which would shock, upset or disgust.  The algorithms were wild, showing me things I had never searched for, not would ever want to.  I have seen an awful lot of things on twitter that I wish I had never seen, to give you a flavour, I have seen people who were almost certainly being killed, dead babies, women with severe anorexia, images of self-harm, broken limbs and actual p8rn. What is most worrying is that essentially a child could see these things.  As I said, I never searched for any of this content, it was what Twitter decided to show me.

A friend told me recently that this difference between Instagram and Twitter is more common knowledge than I had thought, apparently a post search for "France" or "French" on Instagram would show pleasant photos of baguettes in bike baskets, the pretty Parisian women in front of the Eiffel tower, beautiful French landscapes, delicious food and of course manicures (at least Instagram knows I am a woman!) whereas an equivalent search on twitter would show posts and photos of angry protests, rioting and posts with a generally negative tone.  I did this search myself and found it to be generally true the only thing they had in common was football (obviously the algorithms don't know me THAT well!) The comments section on Twitter is by far the worst place and where I saw the most disgusting, debased content. 

I haven't been able to manage this very well as an adult, I have found myself feeling deeply disturbed, upset, angry, agitated and repulsed by some of the things I have seen, and I'd like to remind you that I have never searched for any of this content.  I am certain that if I had the wherewithal I might have been able to change settings so that I saw less disturbing content, but my point is, children might be seeing this. Children. 

It is hard enough as an adult with a fully developed brain, to extract myself from the endless scrolling.  The videos and images are so stimulating and provoke such an addictive response in the brain that it can be very hard to put down your phone and step away from it. They are designed to be like this, to keep us coming back. If social media becomes an addiction, UK Addiction Treatment Centres says that:

"An addict [social media] will rely on their device compulsively to satisfy a particular need, dependant on social media to feel balanced and functional.  This is because social media use activates those same reward pathways that are triggered when using an addictive substance, such as drugs or alcohol.

When we spend time on social media platforms, our brain releases small bursts of dopamine, as if to reward us for such a pleasurable activity. Experiencing this neurological response can push us to take part in that behaviour again, using social media to seek instant and constant gratification wherever we are."

If social media is so potentially addictive for an adult imagine how much more so it might be for a child. 

What is more the content itself is potentially harmful.  For example seeing pro-anorexia content has been shown to trigger anorexia in those at risk of or recovering from anorexia. There is also evidence that viewing self-harm increases self-harm, and that watching footage of violence can increase aggression even in children. 

Because of the unfiltered nature of social media, which, unlike television has very little in the way of editing and regulation, the risk of seeing harmful imagery is high unless restrictions are in place. 

You can see therefore that I am really not missing anything positive from being absent from social media, and I am benefitting from missing a great deal of nasty and unpleasant stuff.  One weird thing I have noticed since going media-free has been that I have been so so tired!  I have concluded that prior to lent my brain was essentially running purely on sugar and dopamine hits and hyper stimulation from social media.  The screen would keep me up late at night with its over-stimulating and troubling viewing, and in the morning, I'd be so tired, I'd need a boost of social media, with it's dopamine hits to switch my brain back on.  However because now I am feeling my tiredness, I am going to bed earlier and getting more sleep. 

It's worth mentioning that social media use has been shown to also increase the stress hormone cortisol, according to behavioural health experts:

"Too much time on social media increases stress levels, and levels of the stress hormone cortisol and adrenaline.  The more you engage in doomscrolling, the more cortisol and adrenaline are released in your brain and body.  This leads to more stress and both mental and physical exhaustion."

It has been a great relief for me to extract myself from all this harmful content, as well as the constant diet of dopamine and cortisol in unhealthy and inappropriately timed amounts.  It has freed me to dig into lots of books, has opened my spirit to more prayer and bible study, turned my face and heart towards my children, turn my body towards housework and even start tackling the growing to-do list.  

I'd like to conclude this post by saying that I'll never become addicted to social media again, that I'm going to use my self-control to only use it appropriately, but I am worried that I won't be able to resist the temptation to scroll once Lent is over.  I really don't want to get into those bad habits.  This post will have to be a "to be continued" type of post and we will have to wait and see, though probably I'll be too ashamed to mention it if I do get sucked back in. Please do message me if you have any tricks or tips of staying free from social media.

Have you given up anything for Lent? Have you given up social media or sugar? How are you finding it? Let me know. 

Word of the year 2024

 Hi friends,

A belated Happy New Year to you all.  

I love the new start that the new year brings.  I know some people feel that winter is the worst time to begin a new habit, or break an old one, but for me it is the perfect time.  We are passed the shortest day, the evenings are beginning to get lighter, I have seen blossom in a hedgerow and a lamb in a field, it feels like spring is just around the corner, even on the bitterest of frosty days. Hope is in the air.

For many years now I have chosen a "word of the year" to inspire and motivate me, to give me a focus and to help me be more intentional in my goals, choices and with my time.  You may recall last years word was "Joyful"; and if you have been following my blog you might have read my monthly posts where I shared a monthly focus.  These monthly focuses really helped me make progress throughout the year and keep my "word of the year" in the forefront of my mind.  This year I have a new word and a new approach and I hope that me sharing about it here with you might encourage you to choose a "word of the year" for yourself, it's not too late!  It also might encourage you to head over to my Patreon where I recently shared a guide to choosing a "word of the year" for yourself as well as some artwork that you can print and display your "word of the year" on.  

So I am sure you're wondering what my word of the year is this year.  I had been thinking for a while before new years about this word and how it was something I really needed in my life.  It comes off the back of a joyful, but extremely busy and at times stressful year, as well as a year of being sucked more and more into social media based distractions.  I was especially inspired by a post I saw on Instagram by Ancestrally Rooted Mother encouraging us to rest.  

My instant reaction was to think "well how can I possibly do that when I am so busy all the time?"  and Emily very generously responded with this answer: 

Oh, this is a great question! And for me, the answer has been pretty multifaceted and somewhat hard to swallow. First, "the answer" will depend on what is going on in your life. I've had to get honest with myself about what I'm doing to be so busy and why I'm doing it. Sometimes we have things we are doing because we need to and sometimes those things make us busier than we want. But, I've gotten pretty ruthless about the extras. I have a garden and chickens -that's it. Also, I've been leaning more into the community I have available to me - the paid and unpaid. I'm making sacrifices in the things I want to do to make room for building community. We try to do too much alone. And I try to make the activities more restful. Rest doesn't have to equal idle. For me, that has meant getting off my smartphone. I only listen to podcasts occasionally vs all the time. As hard as it is, doing dishes and just doing dishes feels more restful than doing dishes while trying to shove more information in my brain. Lastly, sometimes all I can do is rest in knowledge of what should be. Some years I've had to work more and I've had to just be ok with that. I find the knowledge that I should be resting more restful. And helps me be gentler with myself when I can't keep up or just power through. 

Because of this response I chose REST as my "word of the year".  The mindset communicated by Emily in her reply helped me to form an attitude towards how REST can inform my year and has helped me think about how I can make it work in practical terms. 

I also have to give a shout out to my sister, who, when I told her I was going to be doing a "word of the year" workshop with my good friend Vicki to help me choose my word told me in no uncertain terms that it should be REST! 

For a home educating mother of four children who continues to pile more and more upon her plate you might be thinking that REST was a foolish word to choose for 2024, I am quite obviously a busy person, so what REST looks like for me might not be what REST looks like for other people.  

It might not, for example mean lots of sitting down.  It might not mean spending a lot of time alone or on self-care, and it certainly won't mean lots of long hot bubble baths!

Here is what REST has meant for me so far in 2024:

• Allowing my mind to rest when I breastfeed the baby by reading the Bible or a book  rather than scrolling social media,

• Being present and allowing my mind to rest and wander when cooking or going to the toilet rather than filling my mind with noise from podcasts and YouTube videos,

• Beginning my day in a restful way by preparing for the day and enjoying a book during breakfast rather than scrolling on social media the minute I wake up,

• Ending my day in a restful way at a decent hour and with a book rather than social media,

• Recognising that it is ok to just sit down and rest, I do not have to justify resting my body by trying to do something else whilst I sit down, or feeling like I only deserve a rest once I have completed a million and one tasks,

• Allowing my body to rest by stopping eating at 8pm so my body can have time to heal and repair by resting from digestion at night,

• Creating a restful, less stressful life by planning and organising my time and creating a meal plan so I am not having to live reactively all the time, which is stressful,

• Recognising that I don't have to do all-the-things and a rich and joyful life doesn't necessarily come from filling our time with activities,
• And most importantly, resting in the Lord by passing my burdens onto Him through prayer and remembering that I don't need to worry or stress about my life because he has it in hand. 

Resting in the Lord it the most important aspect of REST this year and I am remembering these Bible verses to encourage me on my journey of restfulness this year: 

Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.  (Psalm 62:1-2)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.(Matthew 11:28-30)

I'm also informing my year by remembering that God thought rest was important by giving us a whole day on which to rest: "By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.  Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done." (Genesis 2:2-3) And in Exodus 20:8-10 the Bible tells us: "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it Holy, Six days you shall labour and do all your work.  But the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work." Also that His son Jesus sought rest.  If Jesus needed rest them how much more surely must we?

I really hope that by the end of this year I can look back and feel less stressed and worn out, that by practicing leaning into the Lord and searching out Him for spiritual rest, I will find myself refreshed, renewed and energised and that I have an attitude of restfulness rather than busyness. 

Friends, please tell me what your word of the year is for 2024, I'd love to hear. 

Joyful Food - Crafting a diet that's both healthy and joyful

This year my word-of-the-year is "Joyful". Each month I have chosen a joyful focus to inspire me, motivate me, to keep me on track. August's focus has been on food and what we eat.  This focus didn't start abruptly at the beginning of August, it has been a more gradual process over the past few months but August has given me the opportunity to have a moment to think about how it's going, to re-access what is and isn't working.

Over the past few years, young children, and time pressures have meant that I have been turning more and more towards processed and oven ready foods. There has been a lot of media coverage on how harmful ultra processed foods (UPFs) are and it prompted me to re-access our diet and what I have been putting into my, and my children's bodies. What is more, it is clear to me that UPF's are not joyful. Whilst they might taste ok, and fill a hole the burden of additives, preservatives and fake ingredients doesn't kindle joy in my heart in the way a home made slice of cake, a freshly tossed salad with dressing, or a newly baked loaf of bread might.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't believe that our diet has been drastically bad over the years, we haven't been eating all ready meals, fizzy drinks and take-away.  We are all pretty healthy, but there is definitely room for improvement (my husband and I are definitely fatter than is strictly necessary!)

One area I've felt especially guilty about is that of organic food.  I haven't been making much effort to source organic food.  As a child my own mother went to great lengths to buy organic food for us in a time when it was much more difficult to come by and wasn't readily available in the supermarket. I remember spending hours wandering around farm shops in the middle of no-where waiting for my mum to buy her fruits and vegetables, she even set up her own food co-operative from our home, bulk buying organic whole foods like oats, raisins and beans which she split up with a few friends.  She felt like organic food was really important for us and I don't want to undo all her good work on my health throughout my childhood by buying chemical laden food from the supermarket now. 

Considering diet can be a very confusing these days, there are so many different approaches to what we eat, so many people saying their diet plan is the best, most natural, most nutritious, or most healthy one out there and there are often many conflicting studies and contradictory research which supposedly back up the benefits of each one. This makes finding the truth extremely difficult and has led me to rely more on my own instinct and intuition about diet and nutrition than relying on the advice of all the so-called experts and proponents of different diets that are out there. 

For me this has meant organic whole foods, food as nature intended.  

Eating whole foods naturally means cutting out UPF's because a processed food is not a whole food. Whole foods are foods that have not been processed, although I have been processing some of the foods myself at home to make them more enjoyable, making my own bread for example. Home made food feels joyful, not just the simplicity of the ingredients but the heart that has gone into it.

Over the months I have been gradually trying to cut out as much processed food as possible, by making more things myself at home and sourcing organic versions of the things I normally buy. This has had a mixed response from my family!

I have had some successes, making my own bread for example, (I have made my own bread on and off for years, but I really committed to it this time), we are really enjoying a weekly organic veg box, and I have had some failures, (no one liked the home made granola I made) but there have been some downsides too.

For me as a home educating mum, (meaning that I don't get paid for my work and I am very occupied), trying to eat organic wholefoods has been very expensive and time consuming. I have found myself waking up to children clamouring they are starving because I have neglected to make more granola or bread and there is nothing for breakfast, or we have decided to have egg mayonnaise sandwiches for lunch but I haven't made the mayonnaise, or I've simply just not known what to cook.  The whole thing quickly because an overwhelming burden. And that is not joyful.

This whole journey with food has forced me to admit that I can't actually have it all, I can't actually do it all! If my children were in school I would have more time to make all the food myself, if I worked I'd have more money to spend on organic food, but I don't, so, as my online name, Imperfectly Natural Mama reminds me, I'm imperfect, and I can't actually be perfect this side of heaven, I have to live in this middle ground, this half way, working towards perfection but never quite making it and having to accept that. 

I am learning to compromise.  There will still be home made bread but we might not be spreading it with home made organic jam.  I think this is where I can find the joy in my food, eating as much whole, organic foods as possible but not wearing myself to the bone trying to get to it, and perhaps more importantly, letting go of the guilt of not being able to do it all. 

Joyful Marriage - Nurturing marriage in a culture that doesn't

 So August is upon us and wet July a distant memory.  July was such a challenging month for us and for me personally I have and continue to be really struggling with life right now, home educating four children of different ages, trying to keep on top of a house that is overflowing with things and people who mess it up, helping my husband through grief, financial challenges, the whole shebang. There hasn't been much room for Joy. 

You may remember that every year I choose a word for the year. This year's word is Joyful and each month has had it's joyful focus.  Having Joyful as my word of the year has really helped me to be intentional with my thoughts and attention, giving space for me to reflect on how I feel and what positive changes I can make to my life. 

July's joyful focus was marriage, and I will tell you now that I haven't done anything for this goal.  July was too stressful and too hard and too overwhelming to give any thought or attention to my marriage other than the bare minimum.  Right now we are in survival mode.  But now the month is over and I am able to reflect on the notion of joyful marriage I have lots of thoughts and reflections to share with you.  

My husband and I on our wedding day 14 years ago

Before you get married there is usually quite a lot of support and encouragement, the church supports you with a marriage preparation course, your friends get together to send you off with a hen/stag do, family often supports you financially for the wedding and help with planning and creating your big day. On your wedding day your family and friends all gather round to celebrate your love for each other, they spend money on new clothes, travel and drinks, they give gifts or money and cards to encourage you.  You go on a glorious honeymoon where you get to spend quality time together before getting into the practicalities of married life, the message is clear, marriage is great, we love marriage, woo hoo! Go marriage! You return from your honeymoon, the dust settles, friends and family return to their normal lives, the church goes back to being place for Sundays and you realise...your on your own.  

Reflecting on marriage this month has made me realise there is no culture in our society for supporting marriage after the wedding day. 

My husband and I have been married for 14 years this years, and the only people who really support,  encourage or care about our marriage is us.  We are on our own.

I don't mean to sound unkind to our parents here, they send us anniversary cards and help us in the usual ways you'd expect parents who don't live very close to help, looking after children from time to time and giving financial support when it's been needed, and I am forever grateful for that.  But they, like everyone else who supported us before and at our wedding don't actually do anything to specifically help and support our marriage, I sense that that is considered our business.  We are on our own.

On our honeymoon in Italy

The church has never done a follow up on our marriage, my bridesmaids haven't ever inquired over our marriage, none of our wedding guests have checked in on our marriage, we are completely on our own.

Now you might be thinking, well why should any of these people care about supporting our marriage, what's it got to do with them at the end of the day? Our marriage is ours and we are supposed to look after it, to work on it.  I totally get this, as I've said, we are in a culture that doesn't support marriage (after the getting married part) and I am just as guilty of not asking the pertinent questions of my married friends and family, but it should, For two important reasons.  Firstly because there is a great deal of personal responsibility placed on marriages failing.  Divorce is generally blamed on the two people who are part of it.  Marriages fall apart for many reasons, but we have to ask what could the community have done to support that married couple in nourishing their marriage, in saving their marriage.  No one ever asks "how is your marriage going?" to open up that window of conversation to allow for the opportunity to ask for help or advice, or "what can I do to support your marriage?" No.  We struggle on, and then everyone wonders what went wrong, "they were so happy", "they seemed perfect for each other", and the assumption is that there was something wrong with one or both of the partners in the marriage that caused it to fail. There is no culture of talking about marriage struggles and challenges, because we are all supposed to live "happily ever after".  If the church, friends and family don't think to, or aren't willing to consider supporting the marriage of the people they so encouraged and celebrated before and during the wedding then they shouldn't just be placing blame on the two partners of the marriage. 

Secondly, we should all care about marriage because it greatly benefits society. Google tells me (and you're welcome to check yourself) that married men are less likely to commit violent crimes and married women are less likely to be victims of violent crime, marriage has been shown to lead to better outcomes for children, married people have better physical and mental health, and marriage leads to better economic outcomes, as with any statistics we don't see the full picture here and I don't mean in any way to imply that my single friends might not be doing as well as me in life or indeed with their children, because I know that's not true, my emphasis is on the fact that we can reliable say that marriage is good for society and therefore there should be an interest in all of us to support and encourage marriage because it makes society better for all of us and not just the two individuals who are part of it. 

On our 14 year anniversary

So what's to be done?  I can't and don't expect for all my loved one to turn around and suddenly be making an effort to support my marriage, as I said, there is no culture in our society for doing this, no one knows how, but there are two things that I CAN do.  Firstly I can seek out support, I can ask for recommendations for books, and online courses, I can ask people what they do to nourish their own marriages, I can look to people whose marriages appear to thrive and ask them what their secret is.  Secondly I can be the change I wish to see in the world by asking how I can be a support and encouragement for the marriages of my friends and family I can ask the question "How are things in your marriage?" and hold a comfortable space for them to talk about any joys, problems worries or challenges.  I can share honesty about marriage and things that have worked for me, I can be open about the fact that marriage can sometimes be hard, needs to be worked on and isn't always a fairy tale.  Also I can keep in mind how I can one day support the marriages of my children.  One day I hope I can do this not just by offering childcare or money for meals out or nights away but by opening up a conversation about marriage, allowing space for my children to talk about any struggles they might be having without any sense of shame or blame, and to share what things have worked for me and my husband in our marriage.  

Do you have a joyful marriage?  What do you do to nourish your marriage?  I'd love to hear any books, courses or words of encouragement to help my marriage to thrive.  I want to make my marriage a joyful one, not just a muddling through one. 

Finally some encouragement for you, a quote, that I love from Captain Corelli's Mandolin by Louis De Bernieres:

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.

The Bible: A Dangerous Book?- How to tackle the more challenging parts of the Bible with children

 A few weeks ago my voice appeared on radio for the first time, this was both exciting and cringe worthy.  Like many people I don't like the sound of my own voice much, but I gritted my teeth and listened to myself chatting about how I approach the tricky bits of the Bible with my four children.  My segment lasted just a few minutes and was edited down from a much longer conversation.  Of course this is necessary for radio, but I felt like I wanted to elaborate on what was presented on the radio because I certainly have further thoughts and reflections on the topic.  

My family motto from my Scottish ancestry is "Never unprepared", so in true Johnson clan style I did a bit of research and wrote a few pages of notes before the conversation.

My research mainly focused on the Utah Bible ban, the news piece which inspired the discussion in the first place.  It was clear from what I read that the whole debacle had been a mockery of the recent ban on explicit literature for children appearing in school libraries.  To be facetious it seems, some parents who objected to the initial ban cited the Bible as being grotesquely violent and "one of the most sex-ridden books around", based on it's "violence and vulgarity", as a result the Bible was temporarily banned in some schools. 

The question I was asked to contemplate in the light of this therefore was, how do we teach the violent and/or difficult bits of the Bible to children, and, should we leave out the more challenging parts?

For me a simple answer to this would be yes, I do think there are parts of the Bible that at certain ages we should leave out.  Young children's brains aren't developed enough to be able to comprehend the meaning behind what they might be  which could lead to short term harm.  The Bible is a complex book with many layers of meaning and depth.  While children can understand a great deal of depth and nuance; a straightforward good verses evil battle, even one which appears pretty gruesome, such as David and Goliath, Joshua and the walls of Jericho, Jael with her tent peg or the Israelites escaping from the Egyptian army through the red sea, are straightforward for children, and easy for them to understand the message, there are other stories in which the good and evil is not always obvious. Stories where an apparently innocent person suffers are much more difficult to present to children.  The rape of Dinah, the dismemberment of the concubine and the death of the first-borns in the plagues of Egypt for example. Children can understand the good verses evil concept, they understand that God is good and God destroys evil.  These stories can be understood by children on quite a superficial level and in spite of their violence, are not traumatising because they know that Good wins in the end. The stories where apparently innocent people suffer or die however can be difficult even for mature Christians to understand, so to expect a child to be able to pick apart how they were parts of God's big plan to show his great love for us would be an inappropriate expectation.  Therefore it is my view that these stories should be saved till a more a child's brain is more mature and ready to understand the message behind them.  The Bible is not meant to make children fearful, our God is not a God of fear "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God"  Isiah 41:10 tells us. So for this reason when they are little I use children's Bibles to read to my little ones.  

Some of our children's Bibles

There is a time and a place for those more challenging and difficult parts of the Bible.

Utah State Representative Ken Ivory was quoted saying:

"Traditionally in America, the Bible is best taught and best understood in the home, around the hearth as a family."

Now whilst this seems like a rather antiquated scene of the family sat around the fire sharing stories from the ol' family Bible, Ivory does make a good point.  The family is a great place to really get stuck into literature, to ask the hard questions and share thoughts, feelings and opinions in a safe space.  So in the unlikely event that your child should encounter one of the more difficult stories from the Bible, like those mentioned above, if you have created a home environment that encourages curiosity, questioning and honest conversations, children will feel safe to ask about the more shocking stories and you can read through and discuss the verses together, eliminating shock and fear and revealing how the stories show God's great love for us.  You can also pick up a Bible study aid of some sort to help understand the layers of meaning in them as well.  I have learnt a lot myself  reading through the Bible like this with my children, reading age appropriate stories and  finding out about their deeper meaning. 

I think that Ivory doesn't go far enough though, maybe because he sees religion as a private matter, but for Christians raising their children in faith, the church is also a vital place for children to gain understanding and wisdom of more difficult and challenging Bile stories.  It's important for children to hear about the Bible from all sorts of different, knowledgeable and spiritually mature people and not just their parents.

From the Jesus Storybook Bible

Obviously it's fairly unlikely that a child will pick up a Bible and encounter one of the more difficult stories on their own, one hopes that if they did they would feel they can approach a parent and discuss the story and ask questions.  Occasionally we do encounter a more difficult verse during our Bible reading and study and I will adapt the language to make the story more age appropriate. For example I might say that a woman was attacked, rather than raped. This isn't because I want to pretend to my children that rape doesn't happen or that I am afraid of the subject, it is because I want to maintain my children's innocence.  They encounter the darkness of the world every day and I want to limit it, I want to preserve their innocence and goodness as long as possible.  They will come across the concept of rape sooner than we would like anyway and I would rather discuss it with them then, than introduce the idea to them earlier. 

Likewise the word "adultery" I would probably change for "ran off with..."  Again this isn't because I am a coward and don't want to discuss the idea with them, it's to do with preserving their innocence and preventing them from worrying.  

Another tool I use if we encounter a difficult passage that they may not be mature enough to understand is to allow questions but not necessarily answer them.  So suppose they do encounter the word "rape" and they ask me what this means, I might give an age appropriate description, for example "it's when a man attacks a woman" or I might even say "that's not something you need to know right now".  

The fact is that the Bible does contain some dark stories.  Of course because it is about the world and real people and darkness is a part of the world and is a part of people.   

From the Hosanna Bible

When the Brothers Grimm wrote their fairy tales, they were a lot darker and more sinister than the more sanitised versions we read today.  The purpose was to create moralistic tales for the social good, to give children warnings about the world and how to live.  Although less gruesome the warnings to children still come through the stories today.  The story of Little Red Riding hood warns children not to turn from the path set out for them, to ask questions when you are in doubt and to listen to your gut instinct if something feels wrong.  Snow White taking the juicy red apple teaches children that if something looks too good to be true it probably is, not to accept treats from strangers, it tells us that the true meaning of beauty is more than just physical appearance, and to hold onto hope that you can overcome seemingly hopeless circumstances. 

Children being captured by witches, old ladies being eaten by wolves, being tricked into eating and drinking poison, parents dying, slavery...the writers of fairy tales did not shy away from challenging topics, because, like the Bible they reflect the truths that exist in the world, we live the the same world as the fairy-tale characters, and through them we too learn that there is darkness in the world, that we all make mistakes and that there is hope to overcome challenges.  Themes of good and evil, truth and lies, beauty and ugliness, capture and rescue, life and death, permeate the tales and all end in a happily ever after. 

In this way they reflect the stories of the Bible, we don't worry about sharing these challenging themes with children through fairy-tales, so we should not shy away from them in the Bible. 

From the Ladybird Children's Bible

Likewise, each and every challenging story in the Bible is included because they have an important message about God, ultimately they all lead us back to God's amazing love for us.  They help us to understand that we live in a fallen world, and how we should live in this world. They help us understand that we are all fallen human beings, each one of us flawed and sinful, just like the heroes we see in the Bible and the characters from our beloved fairy-tales.  If God can use those broken people for his glory then he sure as heck can use us too. Unlike Snow White, Cinderella or Hansel and Gretel, in the Bible we see real people over come real human challenges, not made up characters.  This inspires and encourages us, that we too can overcome great challenges that we face in life. We hear about Christians being persecuted and, although it is unlikely that we like John the Baptist will get our heads cut off, it prepares us for the fact that committing our lives to Christ does not mean a ticket to easy street, we will most certainly face persecution at some point in our lives because of our faith. The persecution and death of Jesus himself is completely terrible and gruesome, but it is vital that children learn about it, they need to hear the truth of Jesus being nailed to the cross to understand it's significance and importance for their own lives.  

The big difference between the Fairy-tales of our childhoods and the Bible is that the happily-ever-after that is promised in it is actually true.  We really do have a rescuer who has conquered evil and saved us, and one day we will get to experience this ourselves for real. Through Jesus death, as awful and shocking as it was we are not only saved for an equally devastating death, but we receive the gift of living that truth right now. 

So, although the are some very gruesome and dark stories in the Bible, it will always be safe and right and good to read the Bible with our children because through it they can learn the real truth about good and evil, darkness and light, capture and rescue and life and death, and that it is through Jesus, not magic spells, that we can have a real, true happily ever after. 

You can listen to my little segment here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001nlfw

Joyful Family - Creating a family culture of joy

I realise it is nearly the end of June and I am only now managing to share what my joyful focus has been for this month.  It has been an extremely challenging month for my family because we very sadly lost my dear mother-in-law after a long illness.    Her passing has taken a huge toll on us all and we are really hanging on by the skin of our teeth. It seems therefore, extra poignant that my word focus for June is "Joyful Family."

The Bible tells us in Thessalonians 5:16-18 to "Be joyful always, give thanks in all circumstances."  And I can tell you that it has been very hard to be joyful and thankful this month.  Our family hasn't been very joy filled. 

As many of you know my word for the year this year is "Joyful".  Having a word of the year helps        me to set goals and remain intentional and mindful as the day, weeks and months pass.  I find if I            don't have a focus like this I begin to stagnate and drift aimlessly through the year not achieving            anything, not growing as a person or maturing in my thoughts and actions.  Time seems to pass so        quickly when you are busy with little children, they constantly grow and change and are a visual      reminder that time is passing, so having a focus helps me slow things down, take notice and squeeze    as much juiciness out of life as possible!

May's focus was "joyful body", I confess I didn't make any great changes except from buying some new moisturiser and going for a handful of jogs, but the focus allowed me to think about what changes I want to make for my body and gave me a chance to think about my body, how it feels, what it needs, in order to start making small changes, that add up to big changes.  I have been thinking a lot about food recently, wanting to reduce processed food and eat better and about becoming more physically active, in many ways I haven't felt able to actually make the changes, I needed time to meditate on what a joyful body meant to me. But I am excited to start making actual physical changes now which I'm sure I'll share with you at some point.  I think that some changes we make in life have to happen over the period of many months, maybe even years, undoing habits and re-laying the rails as it were.  Big changes can take time and that's ok.  

So onto June.  This month my focus has been/is "Family".  A couple of weeks ago we enjoyed some quality time together on a much needed family holiday, although it has to be said it wasn't a relaxing holiday and I did come home feeling like I needed a holiday to recover from the holiday! The change was good though and being together for an intense period of time like that helps you understand each other a little better.  I had one moment walking on the beach, chatting with my eldest who is now 11, where I felt like I was walking with a friend.  That was a very encouraging feeling, and gave me hope that one day it won't be all correction and discipline and tolerating their noise and mess. 

Family is very important, one of the most important things in life I believe.  I know that is hard for some people to hear because many families are a disappointment to them or let their members down terribly, but I think it remains true, and I certainly see people who haven't got good family bonds working very hard to create great new families with their own children. 

I feel more and more like we do not live in a very family friendly society.  There is such a push to get women back to work after having babies with the lure of free childcare and the guilt associated with staying home.  I do not believe this is truly about money, I believe this is really about splitting up the family in order to divide a conquer as it were.  A family that is able to spend a lot of time together is a family that can develop, grow and nurture their own values, and family that is split is three or four directions for many hours of the day may result in individuals who take on society's values, or their friend's values, or their work-place's values and these aren't always compatible with the family, or, importantly for me, Christianity. Values such as selflessness, caring for the welfare of others over yourself, being content with what we have and being grateful for what we have, to give just a few examples. 

Our family has been through a lot over the past three years, we have faced many unexpected challenges, we don't always get along and we aren't always our best with each other but we love each other very much which is the most important thing and we are always trying to be better. 

There is always work that can be done to make family life more joyful, I decided to create an acronym to put up on the wall to remind our family of what attributes we value and strive for and to bring us all together:

                                                            The Jacksons are:

 

J – Joyful

A –Adventurous

C – Creative

K – Kind

S – Selfless

O – Optimistic

N – Noble

(It took a lot of strength not to write "noisy" for "N"!) Our Surname Jackson means "God is gracious" which is such a helpful meaning for our family. We definitely need God's grace in abundance!

Maybe you'd like to create an acronym for your family name which celebrates your ideal values and attributes. 

Finding moments of joy in everyday family life makes a big difference to your family culture.  Choosing to laugh at the little things that might otherwise be annoying, joining in with your children's games, entering into their world, making moments memorable by doing something different, or special and trying new things together can all help to nurture a culture of joy in your family.

Being mindful to nurture your family and work on making your family bonds stronger and closer is vital, not only for creating a joyful family for you and it's members to enjoy but for the rest of society as a whole. We know that the family is where we learn the fundamental skills for life, and that people who grow up in strong families are more likely to be happy, healthy and successful.  People from stable families have higher life expectancy, lower risk of mental health problems, lower engagement in crime and many other attributes which are beneficial to society as a whole. 

 Author Sally Clarkson says: "As a mother, you have the opportunity to form your home and family life in such a way that God's reality comes alive to your children each day."

Do not underestimate how important your work in building, growing and nurturing your family is. You are building a legacy which which be handed down through the generations and it's reach goes far beyond the walls of your home. 

So if you are having or have had hard times in your family, I want to encourage you to hang in there, keep working on it, keep striving for closeness, communication and love in your family.  And remember that joy is something you choose each and every day. 

This blog post is dedicated to my Mother-in-law, for whom family was most special.

Simple Mushroom Soup

It's been ages since I shared a recipe with you all but I made this mushroom soup which was so simple and easy to make I thought it was worth a share.

I use this recipe whenever I have a glut of mushrooms,  which occurs with ridiculous frequency in our house because I'm an appalling housekeeper and buy food without checking what we already have! 

Fortunately I love mushroom soup so all is not lost.

This recipe is really simple and can be made with as little as three ingredients. I do like to add a bit of a flourish with extra seasoning though so you'll find eight ingredients in this version. But that's eight ingredients you'll very likely find in your cupboards, and can be omitted without a disaster. 

Anyway enough chit chat let me get on with the recipe:

Begin by adding a good knob of butter or dairy free spread (which is what I use, flora is my favorite) to a pan and let it melt.

Next chop two large brown onions into small slices and add them to the pan. Gently fry them till they're soft and a little bit caremalisd.

Whilst the onions are cooking slice all your mushrooms, then dump them into the pan with the onions. 

Cook this down till the mushrooms are soft, then its time to add the seasoning.

I use one vegetable stock cube, ground garlic, black pepper and if you have it, dried parsley. 

Give this a bit of a stir and add about 500ml of boiled water.  Give it a whizz with a stick blender or whatever you have and voila! Delicious, garlicy,  oniony,  mushroom soup, delicious served immediately with buttery sourdough bread.

Ingredients:

Butter,

2 large brown onions,

Approximately 750g chestnut mushrooms,

1 vegetable stock cube,

1/2 tsp garlic granules, 

1/4 tsp ground black pepper,

1 tsp dried parsley,

500ml boiled water.

For the short version, simply fry the onions and mushrooms and add a stock cube for an equally delicious meal.