Gentle Parenting Retreat

Gentle parenting can sometimes be quite emotionally draining, it can take a lot out of you because you have to give a lot. Sometimes it is good to take some time out, not to get away from your children but to take some time and space to relax and refill your emotional cup. It's important we do this to be effective parents, we must meet our own emotional needs in order to meet those of our children.

It's for this reason I decided to organise a one day gentle parenting retreat near me for like minded mums to come together, share their experiences and relax.

The day will begin with arrival between 9 and 10 (I know what it's like trying to get anywhere early with children about), we will spend this time getting to know each other a bit and sharing a hot cup of tea or coffee.  

Our first session is a creative art session which will give us an opportunity to explore themes of motherhood, express our innate creativity and experiment with materials, no art experience necessary, we will of course stop half way through for refreshments.

We will break half way through the day for a delicious lunch.

In the afternoon we will learn about mindfulness and how it we can incorporate it into our parenting and we will end the day with a relaxing guided meditation so we can all float home in a peaceful and relaxed trance!

The day long session with two therapists and lunch costs £75.00.  I have 14 places available.  Any mothers who practice gentle parenting or attachment parenting are welcome to join us.  It doesn't matter if your children are toddlers or teenagers, the only restrictions on this even is that it is mothers only.  You don't even have to be local to attend this event.  

Please get in touch if you are interested, details are on the flyer.

Coping with a Toddler During Pregnancy (without resorting to TV)

I am not a massive fan of writing blog posts that tell people how to do things as if I am some authority on the subject, however coping with a toddler during pregnancy is something I wondered about when I was pregnant with Boris (not his real name), I never could quite imagine how I would cope being so tired and so sore and also having a toddler to run around after.  It was hard enough sitting at a desk at work all day.  So since I am now pregnant AND have a toddler (and seem to be coping) it seems fitting to describe the experience and the methods I have used to avoid going crazy and/or collapsing from exhaustion! 
Many people wait until their first child is older before having a second for fear of not being able to cope in pregnancy and I want to reassure women who want a second baby but feel they might be too tired that you can do it, you just need to make sure that you aren't trying to do-it-all.  
During the early stages of pregnancy I experienced sickness and tiredness but was physically able to move around fine, now in the later stages of pregnancy, I no longer feel sick but am finding it harder to run around after my little boy and it is now that I am having to come up with more and more strategies to keep me going.
I know plenty of parents let their children watch TV to give them a chance to get on with housework etc, and that is fine for them, but for me, I wouldn't be comfortable with this, especially having read Remotely Controlled by Aric Sigman.  I know everyone does what they need to to survive and I would never judge anyone for resorting to TV during difficult periods, but for me and my family TV isn't a satisfactory choice.
So here are some of the ways that I have changed my lifestyle in order to cope with pregnancy and a toddler:

• Go to places where your toddler gets to run around and you get to sit down - I used to go to play grounds and parks a lot, also farms and lakes where I would walk around and let Boris run around while I ran around after him.  This has been ok, but I can't do it every day like I used to.  Instead I find it much more relaxing to go somewhere like the children's center or a toddler group where I can have a nice sit down and Boris gets to play with and show me all the exciting toys.  He burns up energy and i get to rest so it's a win win.  There is also opportunities for interaction with other children which is a learning experience for him and usually a chance for me to have a cup of tea and some good conversation with a grown up human!  Children's centers are great because they are free and usually have an outdoor space so your little one gets fresh air.  They also have areas set up with activities at tables so you can sit with your toddler while he explores some play doh or a puzzle for example.  There are usually toddler groups running every day so if you can travel then you can plan your week around toddler groups for maximum rest/play opportunities. 

•  Sleep when your toddler sleeps - I know this is a cliche and some people find it really annoying to be told this, but I find it quite useful to remind myself that it is OK to sleep when my toddler sleeps.  I am not saying to sleep every time your toddler sleeps, I know there are things that need to be done, but if you can get a day time nap at least a couple of times a week, it does make a difference.

• Provide stimulating activities for your toddler - I have found that if I spend a bit of time engaging my toddler in a planned, stimulating activity, he is much easier to cope with afterwards, he is often even happy to play by himself for a bit so I can have a sit down.  Obviously you have to  make the effort to come up with an activity, plan in, sort out the materials, set it up and get in there and play with your toddler, which can be tiring when you are pregnant, but it is worth doing on those days when you have nothing else planned.  Here are some ideas for fun things to do with your toddler.

•  Get out of the house as much as possible - I have found that my toddler goes stir crazy if I try to stay indoors with him all day.  Fresh air and a change of scenery make all the difference so I often take him to the park, for a walk or simply to a friend's house where he can play with other toys and explore different surroundings. Often something as simple as walking to the shops gives your toddler the chance to burn off some energy and get some mental stimulation from his surroundings.  My toddler loves to stop and look at every stick, stone, man hole cover and piece of littler.  Let them, it gives you a chance to stand still for a moment and will make things easier later on because they will have been stimulated.

• Create a routine - You don't have to stick to it rigidly, but I find that having a predictable routine for the week helps me to feel grounded and  reassured. I like knowing what the week is going to bring and although there is still room for spontaneity, regular activities anchor me throughout the week.  I think that they help Boris too.  So when I look at the week ahead I know that for example I usually meet my NCT group on a Monday afternoon, on Wednesdays I do the weekly shop and go to  Nursery Service at my local church, on Thursday I attend toddler group and on Friday I have my breastfeeding support group.  Just having these few things throughout the week that I know will occur is really reassuring for me, especially coming from a background that was ruled by schedule and repetition (teaching).

• Don't try to do too much - I usually plan no more than two activities during the day.  One before lunch and one after.  There are times when I will try to do one more things and it ends up being stressful, rushed, and I feel bad for Boris because he doesn't get to take his time with things like his lunch or examining a flower because I am rushing him on to the next activity.  It is much better to be realistic with what you can achieve in one day, take your time, be gentle with yourself and your toddler and don't worry about letting things go.  It is ok to miss a toddler group or meet up with friends that you normally do if it means you can do a one off activity that you want to do, rather than trying to squeeze both activities. I m saying this as much to myself as to anyone else because I am often guilty of trying to do too much. 

I really hope this list of ideas helps anyone out there who is pregnant with a toddler and struggling or anyone who is thinking about having another baby but not sure how they will cope.  I hope I can add to this list, so please let me know if you are pregnant and have a toddler, what do you do to help you cope?

What I am Currently Reading - Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

This is a fantastic book which turns everything you thought you knew about behaviour managements and discipline on it's head.
It advocated reasoning, love and persuasion as means of working with your children is preference to rewards and punishments, including time-outs and praise. Our society is so used to using these sorts of behaviour management techniques without question thanks to TV programmes such as Super Nanny, that any alternative seems hard to imagine but Kohn puts forward very persuasive arguments in favour of a different approach to working with children which is far more loving, nurturing and caring than the traditional techniques. 
I think there are a lot of misconceptions about this book going round such as that children are allowed to just get away with anything and aren't given any guidance as to how to behave, but it isn't like this it all, it really needs to be read to be fully understood and I think if you do read it you would find it very hard to fall back on the old techniques that are so frequently peddles by "behaviour specialists". 
The only negatives I can say about this book are that it is quite a hard, challenging read, it requires quite a bit of concentration to understand and would probably take several reads for all the information to truly sink in (this is the second time I have read it, although the first time I didn't manage to finish it)  The other thing I didn't like about this book was a small section which had a bit of a Bible bashing feel.  Kohn argues that an authoritarian approach to discipline has it's roots in certain religious belief systems, citing old testament fire and brimstone as proof of conditional love from God.  However I would argue that the Bible is filled with evidence that God loves us unconditionally because of what he did for us through Jesus, I would also argue that Christianity doesn't assume we are innately bad (as Kohn suggests) which is why we need saving and why we must be taught to behave, but that we are innately good but have gone astray.  This is obviously an extremely simplistic explanation which requires much much more that I can write in this book review (if you are interested read Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell), but ultimately I think that in spite of this small section, Unconditional Parenting is still an excellent and extremely useful read.

When I began reading I was furiously underlining sections with a pencil for future reference, but fell behind when I didn't have a pencil handy, so here are a few quotes,, but they are mostly from the beginning of the book:

"What counts is not just that we believe we love [our children] unconditionally, but that they feel loved in that way.

"This approach (unconditional parenting)  offers a vote of confidence in children, a challenge to the assumption that they'll derive the wrong lesson from affection, or that they'd always want to act badly if they thought they could get away with it.

"That's an argument not for more discipline, but for grown-ups to spend more time with kids, to give them more guidance, and to treat them with more respect."

"On balance, the kids who do what they're told are likely to be those whose parents don't rely on power and instead have developed a warm and secure relationship with them. They have parents who treat them with respect, minimise the use of control, and make a point of offering reasons and explanations for what they ask."

An extremely good book for anyone who is interested in gentle parenting, gently discipline and building a strong, respectful relationship with their children.

Eating at the Dinner Table

Eating at the Dinner Table is something most families do right?  They sit together and chat about their day and they plan for the rest of the week.  They get things off their chests, talk about their worries, have a laugh and enjoy good food in the company of each other.
Well until recently my family weren't doing this, we were eating in front of the TV with our meals on our laps and Boris sat in splendid isolation in the highchair, strategically angled away from the TV in the vain hope that he might not watch it, when in reality he was straining his neck to get a better look!
For ages I had been planning on sorting out the dining table which had been pushed against the wall and predominantly used as a desk for my husbands computer and a space for clutter to accumulate, but I never could quite muster up the motivation to clear it of all the detritus and pull it out.  Until a few weeks ago that is, when Boris was asleep and I had a rare moment of energy to sort out the mess and get the table out.  We have been eating at it for nearly every meal ever since and it is so much better.
My husband and I actually have conversations! (I know, shocking!)  It was tricky at first, if I am honest the first few meals involved a bit of bickering, some awkward feeling silent moments, but we are getting used to talking and eating together now and the conversations are flowing. 
I am also finding that we are watching far less TV.  Often the TV would go on a every single meal but now we are eating at the table it doesn't go on at all during the day.  Yes, we are eating Breakfast, lunch AND dinner at the table.  I actually find it really relaxing and often read a book if it is just me and Boris, the lack of noise pollution that emanates from the box is very calming and helps me to think straighter. It must be beneficial for Boris too, to see us eating and talking together, he will learn about how people communicate, eat politely and he will also benefit from the peace to allow his inner voice to speak.  Actually his outer voice has become quite entertaining around dinner times now too, especially since his highchair is next to the mirror, he has lots of conversations with himself as well as us! 
At first I found it really strange not having the TV on when I was eating, it felt like there was something missing, or that I was missing out on something.  I almost felt like I wasn't enjoying my food as much without being visually entertained, but that feeling has gone and I really do relish the peace and chance to connect with my husband and little boy.
There are also the health benefits that come with eating at a table.  We are much more aware of what we are putting into our mouths and in theory should be eating less as we are more able to concentrate on what we are doing.  There is also the digestive benefits in sitting at a table instead of hunched over on a squashy sofa.
Then there are the myriad psychological benefits from watching less television from a reduction in stress levels to greater sense of self-esteem.  (Read Remotely Controlled by Aric Sigman for more on the benefits of not watching TV)
So the move from sofa to table was, all-in-all a good move and something I am now totally used to. I hope we contine this good habit for many many years to come as we watch our family grow.  I look forward to all the conversations we will have round a table, the laughs we will share and the connections we will make with each other.
Do you eat at a dinner table?  What do you love most about it?