Stepping into motherhood

Post contains affiliate links

I was recently part of a conversation on Facebook where a woman was asking for parenting resources particularly for her as a mother who was new to gentle parenting and wanted support and encouragement from other mums.  One of the commenters replied asking why she would need resources particularly for mothers as "it's all parenting".  A couple of other people who replied also seems confused as to why anyone would want resources specific to mothers.  This was really disheartening for the original poster who just wanted some links to resources that might help her embrace this new philosophy. It also made me sad that Christian mothers couldn't see that parenting a child as a woman or parenting a child as a man are two different things and that each has value.  Of course there is a massive amount of overlap which is why most parenting books are helpful to both mums and dads, but to deny that there are any differences at all seemed to me not only unbiblical (the Bible makes it clear that God created us with different unique gifts), but also reductionist, reducing us from our unique and sacred roles as mothers or fathers to an all encompassing and homogenous "parents".  It's also just plain unhelpful for people seeking resources suited to their sex. 

This denial that women and men have spiritual and emotional differences and needs is also happening in churches, women are rejecting sex separated groups and ministry, often preferring everyone together all the time. Long gone is the mothers union.  Why are women rejecting women's ministry?  Why do they see no value in women gathering together in a space of shared experiences? 

I am sure I have some beloved readers who are feeling their blood pressure rise as they read this thinking I am talking about gender stereotypes.  I'm not.  I am not talking about how mothers should be staying home cleaning and cooking whilst dads should be the ones going out to work, nor am I saying mothers should be the soft ones who offer comfort and sympathy whilst dads should be the tough ones dishing out discipline and rough housing. The debate over whether and how male and females brains are different and whether these differences are social or biological will probably go on for decades, even some of the most respected thinkers haven't been able to draw concrete conclusions, but it is my belief that there are differences between men and women, fathers and mothers that go beyond our reproductive organs, hormones and social upbringing.  This stems from my own personal observations and experience, and from my perspective as a Christian which looks to the Bible for truth about things that science cannot explain.  The Bible is consistent in the picture it paints of what it means to be male and female and the fact of them being different, not that women in are in any way inferior to men or that women and men shouldn't do things together or that there are many things that are the same for women and men, but that God made us different for a special reason. 

So all that to say (as a disclaimer!), what I want to discuss here isn't whether men and women, mothers and father are different (you can safely assume that I believe they are) what I want to discuss is why some Christian women would question the value of resources specific to mothers and fathers, men and women, why they would reject the Biblical (and may I say rather wonderful) ways than the sexes differ in preference for a homogenous application of spirituality and treatment generally.  

So why are women rejecting women only spaces? And why are women not seeing the value in resources and support tailored to their unique roles as mothers? 

Maybe women aren't just rejecting women and mother only spaces and specific resources but they are rejecting womanhood and motherhood altogether. I see this in the way we treat periods (pretend we aren't having them, treat them as a huge inconvenience, take hormones to eliminate them etc), breastfeeding (hide it away, minimise it as much as possible or decline participating at all etc), pregnancy (expected to carry on as if nothing is happening, talk about the pregnancy as it is is something the male partner also experiences "we're pregnant!" etc) and childbirth (unnecessary intervention, mistrust of a woman's ability to birth, rejection of physiological childbirth due to fear etc), women are rejecting the very functions that make them women (and just to clarify I am not saying that women who do not experience these things are any less women.) I talk about these more in my series on Patreon HERE .  There are several reasons why I believe women are rejecting womanhood:

• History of marginalisation, oppression and persecution: Aside from a few ancient maternal societies, women have been marginalised, oppressed and persecuted by men.  Is it any wonder then that they want to reject those things that define their femininity?  By avoiding women's only groups, by rejecting the idea that resources designed specifically for mothers or fathers are of value women can feel like they are moving away from this historical oppression.  Women can hope then to be treated exactly the same as men, be treated as their equal. Women and mothers are perhaps trying to shake off the negative historical connotations of womanhood and motherhood, those gender stereotypes I mentioned earlier, plus the stereotypes of servitude and weakness.
• Pressure to be an economic contributor: Motherhood has no immediate value to the economy, so it is not supported by government or businesses.  In fact whole other businesses have been created on the back of women returning to work (childcare).  The message that paid work is the only work that is of value is deeply ingrained into our modern society and into the psyche of women.  Many of my mother peers have never had the role model of a mum at home to affirm their own desire to be with their children, and there are no celebrity role models for motherhood.  Also women feel guilty about staying home when their husbands are in paid work (as if looking after your children is a holiday!). 
• Sexualisation and objectification of women's bodies: Most women don't want to be constantly sexualised and objectified, yet this is the image we constantly bombarded with in the media and from society.  We are told that our worth is in our ability to excite the male gaze and if our visage doesn't do this we are spent, rejected and useless.  Some women find their sense of worth through being objectified in this way and when their bodies do not fit with the stereotype of what is sexually acceptable they lose their sense of worth.  Women who don't feel this way and never wanted to be sexualised to begin with are stepping away from womanhood in order to avoid the sexualisation of our bodies. We think if we can be more like men then we won't be sexualised and objectified by them. 

Historically women were marginalized and oppressed by men because of our biology so the obvious solution to this is to reject it (as mentioned above) Clearly this hasn't worked.  Women are still oppressed and marginalised, maybe we in the west are married off as children, or sent to huts during our periods or refused positions of power in businesses, now, instead we oppress ourselves.  Instead of being oppressed by the patriarchy we now kowtow to the economy, we think we are free because we are no longer tied to the perceived slavery of domesticity, but we are enslaved anew byt out own chosen economic servitude. Stepping into motherhood, grabbing it with both hands and embracing everything that it is is the most empowering thing I have ever done.  Making that choice, not because I am forced to by a society that expects women to stay home as it did in the past but because I know in my heart that being a full time mother is the best thing I can do with the time I have with my children when they are little. 

As Sally Clarkson says in her book Desperate:

"Understanding that the best and most lasting "work" I would ever do was wrapped up in my call as a mother gave me a grand scope for my life such as I had never known before.  I began to see that the nurturing of my children was my great stewardship in every part of their little lives: accepting them into my arms and bearing the responsibility for their health from feeding at my breasts; developing their emotional well-being by encouraging them to attach deeply to me as infants; stimulating their brains by talking with them, touching them, snuggling with them; and predisposing them to know the love of God by building pathways in their brains.  I was just beginning to grasp how profound God had created the role of mother to be."

If we, instead of criticising women who don't go back to work; encourage and uplift them, we ultimately uplift the role of motherhood for everyone. Maybe in the future we will see a generation of women emboldened enough to choose full time motherhood as a role that is just as valid (and maybe even more so) than returning to paid work, even if only for a short time (but perhaps longer that the government approved maximum of a year)  How about we petition the government for longer maternity leave, fully paid rather than free childcare so we can return to paid work? If we made motherhood a desirable option  maybe more mums who wanted to stay home would feel empowered to make that choice. 

There is already a movement towards accepting different body types, embracing our stretch marks, marvelling at our baggy skin, but the market for body hatred is still going strong. We have a long way to go before women feel strong enough to reject whatever the current fashion is for a sexy body, before women are strong enough to say with confidence and truly believing that enough is enough, women are beautiful in their own right, the approval of men isn't what makes us beautiful. 

I imagine a future where we truly celebrate our stretch marks and loose skin, not as a token gesture towards body acceptance, but as badges of the amazing things our bodies have done. Maybe if we were excited about our first grey hair, our first wrinkle as a mark of achievement, a sign that we were one of the lucky ones who lived long enough to get them, we would feel like our female bodies are a thing of wonder to be honoured, treated with care and love.  Our bodies are just fine as they are fabulous in fact.  Your loved ones aren't going to love you any more for whiter teeth, smoother bellies or thinner thighs, they love you just as you are, and anyone who would love you more because of these things isn't worth having in your life, lets stop being handmaidens to the patriarchy by continuing to spend money on these things, by continuing to agree that this or that is more beautiful. Embracing our bodies with all their natural oddities and differences is the first step towards accepting and embracing our womanhood and motherhood. Imagine if, because of how we talked about and treated our bodies today, we nurtured a generation of girls and boys who really believed that natural bodies, in all their variety were beautiful.  Imagine a generation who rejected cosmetic surgery to make themselves all look the same.  It just takes us being brave enough to say that yellowy teeth are ok, that baggy bellies are just fine thanks, that thin lips, flat bums and small/big/low/wonky breasts are just as good as any other kind, to dismantle an entire industry! 

We have all this within our power if we choose to embrace our womanhood and our motherhood, to join together with other women who feel the same.  I want to encourage all women and especially mothers who feel like rejecting women only spaces, groups, ministry books etc, because of some sense of discomfort with these things to carefully examine their subconscious, step deeply into their discomfort, and consider the reasons why they feel this way because I am not convinced it is a simple as preferring male company and feeling like we are the same. Joining with other women is one of the most empowering acts of sisterhood a woman can claim, as artist Sark says: 

"The circle of women around us weave invisible nets of love that carry us when we are weak and sing with us when we are strong."

So today consider the women around you, we all have something in common;  a shared experience of being women and mothers. We are united by the shared physical experiences we all have an understanding of, puberty, menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, motherhood and just simply the lived experience of being a woman in this world which comes with much that men can never fully understand (having not lived it) including the oppression by the patriarchy, the fear of male violence, the power of the media and beauty industry to undermine our confidence, and the pressure to make money by a society that says this is where you find value.

If you are struggling to find women to connect with, keep persevering, there are women out there like you, with similar interests and passions, keep looking, keep going to those toddler groups, those women's craft afternoons, those NCT meets, those breastfeeding, babywearing, cloth bumming groups, keep searching till you find your tribe, it's out there I promise.  I think we could transform the world by grasping womanhood and motherhood with two arms, by really honouring the role of motherhood and the unique and marvelous gift it is to the world.  You are not wasting your time or your skills by embracing motherhood when your children are little, it is the best thing you could possibly do with this one wild and precious life.  You are not any less of a person when you embrace your womanhood, sisterhood, motherhood, let's embrace it now, let's step into it, lets uplift others who are doing it, it can be wonderful and rewarding and empowering and it might just be there for the taking. 

We rise by lifting others.

   

Let's go fly a kite

 This week we had one lovely, blustery day.  I took the boys up to the local playing field with a few kites and the intention to fly them.   After a rather dodgy start with one kite whose string frayed through and another that refused to fly at all, we finally got one up in the air and flying beautifully.  The boys eventually lost interest and went off to play in the playground whilst I continued to hold meditatively onto the handle of the kite, enjoying the sensation of the gentle tugging, the feeling of being connected to the wind high above me and the sight of the coloured kite swirling and twirling in the air like a party streamer.  I imagined the kite was trying to free itself from the tether of the string and fly free across the sky.

This idea got me thinking.  Am I like a kite that feels tethered and wants to be free?  What is tying me down and stopping me from swooping and flying?  It would be easy to imagine that when I committed my life to God as a Christian, to following Him only, I tethered myself like the kite.  Initially this thought felt awkward and restricting and I had to wrestle with it for a moment, but then came a divine flash of insight.  I imagined myself letting go of the kite to allow it to fly free, I imagined what would happen to that kite....

It would be blown chaotically across the sky, it would no longer hold its shape, it would swoop off in random directions, we wouldn't be able to see it's beautiful colours, the string would get tangled and wrapped around itself, it would likely get stuck in a tree or else drop to the floor still and lifeless, tumbling across the playing field like an abandoned crisp packet.  The kite was free, but was it able to show its best?  Could the kite live it's best life untethered?  I realised with clarity that no, it couldn't. 

For me in that moment this was very much an analogy of life with God. When we tether ourselves to God, it can appear like we are no longer free, like we are restricted, tied down, but in fact when we tether ourselves we can become the best version of ourselves possible.  With God holding the string our beautiful colours show, we can swoop and twirl in the wind in a beautiful and intentional display as the wind fills us and allows us to fly as high as possible, bold and bright against the sky, tail and ribbons dancing joyfully in the wind. This is not the chaos and collapse of life without a tether. What's more, with God we are protected, he keeps us safe from blowing away, we cannot get lost and are less likely to get stuck in a tree, he tucks us under his wing during a storm. Of course sometimes the wind drops and we flop, but we can always trust that God is holding us in the low times and if we do get tangled in branches, when we are tethered to God we can trust that he is going to climb that tree to us and get us down when we call for help. 

I am so thankful to live a life tethered to God, I am thankful that because I have asked him to, and invited him into my life, He has hold tight of me and won't let me go.  I am thankful that I can be my best self when I trust in His word and love and I am thankful that He is my protector in times of trouble, the one who is always there for me, whom I can always turn to, who shares in my joys and sadness and cares for me as a perfect father who cares for His child. The exquisite freedom that is granted when I am being tethered to God is far more beautiful, joyful and satisfying that any supposed freedom the world has to offer.  

But the amazing thing about God is that he doesn't force us to be tethered, he doesn't make us be held, he gives us ultimate freedom to choose to be tied to him or not.  And there is one thing that I am coming to learn, not just from flying kites but from understanding God and it is as Thomas Watson says: "To serve God, to love God, to enjoy God, is the sweetest freedom in the world."

You've decided to home ed, now what?

Post contains affiliate links

In my last post I posed two thoughts for you to consider if you have been thinking about home educating.  Now you have decided to take the leap, what next?
In this post I will discuss some steps you need to take next and some steps that you might like to take as you begin your home education journey.

If you child is currently enrolled in a school you must inform the school that you intend to remove them from the school to home educate them.  A simple letter stating your intention should be enough to satisfy the school and they are legally obligated to remove your child from the school roll and inform the local authority that your child is no longer enrolled in the school. 

And now you are free, and the adventure begins.  No curriculum, no timetables, no school bells, no tests, no deadlines.  The world is your oyster.  The only stipulation is that the education you provide be efficient (meets it's goals) is full time (the government does not specify how many hours are "full-time") and is suitable for your child's age, ability and aptitude (you are the best person to know this).  

This can be both exciting and daunting, where do you begin now?

With this newfound freedom and excitement comes the discovery of a whole new world of learning possibilities:  Home ed Forest School, music classes, science clubs, sports sessions, home ed rock climbing and gymnastics, home ed maths and literacy, group classes, playground meets, online classes, big box curriculums, and any other kind of activity you can think of set up just for home educated children.  These are just some of the many options out there that will help your child ,make progress, meet other people and fill up your diary. 

Of course all these things are good and important, but if there is one thing I have learnt over my years of home educating, it is to SLOW DOWN!  You'll probably want to sign up for every group possible, but the groups will still be there is a month, 3 months, 6 months time, put away your FOMO (Fear of missing out) and embrace your JOMO (joy of missing out).  Groups and classes give us a sense of security because it feels like we must be succeeding if we are busy, and we feel reassured as we pass on some of the responsibility for our children's learning onto someone else.  But remember you know your child better than anyone. You don't need to know everything in order to be your children's teacher, you can learn together based on your child's interests and pretty much all the learning resources you could possibly want or need are available to you online often for free.  Remember you were your child's first teacher and your ability to facilitate their learning didn't stop when they turned 5.

So take some time to really get to know your child again, spend time in nature, read some really good books together, find out what their passions are outside of the social pressures of school, find out what "subjects" they love and which they despise, find out what motivates them and what leaves them disinterested, discover if they are kinaesthetic, auditory or visual learners, find out what their love languages are, go for long walks and talk, watch movies together, get up in the middle of the night just to look at the stars, dance in the rain... Enjoy all the little things in life that you were perhaps too busy to appreciate when you had places to be. 

Don't rush, just enjoy.

As your home education journey begins to grow, you might like to think about recording some of the activities you get up to, this could be photographically or written notes or diaries, scrapbooks or journals. This will be useful for you to look back on and see your child's progress and as a way of gathering memories. There is no legal requirement for you to do this, but if there is ever any doubt as to your provision it is something you can whip out for the local authority to demonstrate that the home education you are providing is full time, efficient and is suitable to your child's age ability and aptitude.

Finally to quote Meryl Street in Death Becomes Her "now a warning!" But don't be worried, it's nothing to be afraid of:  You might receive a letter from your local authority asking for a home visit to check on your provision.  There is no obligation for you to accept this visit, no obligation for you to meet in your home, for them to meet your children or for them to see your child's work. You could meet elsewhere, such as in a library or playground or politely decline a visit altogether citing your knowledge and understanding of your home education responsibilities as a reason for not requiring a visit and that you'll let them know if you need any help.  It can be useful to provide an educational philosophy explaining some of the activities you take part in and some of your general plans, but it would be wise not to be too specific with these as if you end up not following through with your plans this could be considered a failure to provide an "efficient" education. Keeping communication in writing (i.e. email) means you will have all your communications with the LA on record. 

Home education can be a really beautiful and unique journey, remember you know your child better than anyone, you don't need to know everything before your child does, you learn together.  I'd love to hear how you are getting on or if there is anything else you would like to know and I will do my best to help, I wish you all the best on your journey. 

Here are a few links to websites providing free resources that you might find helpful:

https://www.amblesideonline.org/

https://www.khanacademy.org/

https://allinonehomeschool.com/

http://oldfashionededucation.com/

https://www.coreknowledge.org/

https://www.freedomhomeschooling.com/

https://www.bbc.co.uk/teach

https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize

https://www.teachyourmonstertoread.com/

https://freddiesmummyuk.com/homeschooling/

And some books that may be of interest:

Some words for International Breastfeeding week

This post includes affiliate links.

It's International Breastfeeding week!  Hurrah! I hear you cry! 

                                              

Except I don't hear this cry very much at all. What I hear a lot of is "Breastfeeding week makes me feel bad because I couldn't breastfeed for xyz reasons".  

Now as an ex breastfeeding volunteer for the Breastfeeding Network (I had to give up due to childcare responsibilities) I have a huge amount of empathy for women who have struggled to reach their breastfeeding goals.  I understand the challenges women face, breastfeeding if often HARD, that is one of the reasons why only 24% of women are still breastfeeding at 6 weeks post-partum and only 1% of women are still breastfeeding at the WHO recommended minimum of 6 months. This is not because 76% of women didn't care, decided that breastfeeding wasn't for them after all, or didn't try hard enough. Studies reveal that as much as 80% of women wanted to breastfeed. The reason is a lack of support.  

This lack of support has myriad facets, here are a few:

• Lack of access to support,
• Lacks of funding for support,
• Lack of support and encouragement from family,
• Lack of breastfeeding role models,
• The sexualisation of breasts in the media,
• Financial power of the formula industry,
• Lack of knowledge and understanding about breastfeeding from medical professionals,
• Pressure to return to work,

Women are unsupported by family, friends, medical professionals, their employers, the media, and society generally, we are shamed for breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding without a cover, breastfeeding beyond what society considers an acceptable age, told we are disgusting told to breastfeed in toilets, and even told we are sexally abusing our children, (when it comes to being a woman and breastfeeding you're damned if you do and damned if you don't and I talk more about this in my Patreon post HERE) it's a wonder any women meet their breastfeeding goals.   

And right there is our reason for celebrating those women who did make it.  They made it in the face of adversity, they are the minority, and that should be celebrated. Most women didn't breastfeed beyond the first few weeks, formula feeding is the norm, (it's infant formula adverts we see on TV not breastfeeding adverts) just like most people didn't run a marathon and jogging round the park or even sitting on the sofa is the norm.  But this doesn't stop us celebrating those who did run the marathon. The same should apply to breastfeeding mothers.  (I realise this isn't the best analogy as breastfeeding isn't a race or a competition where there are winners or losers, but it's the best this sleep deprived mama could come up with!)

International Breastfeeding week isn't about shaming women who couldn't, wouldn't, didn't reach their breastfeeding goals for whatever reason, any more than Black Lives Matter is about saying that other lives matter less,  It's about acknowledging the massive obstacles women faced and overcame in breastfeeding their child. 

And breastfeeding week isn't just about celebrating the amazing achievements of those mothers who reached their breastfeeding goals, it's also about raising awareness about the lack of support, and demanding better, it's about acknowledging that mama who gave her baby colostrum, that mama who managed a week, the mama who sought out donor milk, the mama who pumped for 6 weeks or longer, that mama who used a SNS so her baby could get as much breast milk as possible, and it's about saying we (as a society) should be doing better, we (as a society) should be trying harder. Trying harder to help mothers who are struggling, trying harder to normalise breastfeeding and trying harder to flip the sexualised message the media sends us about breasts.

So if you breastfed, no matter how long for, breastfeeding week is for you (because any amount of breastmilk is a wonderful gift), just as much as it is for those women who did reach their goals. It's not the time to justify personal hang-ups, guilt or grief, it's about supporting, celebrating and educating. 

In a society where you are more likely to see a breast in a push up bra than with an infant attached, let us have one week to celebrate our amazing bodies.  Now is the time to celebrate our stories, to shout our achievements from the rooftops without worrying about making someone feel guilty. (Should those who finished the marathon not celebrate their achievement for fear of making those who didn't finish, or didn't take part feel guilty?) Do you think men would think twice about celebrating their breastfeeding goals if they could breastfeed? Not a chance, yet we women minimise our achievements to try to prevent others from feeling bad and it has to stop. We have to stop minimising our biology (again, I talk more about this in my " Embrace or Erase" series over on my Patroon HERE).

In International Breastfeeding week I want to celebrate that I have breastfed three children, two through pregnancy, through mastitis, through poor latch, pain and years of sleepless nights, that I pumped milk for a friend's baby and that I am currently still breastfeeding my four year old.  I don't want to feel like celebrating my achievements might make my friends who didn't reach their goals feel guilty and resentful, I want to feel like they are standing right beside me, celebrating with me for their own achievements no matter how big or small as well as mine, and fighting for better with me.  And I want to fight all of the things I mentioned above that are barriers to breastfeeding so that more women can achieve their breastfeeding goals and feel like International Breastfeeding week is for them too.

If you're interested in reading more about how our society views women's breasts and how this affects breastfeeding, I would encourage you to visit my Patreon page HERE  and read my post called "Embrace or Erase part 1".

If you are looking for support to breastfeed you can contact The National Breastfeeding Helpline which is open from 9.30am till 9.30pm daily on 0300 100 0212

If you would like to understand more about breastfeeding, here are some books that I highly recommend:

Zentangle

Hi Friends,

I have been so overwhelmed by the support I've had for my new product which I just released this week, I have been blown away by the number of sales I had so soon after releasing it, it really warmed my heart and motivated me to share my example pages with you as I work through them.  I really hope they will inspire those of you who have bought my product and I look forward to hou sharing some of the pages with me online.
For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about; this week I released my "Mama Space Journal" into the world.  It is a digitally downloadable journal, specifically designed for mums, with 50 prompts to encourage relaxation, reflection, creativity and mindfulness. You can find out more in my Etsy shop.  Although I have written the prompts with motherhood in mind, almost all of the prompts could also be used by those who are child free.

Mothers and motherhood though; those are my passions.  My "why". Because I know what it's like to face the misery and majesty of motherhood.  I've been there in the wee small hours with a crying baby, feeling like I was the only person in the world whose child would not sleep through the night.  I've experienced the sore, leaking breasts, the peculiar discomfort of a changed body, the stepping into a strange new unknown version of myself. I also know the joys of motherhood, the absolute wonder of the gift of bringing life into the world, the power of it and how after giving birth you look around and wonder if anyone notices that you are changed.  And I know what I needed when I was (and still am) going through all this.  I needed someone to acknowledge how damn hard this motherhood journey is, how it wears you down to the bone, how it bares your soul completely naked and exposes the hidden parts of yourself.  I needed someone to say it's hard, but you're doing a great job. I needed someone to say what you are doing it worth something, that all your hard work is precious and important and seen.   And that is what this journal does.  It says you are awesome, what you are doing, raising children, it's monumental, it's THE most important thing you can do now those little souls are in your care but mostly it says mums need to be looked after too, mums need care and time to reflect on this epic journey of self discovery they are embarking upon. And it offers a small jewel of hope, a light in the dark, an opportunity to grab with two hands and make your own,.  A chance to relax, reflect, to capture the creative spirit that burns inside your heart since your body became switched on to creating when you conceived that child in your womb (or heart).  That is why I wanted to bring this journal into the world, because I love motherhood and I think it is important and I want you to love it too and know that what you are doing matters.  For all the discomfort and challenges it brings, there are also the moments of exquisite joy that make it all worthwhile.  Because you come from a long line of strong women, because women have always had to be strong, I want to bring this to you to acknowledge your strength and to help you to own it, to see the complex  and intricate web that has been woven through generations past and generations to come because of the gentle and loving power of motherhood. What you are doing matters, motherhood matters, and I am honouring that with this creative space that I have designed for you.  I really look forward to this journey as I work through the book in the hope that I will have some kindred spirits to join me through the experience over the coming months.

In this post I wanted to talk to you about using the journal and especially the Zentangle prompt.  Unlike some of the prompts which ask you to dig deep, the Zentangle doesn't require any soul searching, so it acknowledges that sometimes mamas get tired and what they need from time to time is a little mental escapology. Drawing a zentangle is a great way to do this and an un-daunting way to start getting creative as it requires little equipment, time or mental investment.  You simply pick up a pen and begin, which is why I decided to give a tutorial on this prompt first.

In an ideal world, when we approach a mindful or reflective journal or creative prompt in your "Mama Space Journal" it is good to get into the right head space.  This means child-free, quiet and time.  If you are lucky enough to be able to get these three things that is so great, you'll really be able immerse yourself into the prompts (if you haven't don't worry I will talk to you about that later.)

During lockdown it has been especially hard to find time to myself so I can absolutely empathise with mums who are feeling burnt out and overwhelmed because that is me right now. I am snatching the odd moment between my husband finishing work and cracking on with dinner every few weeks and I have insisted upon one Saturday afternoon to myself every two weeks.  My husband takes the boys out for the afternoon on those days so I can be home with all my art materials, my laptop and everything I need to work and get creative with painting, drawing and writing.  I also use my evenings (when the boys are down early enough and when I have the energy after a long day) to work on my creative projects.  Ideally I keep the TV off so I can fully focus on what I am doing. I know some mums who get up before their children to get some alone time which is also a really good idea, just doesn't work for me in this season, but maybe it would for you.

If you manage to get some periods of quite time to yourself you might like to begin by following a guided meditation.  I really love the meditation that Lucy H. Pearce writes in her book "The Rainbow Way" (affiliate link below), she helps us imagine ourselves moving into a special private creative space all of our own.  I really love this meditation (and have written versions of it for my retreats and my "Affirmation Card e-workshop") because it sparks our imagination and inner creative spirit, which is exactly what we need for a creative act.  It also encourages us to imagine a support figure to help us when we go into this creative space.

I thought this was rather a nice meditation that is free on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSqEYFsF3w8

And this one which is a little bit shorter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5dNHrYCYMw

Or if you only have 5 minutes there's this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TODtU3FKIMU

If you are relaxed before you begin you'll get so much more out of the creative activity. Maybe I'll upload one of mine onto my Patreon page some day.

Once you are in a relaxed space you are ready to begin.  Take up your pen and begin to create patterns, let your mind relax into the lines as you create them and let them flow from the pen.  If you get stuck try looking at some pattern examples so you're not blocked thinking about what to do and can let the lines and patterns come naturally.  Here are some examples on my pinterest page.

If you aren't able to get extended periods of quiet alone time to meditate and really focus on your zentangle, don't worry, you can simply add to your doodle whenever you can snatch a moment.  You'll still benefit from a small moment concentrating on the lines and shapes you draw, just do what you can when you can, perhaps before the kids are up, or while they have breakfast, if they watch TV you could do some creative work then, or when they've gone to bed.  I have been know to go and sit in my car for some quiet time during lockdown, just to get away from the noise and mess of the house. With kids you sometimes have to be creative with your time, but there is usually a way.  I have found that all together  I end up spending not an insignificant time each week on Facebook, so managing my time on apps like this and Instagram also frees up moments during the day when I could be creating.

Anyway enough talk, time to get creative, check out my little sped up videos below to inspire you:

    

 

So I hope you find these little videos helpful and you feel inspired to have a go at this prompt in your journal if you have purchased one.  If you would like to grab a digitally downloadable version for yourself check out my Etsy shop HERE.

Of course you don't have to buy the journal to have a go at drawing zentangles, you can grab any bit of paper and get going.  However the beauty of the "Mama Space Journal" is that all the prompts come together in one place, so not only are the kept together but you have a record of your creative journey as you complete all the prompts. In time it will become a valuable and precious document that you can treasure and look back on in the future to mark progress, reflect on memories and just to delight yourself with the wonder of seeing your own creativity manifest itself upon the page.

Corona encouragement

Just a quick message from me to tell you in the spirit of trying to do something productive and helpful in these trying times instead of withering away with anxiety I have made some affirmation cards, please feel free to print them off, cut them up and use them for your self, stick them round the house, pop through a letterbox, tape to a lamp post, etc etc whatever you like. 

Corona Virus days 1-3 Social Distancing

On Tuesday I received the message that our weekly Forest School was cancelled due to Government advice regarding Corona Virus.  I cried.  Not long after this every single other of my home ed groups were cancelled and we were faced with the prospect of having no activities or meets and not seeing any friends.  For a person who is pretty heavily reliant on chatting with friends for my mental health, this was very very bad news. I quickly broke my Instagram lent fast in an effort to avoid feeling totally isolated and jumped online to feel part of a community. 

We have managed to pass the time pretty well over the past three days, one visit to some woods, packed lunch included, a morning at a local nature park with playground and today was our first day where we could be considered isolated as we didn't go out. We spent the day reading books, the boys played, we did some art activities, and a I spent a lot of time telling the boys they would have to wait for their next meal before more food (seriously are they never full up?).

I am trying to find some brain space to reflect on what is happening, but it is challenging as the boys seem to be picking up on a vibration or energy in their air of panic, anxiety and fear, even though hubs and I are trying to remain calm and not panicked (though inside I am pretty stressed out and have an aching jaw from clenching my teeth all night and half the day) and are therefore absolutely bonkers!

However I have been able to stretch my brain just enough to arrive at the following observations:

• This whole thing would never have happened if people didn't eat animals,
• The UK is in a particularly difficult situation as of the end of the week when schools close because we have a very strong culture of two working parent families, both by force of finances and social pressure.  This means either one half of the workforce is forced to stay off from work, or children will be looked after by at risk grandparents. 
• We have a very strong individualistic culture, so people aren't automatically thinking of others by offering to do their neighbours shopping, or help generally.  Supermarket shelves are empty because people are over buying. I don't know who the people are who are buying more than they need (though I have my suspicions which I won't go into it here at risk of offending) but it most certainly isn't the large families like us, living in tiny houses as they do not have the storage space for stashing away hundreds of loo rolls and tins of baked beans. These people who are hoarding are selfish.  The same goes for the people who are continuing to visit pubs, restaurants and nightclubs etc.  These people are putting others at risk.  Now is not the time for Keep Calm and Carry On.  At times like this, the bravest and hardest thing to do might just be to stay home. 
• A couple of weeks ago before this who thing really got serious in the UK the MPs gushed on Question Time about how we were all going to pull together and look out for each other, the "spirit of the blitz" and all that.  There are glimmers of this but overall my feeling is that no one remembers what the spirit of the Blitz is, sacrificing your own wants for the needs of others is a lost concept to most people these days. Our parents have lived through a long period of relative prosperity, peace and financial security, so there is no genetic memory of having to band together, we have inherited an attitude of expecting everything to turn out just fine and when faced with the prospect of it not all being fine, people are turning inwards not outwards. 
• Maybe something good will come from this whole disaster, it is forcing some families to spend more time together, friends and family members are looking out for each other, there are neighbours sending notes round offering help, there are small cracks of light breaking through I have hope that there are still individuals out there who think of others.   I worry of course for those who are not able to get away from toxic or abusive family members, single working parents, those who have lost their job because of this and the myriad other people who are being so negatively effected by this. 
• The world will be different afterwards.
• I am incredibly thankful that I do not have to work, that my husband is able to work from home and that I feel safe an comfortable in my home. 

In my own small way I am trying to do something positive with this whole thing.  I am not in a position to be able to look after anyone's children, visit the elderly, do supermarket runs etc because  we are having to pretty much isolate ourselves because of some health conditions in my family which puts them at risk, but I am sharing poetry on Instagram and will be sharing a few of the activities we are doing to pass the time which I hope might inspire others and put some beauty into the world

I intend on updating this journal every few days, sharing how we are managing, the problems we encounter and tricks and tips on mentally and emotionally surviving this. 

If you're interested in supporting me with my writing and art I'd love it if you visited my page on patreon where you can read more of my thoughts, musings, ideas and art. 

What I learned when I quit social media

The first day I was constantly picking up my phone then putting it down again, the
habit of looking at my phone was so strong it was like an impulse.

I had decided to give up social media for lent.  Facebook and Instagram were my main vices, they had become a distraction from my children, from my husband, from housework, from life.

I soon overcame my impulse to constantly check my phone, but it wasn't really until lent was over that I began to realise the benefits of avoiding it, and the real negatives of engaging with it.

During my fast the many benefits of not being on social media became abundantly clear.  I was more available for my family, less distracted and the awful image of the mother with her face glued to her phone was gone.  I am not perfect so I did replace the phone with books, but how much more inspiring is it for my children to see their mother distracted, or otherwise engaged with a book than it is a phone!? I was less stressed as I wasn't getting caught up in petty arguments and I was cut off from my main news source, (I even watched the actual news a couple of times during my fast as I had no idea what was going on in the world!) so my anxiety about world issues was massively reduced, and because my mind wasn't overwhelmed by the plight of people and environment in far flung places I felt more available to help with the everyday plights of my children, husband, friends and home, my circle of influence.  I had more emotional energy for them as I wasn't wasting any on things that I couldn't have any impact on.

Not being on social media freed up my time as I wasn't wasting it staring at the screen at mindless junk.  I was tidying the house, I was batch cooking meals, I was changing bed sheets, I was gardening and I had more time for reading books. Time scrolling facebook during evening breastfeeds with my two year old were spent pinning exciting things on Pinterest (though be warned, Pinterest can be a rabbit hole, so I know now I have to stay on topic.  One minute I am looking at ideas for sensory play for two year old's, and the next I am reading about how the world is flat and the queen is a lizard (I kid you not!).)  My FOMO (fear of missing out) was unfounded, I didn't miss out on anything at all, my friends relayed events to me that they thought would be interesting and I got plenty of information from my friends on messenger and through emails.

So I bet you think I have stuck with not going on Facebook of Instagram since Easter?  Well you'd be sadly mistaken. Over the last few weeks I have re-immersed myself fully in social media.  I have very quickly fallen back into my old habits of constantly looking and checking my phone.  My husband has noticed I am distracted and I am sure my children have too. My children now see me on my phone as an everyday occurrence, the phone as an extension of my hand. I desperately don't want them to think that having a phone in your hand to stare at is a normal thing, and something they will do.

From the first moment I began scrolling through Facebook I was seeing posts that caused me anxiety, at least 5 posts unnerved, angered or otherwise bothered me in the first five minutes of scrolling
And this has continued ever since. It is terrible, I have slipped back into old habits so quickly, once I pick up my phone and start scrolling I find it extremely difficult to stop, I get into arguments with people I don't even know and get frustrated with trying to reason with idiots! Why do I do this to myself?

So I want to say right now that I am giving up Facebook and Instagram for good.  But I can't.  Let me tell you why.

Facebook and Instagram give me a voice, or at the very least make my feel like I have a voice which reaches further out into the world than to the friends and family I see on a weekly basis.  I feel like I can have an impact on the lives of others through what I share online. I enjoy feeling like I can bring joy, comfort and encouragement to others, that I can make people think, stretch people out of their comfort zones and have my own thoughts challenged and discussed. I missed feeling like I was part of a wider world when I was fasting from social media.  I also use Facebook for practical purposes, I document our home education journey with my family in a private group.

So now I need to work on getting a balance.  I need to work on self-control and stopping myself from mindless scrolling. I need to work on sharing stuff that I am passionate about and that adds something good to the world and my life and not clicking on and reading drivel. So from here on in I am expecting to spend less time mindlessly scrolling my home page, engaging with click bait articles and arguing with strangers about stuff I can't control or change.  I will be focusing on my circle of influence, so expect posts on the environment, veganism, home education, mothering, positive parenting and breastfeeding and more, and also just general feel good, or thought-provoking posts to those who know me or have some sort of real connection to me outside of the screen.

I hope I can maintain the will power and self-control to stick to this plan, I think it is worth it as I now know how much better it is to be living in the real world and not stuck to my screen.  Why  not join me and see how reducing your social media engagement can change your life.

7 years a mama

This month my eldest son turned 7, not only does it make 7 years since his own birth, but it also marks 7 years since I was born a mother.

People usually forget to consider the mother's birth-day when the children's birthdays pass but I think it's an important thing to honor, especially with the first born.

For me it is a significant moment every year as I reflect on how far I have come and who I am now as a person on this journey of motherhood and life.

Motherhood has changed me so much.  It has expanded my capacity to love far beyond anything I could ever have imagined pre-children. It has also stretched my capacity for patience and self-control and has taught me how to sacrifice myself for the sake of others.

7 years ago I was the centre of my own world, my husband and I did as we pleased, answering to no one really.  We went on lovely relaxing holidays, we did nice things together like going on bike rides and strolling leisurely round National Trust houses and taking afternoon tea in quaint cafes. I went out with my friends and had a job where I was able to measure my success and know when I had done a good job. I had a clear separation between my work time and my own time.  I was a teacher, so the dependable school bell transported me through the day in chucks of time where I was either with children teaching or doing my own thing.  I arrived, the bell rang, the children came, it rang again and they left, I had a break, the bell range again, more children, then lunch, followed by more children and finally home time, which marked no more children till another day, and an evening where I could do my own thing (as an art teacher my marking was significantly quicker to complete than say that of an English teacher).  In my free time you'd find me working on my own art and craft projects, trying to sell through my Etsy shop, writing blog posts, doing craft fairs and entering exhibitions and competitions

Life was very predictable, I knew what to expect, what was expected of me and I knew where the rewards and treats would come in.

Very quickly after my first was born, life couldn't have been more different I went through a huge adjustment and learning curve.

The first challenge was the lack of the hourly bell.  As mad as it sounds, it threw me massively to be under the control of this tiny unpredictable human who had no time scale, deadlines or countdowns.  I longed for the predictability of the school routine, but shunned the child training guides that would have satisfied this craving, in preference of a child led approach.  This was the first step of self-sacrifice.  I was choosing what I felt was best for my child rather than what would have suited me more at the time.

Fast forward 7 years and two more children and I am in a place where my life is almost completely at the mercy of my children.  I choose activities I think they will like, my schedule revolves around them and their needs, naps, snacks, meal times, bath times, play dates, home ed groups.  Even weekends are dictated by the moods of the children and what they can or can't cope with on any given day. A trip to a playground or walk in a woods is a likely most weekend, like dogs my children need regular walks.  I have totally lost my life and given it to my children. Gone are the bike rides in favor of walks to the park, gone are the leisurely National Trust strolls, replaced by raucous romps round National Trust gardens and whistle stop tours of the house with regular cries of "don't touch that!" and "that chair's not for sitting!". Elegant afternoon teas are a thing of the past, in favor of picnics on blankets, with any restaurant experiences leaving us sweaty with the stress.

I realise I am not painting a very pretty picture of motherhood here and that it won't be like this forever, (I hope one day to eve be able to enjoy an afternoon tea with my sons!) it is hard work most of the time, and yet, I feel so much richer as a person for the experience.  I never knew how it could feel to have your heart leave your body and split into three new hearts.  My ability to experience compassion and empathy for them  is sometimes painful.  It's makes you wonder why we do it!
My ability to hold my patience is so much more than when I was a teacher, (which leads me to believe I would be a far better teacher because of this experience of motherhood.)  And my ability to sacrifice my own desires for my children sometimes astonishes me. I could not have imagined how I could have tolerated one, two, sometimes three extra bodies in my bed at night, hot and sweaty, wriggling and twitching, moaning and crying all night long, and yet I have learned to contort myself into the most unique positions in bed (sometimes even evacuating myself altogether) in order to accommodate them.  Who knew I could sacrifice my last piece of chocolate or cake for two big eyes so sweetly asking for a bite.  Or given up on nights out with the girls, restaurant meals with my husband, time to ourselves, in exchange for being there to breastfeed my babies and toddlers.  I really never knew I had it in me!

I have very little time for my own work or creativity now.  Evenings snatched here and there to write a journal article, the odd afternoon to plan a retreat or make a painting.  The great irony is that pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood have awakened in me a vast and unquenchable desire to make, create and write and teach.  I have an abundance of creative ideas, but a painful austerity of time!  I think often on how I could have been so much more productive all those years ago had the ideas and motivation come to me then, when I had so much free time (though hilariously, at the time, felt I had hardly any!  Little did I know!). It's some sort of bitter twist of life that the creative urge and abundance of ideas has come so strong now when I have so little time to fulfil it.  I wonder why that is?  Will it stick around once the children get older and I have more free time again, or will it disappear along with the sweetness of toddler-hood and early childhood?

7 years a mother, wow!  I have come so far.  There are many more grey hairs now much more baggy skin, an aching tiredness like I could never have known, and a love so strong it sometimes brings me to my knees and forces tears from my eyes.

Someone once asked me if, knowing what I know now about motherhood if I would choose to do it all over again.  And I thought about this question.  Would I choose the pain and discomfort, the tiredness, the absolute invasion of privacy, the sacrificing of my body and time, the stress and the upset, the crazy-making noise and constant demands on me...

Yes I would!

I would choose it again, not just for the three amazing humans that I have helped to rise and who I get the privilege to know, but also because of the person that has birthed inside of me, the person who has grown and expanded.  I am part of a bigger thing now, it all starts to make sense, this life here on earth, my purpose has become much clearer.  I would never want to go back to that selfish, narrow minded person that I didn't even know I was before, I feel like an upgraded version of the person I was before, like I had a new update installed which is not a good way of describing this strange expanded knowing and understanding I feel now, but it is the best I can do (I really am very tired you know)

So yes, in spite of how hard this gig is some days (most days) I would do it all again in the blink of an eye, without hesitation, for I would never have known the feeling of creativity that comes from creating life.  And although I won't get to see the results at the end of the year as I did in teaching, there will be no assessment sheet on how well I am doing as a mother, I really won't know for a good 10-15 years if I did ok at it or not, I know that perhaps the results are immaterial after all, because perhaps the results aren't the children at all, the results are me.  Did I learn from it?  Did I change and grow?  Did I become a better human because of it?  Yes, yes, YES!  I surely did, and will continue doing so and I look forward to seeing the human that I become in 10-15 years time as much as the humans that they become.  Because those 7 years ago when a boy was born, so was a mother, so I am only 7 years old after all.

The Power of Positive (and Negative) Thinking

A little while ago I was doing my usual jog round the lake, I was doing a good pace, about normal, I wasn't puffed out or aching in any way, it was an average jog I felt ok, until for some reason in my head I began replaying a conversation I had with another mum several years ago.  I don't know why this conversation came to mind but I was replaying it back in my head word-for-word.

The conversation was about childbirth.  I was describing the experience of giving birth to my first child.  It wasn't a particular positive experience for me and I remember clearly saying in my head to myself as I was jogging along "I was so scared", recalling the experience.  At that exact moment, for no reason that I could explain I stopped running.

I wasn't tired, out of breath, in pain, but the power of that negative phrase quite literally stopped me in my tracks.

This led me to think about how powerful a negative inner voice can be and how mindful we have to be of it.  It was also a powerful reminder of the importance of using our positive inner voice.

If that one negative phrase could be so powerful so as to stop me from running think how powerful positive phrases and affirmations could be in our everyday lives.

It's no secret I am  a fan of positive affirmations, I love writing affirmations for all sorts of people and scenarios, I love sticking them round the house and keeping them in my purse, they help me to keep a positive inner voice.

In my Etsy shop I have several series of affirmation cards available for digital download, but I have also put together an exclusive set of affirmation cards just for new subscribers to my mailing list.

You can print them off and use them round your house, or gift them to friends or family, place them somewhere that you'll see them every day.

You can subscribe right here and receive a link to these downloadable affirmation cards immediately. You'll also receive notifications of new blog posts, newsletters, giveaways and updates.

As for me and my thrice weekly jogs, I am focusing hard on positive thoughts to keep me running and I haven't stopped so far.

Subscribe to my mailing list

* indicates required

Email Address *

First Name

Last Name

A Wonderful Day

A few weeks ago I ran The 2018 Gentle Parenting Retreat, it was a great success, and I really want to tell you about it and celebrate with you and those who attended with photos from the day and some ideas to extend the workshops.

Here was the premise:

We began the retreat with a little get to know you session, I asked each mama to write a question on a slip of paper to put in a basket and pull out one at a time, we had some really great questions including who would you invite to your fantasy supper? What is your favorite building? And Name an event in your live that changed you for the better.  We didn't manage to answer all the questions so saved them for use later, but it was really great to find out more about everyone there and help them to relax and get to know each other better.

We then moved into the room that we were using as a studio and began our creative session with a guided meditation.  I wrote the meditation myself based on the guided meditation in "The Rainbow Way" By Lucy H. Pearce. The meditation invited the mamas on a journey to their own inner sacred creative space where they could feel safe to express their creativity.  After the meditation we began the storytelling art piece I had planned.  This piece was based on an exercise created by The Dulwich Centre, designed to help vulnerable young people, and is now a process used around the world. I was also inspired by the words of Nathan B. Weller when I was writing my narrative for the guided piece.   The point of this exercise was to help us to focus on different aspects of our life, how we spend our time, where we have come from, our skills, dreams, hopes and the legacy we intend to leave behind us when we're gone.  All these make up our story.  When I was planning the activity at home it helped me realise what is important in my life and where I need to focus my attention to make the most of my life.  It also helped me realise what I have to give, and how little of my energy I positively spend working on the things I want to be my legacy.

We tried to maintain the meditative feel in the room and in our own head spaces whilst I read the instructions I had written for the art piece.
When the drawing and writing part of the process was complete we opened up the space for more conversation and we added colour with chalk pastels to our Tree of Life pictures.  I chose chalk pastels because their colour is so pure and vivid. We filled in our trees with the colour to transform the piece from an illustration of a process into a piece of art that is visually appealing, inspiring and uplifting.

After the art pieces were finished I closed the session by reading a poem called "Advice from a tree" by Ilan Shamir.

Beautiful finished pieces:

Aren't they beautiful, and all so different and colourful.

We then enjoyed a yummy vegan lunch and began the afternoon session run by my good friend Vicki Clubley-Moore which was a vision board workshop.  She gave us a beautiful guided meditation followed by some journaling prompts and the workshop for making the vision boards. It was a really inspiring workshop and helped me gain more focus on what I want my life to look like.

It was a really great day, so lovely to chat with the like-minded mamas who attended and I am so grateful to them for committing to their own self care and trusting in me to provide a good day for them.  I am so thankful to each and every one of them for their beautiful contributions to the day, and look forward to running another day in the future.

For the mamas to came to the retreat (and anyone else who has completed the Tree Of Life exercise, here are a few activities to take the experience further:

Journaling:
You may have done some journaling about this already as you completed your drawing of the tree, but you can add to this after by way of reflection.  From writing about where you have come from you might need to journal a bit about how your upbringing has influenced you now both positively and negatively, you could consider how negative experiences have informed your life in positive ways. As you wrote down the things you do daily you might have noticed that there aren't many things you do just for yourself each day, you might like to journal about what ways you can include more things in your day that nourish you.  When considering your skills you might want to write about what skills you want to develop or new skills you would like to learn. As you reflect on your values, you might like to journal about how you are instilling these values in you children and link this to your legacy.  When reflecting on your hopes and dreams consider ways in which you can achieve them.  You might have had thought of things you want to do to achieve the legacies that you wrote down; things to enable you to leave behind the things you want to pass on. You can journal and list these and form goals and schedules for you to achieve them.

Letter Writing:
You might like to consider writing letters to those people in your life who have passed on legacies to you.  You could thank them for what they have done and let them know how important they are to you.  You could also consider writing letters to your children telling them about the legacies you wish to leave them (something for them to read in the future).

Art extensions:
You may have found yourself particularly inspired by the use of chalk pastels in this activity and would like to experiment with them further, here are some random time lapse videos on youtube to give you some ideas and inspiration:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdyS4uDuK3k
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbgPQNRcJ6c
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTzonXPclks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0qYTXLb90o

Also take a look at Pinterest HERE for more chalk pastel inspiration.

You might have felt inspired by the idea of trees and like to explore this further a google or Pinterest search will provide you with an abundance of inspiration and ideas.  For example you could experiment with creating a blow paint tree like THIS, a hot glue gun tree like THIS, you could also explore wax crayon rubbings of the bark or leaves of the tree.
Another avenue you might like to explore in meditative art and healing art therapy.