Social Media Fast - my 40 days offline

 It's Lent!

This is a special time of year for some Christians as we prepare to celebrate Jesus' death and resurrection on Good Friday followed by Easter. 

This time of preparation was traditionally used as a time of fasting, remembering Jesus' 40 days and nights in the desert where he fasted from food and drink and was tested by the devil. 

Since the 300's AD people fasted during lent, and later people would fast from foods like eggs, milk and butter, which is why we make pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, to use up these items. 

This Lent I am fasting from sugar and social media, and I want to tell you that so far, just under two weeks in, it has been wonderful.  Some might say I am a bit of a cheat thought because I do indulge in these two vices on Sundays.  Lent is, after all 40 days and nights EXCLUDING Sundays, because on Sundays we celebrate the risen Christ.  I have been using two really good devotionals to help me remain focused and committed to the fast, the first is called Celtic Lent, 40 days of devotions to Easter by David Cole, and the second is called The 40-day Social Media Fast by Wendy Speake. 

I don't want to lecture you about the benefits of giving up sugar, the benefits are pretty well documented (Wendy Speake has also written a 40-day devotional for quitting sugar), what I will tell you thought is that my once a week indulgence of sugar on Sundays is revealing to me how unpleasant an effect sugar actually has on my body.  I can't deny the biscuits, syrup soaked pancakes, Turkish delight and cake have tasted delicious, but I could really do without the sluggish, jittery, dizzy, headachy spell I get afterwards. So far my Sundays have been especially unproductive (aside from writing this blog post of course which is fuelled by an especially delicious pistachio flavoured Turkish delight!) Housework and planning have gone out the window as I have stumbled round the house, face buried in my phone, wondering where I put my cup of tea and trying to pull myself together enough to do something productive. 

Needless to say I hope to persist with abstaining from sugar after Lent is over and continue to benefit from the reduction in sugar spikes, the clearer head and the genuine energy to do things around the house that fasting from sugar has generated. 

What I really want to talk about is my break from social media, not so much what I have gained from not going on, which has been a great deal including more time for reading and looking my children in the face, but more especially what I am NOT missing out on. 

Before Lent I am ashamed to say that I was likely addicted to social media, it was an excellent distraction and diversion from the stresses of home educating four wild boys, staring at Facebook videos, one after the other in an endless reel was a hypnotising, dopamine stimulating, but cortisol inducing way of escaping from life.  I was like a chain smoker who couldn't resist picking up the next cigarette and lighting up, before I knew it I spent an hour lying in bed watching reel after reel, resulting in an even later night (and tired-er morning) as I lay awake for a further hour, overstimulated and unable to sleep. 

Thankfully, unlike withdrawing from drugs alcohol or cigarettes I have suffered from almost no withdrawal effects. For a few days I was compulsively checking my phone for updates and notifications, I still check my phone for messages but its much less often habitually, and I often go several hours without realising I haven't checked my phone. Now, only 12 days later I am not checking nearly as often. 

What I had come to realise before I made my break from social media is that it is almost wholly toxic and bad for us. 

There are of course some benefits, such as finding out about home education and church events, and being able to ask people for help of different subjects, connecting with other people.  This is of course what sold us all on social media to begin with, connection, but for me, that became a much less used resource than the video reels. So, I'm not saying that social media is all bad, but it had become very unhealthy for me. 

I wasn't just watching reels on Facebook, I was also watching reels on Instagram and twitter and spending significant amounts of time reading posts and comments on Twitter.  Thankfully I have never engaged with Tiktok so have not had to deal with that monster. 

I'd say that Instagram was the least toxic of these, the algorithms generally showed me aspirational posts, home education, homesteading and home making ideas.  With these sorts of posts there is always the risk of comparison, the "grass is always greener on the other side" feeling, but generally speaking there wasn't too much horrific content.  I do sometimes fall victim to felling not-as-good-as the women who seem to have perfect lives, but I have enough sense to know that oftentimes we aren't seeing the full picture.

Facebook also has generally inoffensive algorithms, they were much less relevant to me, funny kitten videos, people falling from things, hyper speed cleaning videos, that sort of thing.

By a long shot Twitter was the most toxic.  There were two main types of post that I was being show, first, posts which would provoke me to anger, such as those with an anti-Christian, anti-woman, anti-child message, and second, posts which would shock, upset or disgust.  The algorithms were wild, showing me things I had never searched for, not would ever want to.  I have seen an awful lot of things on twitter that I wish I had never seen, to give you a flavour, I have seen people who were almost certainly being killed, dead babies, women with severe anorexia, images of self-harm, broken limbs and actual p8rn. What is most worrying is that essentially a child could see these things.  As I said, I never searched for any of this content, it was what Twitter decided to show me.

A friend told me recently that this difference between Instagram and Twitter is more common knowledge than I had thought, apparently a post search for "France" or "French" on Instagram would show pleasant photos of baguettes in bike baskets, the pretty Parisian women in front of the Eiffel tower, beautiful French landscapes, delicious food and of course manicures (at least Instagram knows I am a woman!) whereas an equivalent search on twitter would show posts and photos of angry protests, rioting and posts with a generally negative tone.  I did this search myself and found it to be generally true the only thing they had in common was football (obviously the algorithms don't know me THAT well!) The comments section on Twitter is by far the worst place and where I saw the most disgusting, debased content. 

I haven't been able to manage this very well as an adult, I have found myself feeling deeply disturbed, upset, angry, agitated and repulsed by some of the things I have seen, and I'd like to remind you that I have never searched for any of this content.  I am certain that if I had the wherewithal I might have been able to change settings so that I saw less disturbing content, but my point is, children might be seeing this. Children. 

It is hard enough as an adult with a fully developed brain, to extract myself from the endless scrolling.  The videos and images are so stimulating and provoke such an addictive response in the brain that it can be very hard to put down your phone and step away from it. They are designed to be like this, to keep us coming back. If social media becomes an addiction, UK Addiction Treatment Centres says that:

"An addict [social media] will rely on their device compulsively to satisfy a particular need, dependant on social media to feel balanced and functional.  This is because social media use activates those same reward pathways that are triggered when using an addictive substance, such as drugs or alcohol.

When we spend time on social media platforms, our brain releases small bursts of dopamine, as if to reward us for such a pleasurable activity. Experiencing this neurological response can push us to take part in that behaviour again, using social media to seek instant and constant gratification wherever we are."

If social media is so potentially addictive for an adult imagine how much more so it might be for a child. 

What is more the content itself is potentially harmful.  For example seeing pro-anorexia content has been shown to trigger anorexia in those at risk of or recovering from anorexia. There is also evidence that viewing self-harm increases self-harm, and that watching footage of violence can increase aggression even in children. 

Because of the unfiltered nature of social media, which, unlike television has very little in the way of editing and regulation, the risk of seeing harmful imagery is high unless restrictions are in place. 

You can see therefore that I am really not missing anything positive from being absent from social media, and I am benefitting from missing a great deal of nasty and unpleasant stuff.  One weird thing I have noticed since going media-free has been that I have been so so tired!  I have concluded that prior to lent my brain was essentially running purely on sugar and dopamine hits and hyper stimulation from social media.  The screen would keep me up late at night with its over-stimulating and troubling viewing, and in the morning, I'd be so tired, I'd need a boost of social media, with it's dopamine hits to switch my brain back on.  However because now I am feeling my tiredness, I am going to bed earlier and getting more sleep. 

It's worth mentioning that social media use has been shown to also increase the stress hormone cortisol, according to behavioural health experts:

"Too much time on social media increases stress levels, and levels of the stress hormone cortisol and adrenaline.  The more you engage in doomscrolling, the more cortisol and adrenaline are released in your brain and body.  This leads to more stress and both mental and physical exhaustion."

It has been a great relief for me to extract myself from all this harmful content, as well as the constant diet of dopamine and cortisol in unhealthy and inappropriately timed amounts.  It has freed me to dig into lots of books, has opened my spirit to more prayer and bible study, turned my face and heart towards my children, turn my body towards housework and even start tackling the growing to-do list.  

I'd like to conclude this post by saying that I'll never become addicted to social media again, that I'm going to use my self-control to only use it appropriately, but I am worried that I won't be able to resist the temptation to scroll once Lent is over.  I really don't want to get into those bad habits.  This post will have to be a "to be continued" type of post and we will have to wait and see, though probably I'll be too ashamed to mention it if I do get sucked back in. Please do message me if you have any tricks or tips of staying free from social media.

Have you given up anything for Lent? Have you given up social media or sugar? How are you finding it? Let me know. 

Joyful Home

Yesterday marked two years exactly since we moved from a tiny two bed semi in a large housing estate just outside Reading to a 4 bed house in a little village in the Forest of Dean. It's been an incredible journey full of surprises, not least finding out I was pregnant two weeks after moving! 

We had great plans for our new home when we moved in, and perhaps we might have done them if we hadn't had to deal with pregnancy and a new-born, plus two bouts of covid, one of which nearly finished my husband off. We have, for some reason, suffered a lot of health issues since we moved including being diagnosed as asthmatic and my husband suffering from long covid, which have also impeded our progress on transforming our new house into our forever home. 

I am incredibly thankful that we have this beautiful space to live in with plenty of rooms and a big garden, and although we haven't achieved as much as we thought we would have in two years, we have had some successes including painting five of the rooms, getting new double glazing fitted, removing our old fire place and hearth and getting a log burner fitted, fitting a shelving unit in the dining room and lifting the patio and laying it to lawn. But perhaps more important than all those we have found a wonderful community here in the forest, of neighbours, home educators and Christians who have really helped us to feel at home here even if our house isn't quite feeling as settled as we'd like.

However, I am now feeling like the time is right to really knuckle down to improving our house, because, although I am proud of our accomplishments we have definitely slowed our progress in recent months (winter has an tendency to do that to you).  But now spring is here, albeit a rather wet one and I am ready to tackle some new challenges.  Spring time brings renewal and for me, a desire to have a good spring clean, freshen things up and get a few more jobs ticked off our to-do list. For these reasons I felt that April would be a good month to start creating a joyful home.

You may remember that my word of the year this year is "Joyful". I spent January thinking, praying and reading to help me work out what having a joyful year meant to me.  February was focused on "Joyful Parenting" and March's focus was "Joyful Home school". Before I get down to the details of crafting a joyful home, I was to spend a bit of time on last month's "Joyful Home school" focus.

At the start of March I talked to you about how our home school was feeling very disheartening and I was feeling very discouraged.  This month I tried a few new things but  I must admit, a month doesn't feel like a very long time to make big changes in your life, and I'll be honest with you, I am still struggling to make our home school feel enjoyable.  But I know this is just a small part of a large picture, that each new day is a fresh start and that my goals don't end just because the month has, I can keep on working on crafting a joyful home school for years and years to come. 

One things that I did to try to make things more joyful was to say "yes" to more spontaneous and fun things. One of the days the boys had asked to go for a play in a particular playground, I agreed even though no formal work had been done that day.  When we were in the playground my eldest saw a man with a pack of fish and chips and asked if we could go and get some.  My initial response was to say no and come up with a list of excuses for why we couldn't get chips; too expensive, not just before lunch, we don't have time.  But I decided to say yes.  We drove to the chip shop then back to the playground and ate the chips on paper with little forks and sachets of ketchup in the car because it had started to rain.  Something so simple but the boys loved it and it turned an ordinary day into a memorable day.

Another day, after of what seemed like weeks of rain we were invited to a beautiful nature spot in the forest to hang out for a morning.  My initial though was that we couldn't, we had work to do and I didn't want to make a packed lunch.  But I decided to say yes and we ended up having a lovely time on one of the only sunny days that week. 

Maths and English hasn't felt like such a chore this month either for some reason, the boys have been much more willing to sit down and get it done.  I wonder if this might be because I have worked with them individually rather than trying to do it altogether at the table and I have let my eldest do his work up in his room. 

Our topic of Australia has also felt good.  We were getting a big bogged down with the history so I decided to switch things up (inspired by some things I had seen on Pinterest (if your ever struggling for ideas to spice up your home school Pinterest is a really great place to go for ideas.)) and create a sort of 3D relief model of the topography of the Island, it was fun once we got started and the outcome ended up looking amazing and the boys were really proud.  I need to remember that I can be flexible in our approach to a topic and that it doesn't need to be studied in a strict, orderly way, it's ok to jump around from idea to idea to build up a picture of the place. 

I read a little book called "Joyful home school" (it was certainly appropriately titled) which gave me a few ideas about how changing my own mindset might make our home school life more joyful.  Gratitude, positive thinking and descriptive praise were all key features, things I already know really but need reminding of.  I have often had rather sceptical, negative thoughts about the power of positive visualisation and thinking, and gratitude, not without good reason but because it does not always align with the teachings of Christianity, and it can become an idol whereby we rely on our own ability to think positively, visualise positively and verbalise our gratitude to make good things happen and stop relying on God.  However the Bible does also affirm that thinking good thoughts, and gratitude can help you have positive outcomes: 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Those verses from Philippians have been such an encouragement to me this year and as I said at the start of this year, they remind me that the important thing to remember about joyfulness is that it is a choice and that it comes from Christ Jesus. Any positivity or gratitude, although it might make things feel better are ultimately meaningless unless I rely on the Lord for my strength and place all my desires in his hands. I have to remind myself time and again that it is ultimately God's will that I should be seeking.  

And so as I begin a new focus for the month of April, the most important thing is to remember that all my hopes and prayers must be asked in Jesus name and for it to be God's will. 

So, all that being said.  I now look to a month of April and how I will create a "Joyful Home". At the moment our home does not feel very joyful.  Mainly because it is a big mess but also because of the unfinished look of the place and the fact we are missing some items that would help it be less messy for example shelves where there are none, toilet roll holders and towel rings, and hooks.  I never realised how much I use and enjoy hooks until I had none! We also need to add some finishing touches that would help our home feel more homely like pictures and art to put on the wall and boxes that remain sadly unpacked. 

Those are the physical aspects that would help our home feel more joyful but there are other areas that need work too.  Our daily, weekly and monthly rhythms  for example, making set times for doing certain things that bring joy and togetherness.  A lot of my good ideas, habits and intentions have either remained just that or have fallen by the wayside because they felt too much like hard work compared to just letting the boys watch TV. This obviously needs to change.  I need to pull my finger out and start being more intentional with my routines and rituals, to take the harder but ultimately more rewarding choices. 

I am thankful that this month includes the Easter holidays because that means I can crack on with house jobs and feel less guilty about having a break from formal lessons. The boys can play and I can work on crafting a beautiful and creative home for my family.

 

I will be revisiting Sally Clarkson's book Lifegiving home to remind me of what is important and that it's not about spending a lot of money, but creating a loving and nurturing atmosphere that makes a joyful home and I will be taking with me the words of advice from "Joyful Homeschool" about positive thinking, gratitude and the other excellent points made which remind me that joy is not just about what we do but a mindset.  I will inevitably buy another book or two to help me on this journey and I will show you the results next month.  Hopefully I'll not only have visual changes to share with your but also atmospheric changes which reflect an injection of joyfulness into our home. 

Welcoming in the Autumn

I do so love this time of year, it's not so hot so as to leave you sweaty and puffing and yet there isn't quite the chill in the air to force you to grab for a coat and woolly scarf. But more so than enjoying the pleasure of going out in a cardigan is the beautiful autumn light which, on a sunny day gives you that warm feeling inside as it lights up the cobwebs and brings a glow to rose hips and elderberries.  It makes everything look warm and like a memory, like a photograph that you wish you could hold in your hand and keep forever.

We have been fully embracing the season, soaking in the fading rays of sun with beautiful Autumnal walks, seasonal food and Autumn crafts.  The river and the woods have been calling us and we've been collecting seeds and berries, opening and closing locks, pushing swing bridges, riding canal boats, picking apples and throwing sticks to knock pears from the tree! And we still have conkers and sweet chestnuts, harvest festival and Michaelmas to come.  It's bittersweet though because I know it will all too soon come to an end and we will be plunged into the depths of winter where sleet and wind will make us far more hesitant to leave the house for fresh air and exercise.  I am sure one day I will be able to enjoy cosy afternoons by the fire enjoying a puzzle with one of my sons.  But right now charging about, wrestling and generally causing mayhem with sword sticks and guns is the order of the day, sedate and genteel afternoons with three wild boys are a thing of a fantasy of my own making at the moment!

Today we enjoyed a delicious ploughman's lunch with sourdough bread purchased from Borough Market, some delicious vegan cheddar-onion cheese, Autumn chutney made by my mother-in-law and a crisp apple from our own tree.  We accompanied this with a side salad including lettuce from out garden and we really felt like we were enjoying the fruits of our labour!

So yes, we are enjoying this season of mist and mellow fruitfulness, but life goes on with the challenges of trying to raise 3 boys to become good, kind, Godly men and as I watch the leaves of the trees quickly change from green to yellow and brown before my eyes I am reminded of how quickly this season of life with little children passes. And just as I savour the sharp tang of cheese and chutney, the sweet, crispness of the apple and the delightful pleasure of being able to go out in just a cardigan, I am trying my best to savour the moments of pleasure with the little ones. Their playful imagination, their elaborate fantasy role plays, their den building and their sweet sleeping faces.  I know these things won't last forever (well maybe the sweet sleeping faces) and I can feel the time slipping away, I just want to savour it all.  Bittersweet. Autumn and childhood, just let me inhale, touch, savour and remember it all.  I'll see the Autumn again, but once these little ones are grown and fly the nest I will just have the memories and the photographs left, so I pray, let me remember and let me make the most of it.

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What I learned when I quit social media

The first day I was constantly picking up my phone then putting it down again, the
habit of looking at my phone was so strong it was like an impulse.

I had decided to give up social media for lent.  Facebook and Instagram were my main vices, they had become a distraction from my children, from my husband, from housework, from life.

I soon overcame my impulse to constantly check my phone, but it wasn't really until lent was over that I began to realise the benefits of avoiding it, and the real negatives of engaging with it.

During my fast the many benefits of not being on social media became abundantly clear.  I was more available for my family, less distracted and the awful image of the mother with her face glued to her phone was gone.  I am not perfect so I did replace the phone with books, but how much more inspiring is it for my children to see their mother distracted, or otherwise engaged with a book than it is a phone!? I was less stressed as I wasn't getting caught up in petty arguments and I was cut off from my main news source, (I even watched the actual news a couple of times during my fast as I had no idea what was going on in the world!) so my anxiety about world issues was massively reduced, and because my mind wasn't overwhelmed by the plight of people and environment in far flung places I felt more available to help with the everyday plights of my children, husband, friends and home, my circle of influence.  I had more emotional energy for them as I wasn't wasting any on things that I couldn't have any impact on.

Not being on social media freed up my time as I wasn't wasting it staring at the screen at mindless junk.  I was tidying the house, I was batch cooking meals, I was changing bed sheets, I was gardening and I had more time for reading books. Time scrolling facebook during evening breastfeeds with my two year old were spent pinning exciting things on Pinterest (though be warned, Pinterest can be a rabbit hole, so I know now I have to stay on topic.  One minute I am looking at ideas for sensory play for two year old's, and the next I am reading about how the world is flat and the queen is a lizard (I kid you not!).)  My FOMO (fear of missing out) was unfounded, I didn't miss out on anything at all, my friends relayed events to me that they thought would be interesting and I got plenty of information from my friends on messenger and through emails.

So I bet you think I have stuck with not going on Facebook of Instagram since Easter?  Well you'd be sadly mistaken. Over the last few weeks I have re-immersed myself fully in social media.  I have very quickly fallen back into my old habits of constantly looking and checking my phone.  My husband has noticed I am distracted and I am sure my children have too. My children now see me on my phone as an everyday occurrence, the phone as an extension of my hand. I desperately don't want them to think that having a phone in your hand to stare at is a normal thing, and something they will do.

From the first moment I began scrolling through Facebook I was seeing posts that caused me anxiety, at least 5 posts unnerved, angered or otherwise bothered me in the first five minutes of scrolling
And this has continued ever since. It is terrible, I have slipped back into old habits so quickly, once I pick up my phone and start scrolling I find it extremely difficult to stop, I get into arguments with people I don't even know and get frustrated with trying to reason with idiots! Why do I do this to myself?

So I want to say right now that I am giving up Facebook and Instagram for good.  But I can't.  Let me tell you why.

Facebook and Instagram give me a voice, or at the very least make my feel like I have a voice which reaches further out into the world than to the friends and family I see on a weekly basis.  I feel like I can have an impact on the lives of others through what I share online. I enjoy feeling like I can bring joy, comfort and encouragement to others, that I can make people think, stretch people out of their comfort zones and have my own thoughts challenged and discussed. I missed feeling like I was part of a wider world when I was fasting from social media.  I also use Facebook for practical purposes, I document our home education journey with my family in a private group.

So now I need to work on getting a balance.  I need to work on self-control and stopping myself from mindless scrolling. I need to work on sharing stuff that I am passionate about and that adds something good to the world and my life and not clicking on and reading drivel. So from here on in I am expecting to spend less time mindlessly scrolling my home page, engaging with click bait articles and arguing with strangers about stuff I can't control or change.  I will be focusing on my circle of influence, so expect posts on the environment, veganism, home education, mothering, positive parenting and breastfeeding and more, and also just general feel good, or thought-provoking posts to those who know me or have some sort of real connection to me outside of the screen.

I hope I can maintain the will power and self-control to stick to this plan, I think it is worth it as I now know how much better it is to be living in the real world and not stuck to my screen.  Why  not join me and see how reducing your social media engagement can change your life.