So August is upon us and wet July a distant memory. July was such a challenging month for us and for me personally I have and continue to be really struggling with life right now, home educating four children of different ages, trying to keep on top of a house that is overflowing with things and people who mess it up, helping my husband through grief, financial challenges, the whole shebang. There hasn't been much room for Joy.
You may remember that every year I choose a word for the year. This year's word is Joyful and each month has had it's joyful focus. Having Joyful as my word of the year has really helped me to be intentional with my thoughts and attention, giving space for me to reflect on how I feel and what positive changes I can make to my life.
July's joyful focus was marriage, and I will tell you now that I haven't done anything for this goal. July was too stressful and too hard and too overwhelming to give any thought or attention to my marriage other than the bare minimum. Right now we are in survival mode. But now the month is over and I am able to reflect on the notion of joyful marriage I have lots of thoughts and reflections to share with you.
Before you get married there is usually quite a lot of support and encouragement, the church supports you with a marriage preparation course, your friends get together to send you off with a hen/stag do, family often supports you financially for the wedding and help with planning and creating your big day. On your wedding day your family and friends all gather round to celebrate your love for each other, they spend money on new clothes, travel and drinks, they give gifts or money and cards to encourage you. You go on a glorious honeymoon where you get to spend quality time together before getting into the practicalities of married life, the message is clear, marriage is great, we love marriage, woo hoo! Go marriage! You return from your honeymoon, the dust settles, friends and family return to their normal lives, the church goes back to being place for Sundays and you realise...your on your own.
Reflecting on marriage this month has made me realise there is no culture in our society for supporting marriage after the wedding day.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years this years, and the only people who really support, encourage or care about our marriage is us. We are on our own.
I don't mean to sound unkind to our parents here, they send us anniversary cards and help us in the usual ways you'd expect parents who don't live very close to help, looking after children from time to time and giving financial support when it's been needed, and I am forever grateful for that. But they, like everyone else who supported us before and at our wedding don't actually do anything to specifically help and support our marriage, I sense that that is considered our business. We are on our own.
The church has never done a follow up on our marriage, my bridesmaids haven't ever inquired over our marriage, none of our wedding guests have checked in on our marriage, we are completely on our own.
Now you might be thinking, well why should any of these people care about supporting our marriage, what's it got to do with them at the end of the day? Our marriage is ours and we are supposed to look after it, to work on it. I totally get this, as I've said, we are in a culture that doesn't support marriage (after the getting married part) and I am just as guilty of not asking the pertinent questions of my married friends and family, but it should, For two important reasons. Firstly because there is a great deal of personal responsibility placed on marriages failing. Divorce is generally blamed on the two people who are part of it. Marriages fall apart for many reasons, but we have to ask what could the community have done to support that married couple in nourishing their marriage, in saving their marriage. No one ever asks "how is your marriage going?" to open up that window of conversation to allow for the opportunity to ask for help or advice, or "what can I do to support your marriage?" No. We struggle on, and then everyone wonders what went wrong, "they were so happy", "they seemed perfect for each other", and the assumption is that there was something wrong with one or both of the partners in the marriage that caused it to fail. There is no culture of talking about marriage struggles and challenges, because we are all supposed to live "happily ever after". If the church, friends and family don't think to, or aren't willing to consider supporting the marriage of the people they so encouraged and celebrated before and during the wedding then they shouldn't just be placing blame on the two partners of the marriage.
Secondly, we should all care about marriage because it greatly benefits society. Google tells me (and you're welcome to check yourself) that married men are less likely to commit violent crimes and married women are less likely to be victims of violent crime, marriage has been shown to lead to better outcomes for children, married people have better physical and mental health, and marriage leads to better economic outcomes, as with any statistics we don't see the full picture here and I don't mean in any way to imply that my single friends might not be doing as well as me in life or indeed with their children, because I know that's not true, my emphasis is on the fact that we can reliable say that marriage is good for society and therefore there should be an interest in all of us to support and encourage marriage because it makes society better for all of us and not just the two individuals who are part of it.
So what's to be done? I can't and don't expect for all my loved one to turn around and suddenly be making an effort to support my marriage, as I said, there is no culture in our society for doing this, no one knows how, but there are two things that I CAN do. Firstly I can seek out support, I can ask for recommendations for books, and online courses, I can ask people what they do to nourish their own marriages, I can look to people whose marriages appear to thrive and ask them what their secret is. Secondly I can be the change I wish to see in the world by asking how I can be a support and encouragement for the marriages of my friends and family I can ask the question "How are things in your marriage?" and hold a comfortable space for them to talk about any joys, problems worries or challenges. I can share honesty about marriage and things that have worked for me, I can be open about the fact that marriage can sometimes be hard, needs to be worked on and isn't always a fairy tale. Also I can keep in mind how I can one day support the marriages of my children. One day I hope I can do this not just by offering childcare or money for meals out or nights away but by opening up a conversation about marriage, allowing space for my children to talk about any struggles they might be having without any sense of shame or blame, and to share what things have worked for me and my husband in our marriage.
Do you have a joyful marriage? What do you do to nourish your marriage? I'd love to hear any books, courses or words of encouragement to help my marriage to thrive. I want to make my marriage a joyful one, not just a muddling through one.
Finally some encouragement for you, a quote, that I love from Captain Corelli's Mandolin by Louis De Bernieres:
Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.
