Let's go fly a kite

 This week we had one lovely, blustery day.  I took the boys up to the local playing field with a few kites and the intention to fly them.   After a rather dodgy start with one kite whose string frayed through and another that refused to fly at all, we finally got one up in the air and flying beautifully.  The boys eventually lost interest and went off to play in the playground whilst I continued to hold meditatively onto the handle of the kite, enjoying the sensation of the gentle tugging, the feeling of being connected to the wind high above me and the sight of the coloured kite swirling and twirling in the air like a party streamer.  I imagined the kite was trying to free itself from the tether of the string and fly free across the sky.

This idea got me thinking.  Am I like a kite that feels tethered and wants to be free?  What is tying me down and stopping me from swooping and flying?  It would be easy to imagine that when I committed my life to God as a Christian, to following Him only, I tethered myself like the kite.  Initially this thought felt awkward and restricting and I had to wrestle with it for a moment, but then came a divine flash of insight.  I imagined myself letting go of the kite to allow it to fly free, I imagined what would happen to that kite....

It would be blown chaotically across the sky, it would no longer hold its shape, it would swoop off in random directions, we wouldn't be able to see it's beautiful colours, the string would get tangled and wrapped around itself, it would likely get stuck in a tree or else drop to the floor still and lifeless, tumbling across the playing field like an abandoned crisp packet.  The kite was free, but was it able to show its best?  Could the kite live it's best life untethered?  I realised with clarity that no, it couldn't. 

For me in that moment this was very much an analogy of life with God. When we tether ourselves to God, it can appear like we are no longer free, like we are restricted, tied down, but in fact when we tether ourselves we can become the best version of ourselves possible.  With God holding the string our beautiful colours show, we can swoop and twirl in the wind in a beautiful and intentional display as the wind fills us and allows us to fly as high as possible, bold and bright against the sky, tail and ribbons dancing joyfully in the wind. This is not the chaos and collapse of life without a tether. What's more, with God we are protected, he keeps us safe from blowing away, we cannot get lost and are less likely to get stuck in a tree, he tucks us under his wing during a storm. Of course sometimes the wind drops and we flop, but we can always trust that God is holding us in the low times and if we do get tangled in branches, when we are tethered to God we can trust that he is going to climb that tree to us and get us down when we call for help. 

I am so thankful to live a life tethered to God, I am thankful that because I have asked him to, and invited him into my life, He has hold tight of me and won't let me go.  I am thankful that I can be my best self when I trust in His word and love and I am thankful that He is my protector in times of trouble, the one who is always there for me, whom I can always turn to, who shares in my joys and sadness and cares for me as a perfect father who cares for His child. The exquisite freedom that is granted when I am being tethered to God is far more beautiful, joyful and satisfying that any supposed freedom the world has to offer.  

But the amazing thing about God is that he doesn't force us to be tethered, he doesn't make us be held, he gives us ultimate freedom to choose to be tied to him or not.  And there is one thing that I am coming to learn, not just from flying kites but from understanding God and it is as Thomas Watson says: "To serve God, to love God, to enjoy God, is the sweetest freedom in the world."

I hear you mama

I am a very lucky lady in the sense that I very rarely feel lonely.  I have a good network of friends, other mothers and home ed groups so I am often surrounded by other people and when I am not I enjoy my own company and the company of my children. Loneliness and isolation are not feelings I often experience in my day to day life.

Unfortunately this morning I felt these things in the place you really aren't supposed to.  Church.

Going to church with very young children has a lot of challenges.  In the church I attend there isn't any childcare provision for under 3's. If you have an under 3 you have the option of staying in the service or sitting in the small chapel at the back of the church where some toys are provided and the sermon is wired through so you can hear it.   For this reason I usually leave my littlest boy at home with his daddy on a Sunday so I can enjoy the service with the rest of the congregation and my two older children go off to junior church, I normally have a wonderful time.

When I bring my littlest one I prefer to stay in the service as I find it difficult to hear the sermon and join in with the singing etc from the chapel at the back. However this means I have to be towed round the church by the finger by my 1-and-a-half-year-old, whilst he explores every nook and cranny chattering to himself and making demands of me to go this way or that (a little bit embarrassing and uncomfortable to say the least although I know no one really minds). As I am sure you can imagine this is not very conducive to a spiritual experience.  As it happened, this particular morning I was sat in the chapel at the back with my little one when the minister invited the congregation to pair up with a neighbour and discuss their experience of the holy spirit.  I sat in the chapel, on my own. I felt forgotten and unheard. I felt like my voice, my opinion, my experience, as a mother didn't matter, wasn't important.  No one else was there to hear my experience. I had no neighbour.

Now I love my church, it has been an incredibly welcoming place and I know this wasn't intentional and maybe on any other day this wouldn't have happened, there are often other parents in the chapel, but on this day there wasn't.  I felt lonely and unheard and unseen.

Next the minister went on to pray and asked the congregation if they could close their eyes and raise their hand if they wanted to receive the holy spirit for the first time, or anew.  I sat looking out of the chapel's glass doors whist putting together a farmyard puzzle with my boy feeling very far from the Holy Spirit. I felt like I was on another planet to everyone else there.  Whilst everyone else was on planet holy, I was on planet mother.

("blessed are the weak in spirit for theirs in the kingdom of God" right?)

Now this isn't a blog post about how church should be doing more for mothers or about how motherhood isn't as revered or elevated in church as much as it should be.  I could write a blog post about that, but this one isn't it.  There is good news  (Isn't there always when it comes to Christianity?!).

I was eventually towed out of the chapel and back to the general area of our seat where I was pleased to be able to take part in the final hymn.  It was a special hymn to me called "How Great Thou Art".  The words are magnificent and the melody very moving and it was played at my wedding.
(Incidentally "Guide Me Oh Thou Great Redeemer" was a hymn sung at our wedding and was sung at the wedding of Harry and Meghan yesterday, I just need to hear "Shine Jesus Shine" tomorrow for a full house!)

I started singing and belting out this fabulous old song and was completely uplifted, it brought tears to my eyes and I was struck with the message that I am not alone.  I realised that I am not unheard, I am not unseen, I have not been forgotten.
Because even when it feels like I am invisible to everyone around me God sees me, God hears me, and God is with me, right here is the misery and majesty of motherhood.

He saw me yesterday as I cleared up a spilled drink for the third time that day, He saw me the day before that when I fell asleep on the sofa out of sheer exhaustion whilst trying to read my children a story.  He saw me the day before that when I sat crying on the sofa because one of my children had moved and subsequently lost the back door keys moments before we needed to leave the house.  And He saw me the day before that and the day before that and the day before that.  And he saw me today being towed round church trying in vain to listen to the sermon, he saw me sitting with my baby as company whilst everyone else was in prayer, He saw me changing a nappy in the toilets whilst everyone else worshipped.

And do you know what mama?  He sees you too.

You may not even believe it, but it's true.  He sees you and He hears you and He loves you and He is with you and He has not forgotten you.  And I really think He wants you to know he is by your side all the time, He feels every pain, heartache and struggle you go through, you are not alone, you are not forgotten.  Even in the depths of loneliness, in the deepest trenches He is in the mud with us.  Motherhood bring us to our knees and He is there right next to us holding our hand and wanting us to know that all this is worth something.  When you have reached rock bottom and it feels like there is no way back up, when you are at your lowest low, when you feel totally alone, He is there, telling you to "hang in there mama" and "you've got this" and "I hear you" except it is so much more important and meaningful and 100% true from him, not just empty sentiments, but real true encouragement.

And you know what else, He can help us.  If we ask Him He will help us up from that trench.  He will take your hand and lift you back up into the light.  Just ask. God is like the ultimate listening partnership.  He listens and listens and listens and won't try to fix your problems or give you unsolicited advice or tell you it's all your own fault because of such-and-such a reason, or tell you about this one time when He had a really bad day (remember THAT day?!), but if you ask Him He will help you and he will speak to you, just be quiet and listen back.

He sees you, He hears you, He has not forgotten you, you are not alone.

Faith Story

I am about to share with you a story about an experience that happened to me several years ago.  God gave me a picture of something he said would happen.  When it seemed like the thing wasn't going to happen I cried out to God and said to Him that if the picture came true then I would tell people about it, not as a bargaining tool, but as a way of thanksgiving and to glorify Him. It happened, so here I am telling you!  

There have been many occasions over the last few years where I have thought I didn't really need to share the story, that it was no longer relevant, that God had forgotten about it, but surprise surprise, God doesn't forget and he has been nagging on at me ever since.  SI shared the story in church this morning and now I am sharing it with you:

In September 2010 my husband and I began trying for a baby, sometime after we began trying I was sitting in my parents living room, on their sofa and suddenly received an image of me sitting in the same place, but looking about 7 months pregnant, it was Christmas I felt like the image was from God because it was so vivid and real feeling. 

After about 6 months of trying for a baby nothing was happening, and I also wasn't having any periods, so went to the doctors and was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries, meaning I wasn't ovulating so couldn't get pregnant.  I began a course of treatment, but nothing seemed to be happening, about 2 months later I saw the doctor again and asked how long I should expect to wait before it started working, he said several months, so I felt I was in for the long haul, I had moments of despair when I thought I was never going to have a baby and started looking into adoption, around this time I also read a Bible verse that spoke to me, it was from 2 Samuel 7:11-12 and read:

The Lord declares to you that the LORD himself will establish a house for you : When your days are over and you rest with your fathers, I will raise up your offspring to succeed you, who will come from your own body, and I will establish his kingdom.

This Bible verse and reminding myself of the image of myself pregnant,( although I didn’t know if that was the near future, or many years down the line),reassured me that one day I would be pregnant. 

Throughout this time, my church home group were in on what was going on and I received a lot of prayer from them, I remember one day particularly stood in the super market car park after a church session and two of the girls placed their hands on me and prayed for me.  About 6 weeks later I found out I was pregnant, about 6 weeks pregnant! I hadn't had a period for 5 months.  I was of course absolutely thrilled and felt so thankful to God that I was pregnant and he had been faithful to the image he sent me.

When I was 12 weeks pregnant, the day before I was due to have my 12 week scan I had a massive bleed, I thought I was losing my baby.  I couldn't believe it, I cried out to God, I was devastated, we called the doctor but he said I wasn't having a miscarriage because I wasn't in pain, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to have one, and that it could take 3 weeks.  God amazingly gave me the strength to accept that I might be losing the baby, and to be able to give my situation to him totally, I didn't feel like I had been let down, or that the image wasn't from God, I felt like maybe it wasn't this pregnancy, maybe it wasn't this baby, but that God was faithful and I would one day have a baby, I just prayed that if I was going to lose it, then please let it be quick.  I felt a real and strange sense of peace although was obviously still very upset.  It wasn't my own ability to be faithful in God that made me able to feel like this, God gave me the faith I needed.

Thankfully a scan at the hospital confirmed that the baby was still there and I was so happy and thankful to God.   I had two further bleeds after this one, but God gave me the strength to continue to be faithful to him and to trust in him. 

Sometime later I sat on my parents sofa, 7 months pregnant, living the image God had given me.

So what I learnt from this experience is that there is no amount of effort that you can put in to get the confidence and faith you need in God, it is God that gives you the faith and strength you need to trust Him.