Joyful Home

Yesterday marked two years exactly since we moved from a tiny two bed semi in a large housing estate just outside Reading to a 4 bed house in a little village in the Forest of Dean. It's been an incredible journey full of surprises, not least finding out I was pregnant two weeks after moving! 

We had great plans for our new home when we moved in, and perhaps we might have done them if we hadn't had to deal with pregnancy and a new-born, plus two bouts of covid, one of which nearly finished my husband off. We have, for some reason, suffered a lot of health issues since we moved including being diagnosed as asthmatic and my husband suffering from long covid, which have also impeded our progress on transforming our new house into our forever home. 

I am incredibly thankful that we have this beautiful space to live in with plenty of rooms and a big garden, and although we haven't achieved as much as we thought we would have in two years, we have had some successes including painting five of the rooms, getting new double glazing fitted, removing our old fire place and hearth and getting a log burner fitted, fitting a shelving unit in the dining room and lifting the patio and laying it to lawn. But perhaps more important than all those we have found a wonderful community here in the forest, of neighbours, home educators and Christians who have really helped us to feel at home here even if our house isn't quite feeling as settled as we'd like.

However, I am now feeling like the time is right to really knuckle down to improving our house, because, although I am proud of our accomplishments we have definitely slowed our progress in recent months (winter has an tendency to do that to you).  But now spring is here, albeit a rather wet one and I am ready to tackle some new challenges.  Spring time brings renewal and for me, a desire to have a good spring clean, freshen things up and get a few more jobs ticked off our to-do list. For these reasons I felt that April would be a good month to start creating a joyful home.

You may remember that my word of the year this year is "Joyful". I spent January thinking, praying and reading to help me work out what having a joyful year meant to me.  February was focused on "Joyful Parenting" and March's focus was "Joyful Home school". Before I get down to the details of crafting a joyful home, I was to spend a bit of time on last month's "Joyful Home school" focus.

At the start of March I talked to you about how our home school was feeling very disheartening and I was feeling very discouraged.  This month I tried a few new things but  I must admit, a month doesn't feel like a very long time to make big changes in your life, and I'll be honest with you, I am still struggling to make our home school feel enjoyable.  But I know this is just a small part of a large picture, that each new day is a fresh start and that my goals don't end just because the month has, I can keep on working on crafting a joyful home school for years and years to come. 

One things that I did to try to make things more joyful was to say "yes" to more spontaneous and fun things. One of the days the boys had asked to go for a play in a particular playground, I agreed even though no formal work had been done that day.  When we were in the playground my eldest saw a man with a pack of fish and chips and asked if we could go and get some.  My initial response was to say no and come up with a list of excuses for why we couldn't get chips; too expensive, not just before lunch, we don't have time.  But I decided to say yes.  We drove to the chip shop then back to the playground and ate the chips on paper with little forks and sachets of ketchup in the car because it had started to rain.  Something so simple but the boys loved it and it turned an ordinary day into a memorable day.

Another day, after of what seemed like weeks of rain we were invited to a beautiful nature spot in the forest to hang out for a morning.  My initial though was that we couldn't, we had work to do and I didn't want to make a packed lunch.  But I decided to say yes and we ended up having a lovely time on one of the only sunny days that week. 

Maths and English hasn't felt like such a chore this month either for some reason, the boys have been much more willing to sit down and get it done.  I wonder if this might be because I have worked with them individually rather than trying to do it altogether at the table and I have let my eldest do his work up in his room. 

Our topic of Australia has also felt good.  We were getting a big bogged down with the history so I decided to switch things up (inspired by some things I had seen on Pinterest (if your ever struggling for ideas to spice up your home school Pinterest is a really great place to go for ideas.)) and create a sort of 3D relief model of the topography of the Island, it was fun once we got started and the outcome ended up looking amazing and the boys were really proud.  I need to remember that I can be flexible in our approach to a topic and that it doesn't need to be studied in a strict, orderly way, it's ok to jump around from idea to idea to build up a picture of the place. 

I read a little book called "Joyful home school" (it was certainly appropriately titled) which gave me a few ideas about how changing my own mindset might make our home school life more joyful.  Gratitude, positive thinking and descriptive praise were all key features, things I already know really but need reminding of.  I have often had rather sceptical, negative thoughts about the power of positive visualisation and thinking, and gratitude, not without good reason but because it does not always align with the teachings of Christianity, and it can become an idol whereby we rely on our own ability to think positively, visualise positively and verbalise our gratitude to make good things happen and stop relying on God.  However the Bible does also affirm that thinking good thoughts, and gratitude can help you have positive outcomes: 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Those verses from Philippians have been such an encouragement to me this year and as I said at the start of this year, they remind me that the important thing to remember about joyfulness is that it is a choice and that it comes from Christ Jesus. Any positivity or gratitude, although it might make things feel better are ultimately meaningless unless I rely on the Lord for my strength and place all my desires in his hands. I have to remind myself time and again that it is ultimately God's will that I should be seeking.  

And so as I begin a new focus for the month of April, the most important thing is to remember that all my hopes and prayers must be asked in Jesus name and for it to be God's will. 

So, all that being said.  I now look to a month of April and how I will create a "Joyful Home". At the moment our home does not feel very joyful.  Mainly because it is a big mess but also because of the unfinished look of the place and the fact we are missing some items that would help it be less messy for example shelves where there are none, toilet roll holders and towel rings, and hooks.  I never realised how much I use and enjoy hooks until I had none! We also need to add some finishing touches that would help our home feel more homely like pictures and art to put on the wall and boxes that remain sadly unpacked. 

Those are the physical aspects that would help our home feel more joyful but there are other areas that need work too.  Our daily, weekly and monthly rhythms  for example, making set times for doing certain things that bring joy and togetherness.  A lot of my good ideas, habits and intentions have either remained just that or have fallen by the wayside because they felt too much like hard work compared to just letting the boys watch TV. This obviously needs to change.  I need to pull my finger out and start being more intentional with my routines and rituals, to take the harder but ultimately more rewarding choices. 

I am thankful that this month includes the Easter holidays because that means I can crack on with house jobs and feel less guilty about having a break from formal lessons. The boys can play and I can work on crafting a beautiful and creative home for my family.

 

I will be revisiting Sally Clarkson's book Lifegiving home to remind me of what is important and that it's not about spending a lot of money, but creating a loving and nurturing atmosphere that makes a joyful home and I will be taking with me the words of advice from "Joyful Homeschool" about positive thinking, gratitude and the other excellent points made which remind me that joy is not just about what we do but a mindset.  I will inevitably buy another book or two to help me on this journey and I will show you the results next month.  Hopefully I'll not only have visual changes to share with your but also atmospheric changes which reflect an injection of joyfulness into our home. 

Joyful Homeschool

I am certain that some British friends would wince at my use of the term "home school".  In the UK the term for teaching your children at home is "Home education".  Some people can become quite pedantic about not using the term "home school" because they say it implies school at home, which is, quite rightly what we are trying to get away from.   However I have found the term "home school" to be very useful.  It certainly rolls off the tongue more easily that "home education", and I have found that it is more easily understood by questioning strangers.  Funnily enough my children have taken to using "home school" to describe what we do in spite of my correcting them in the past. I think they simply find it easier to say and they find they are better understood.  

I think you'll agree that "joyful home school" has much more of a ring to it that "joyful home education".  My argument, like our American friends (who typically use the term "home school" in favour of "home education") is that in actual fact home school is not school-at-home.  The word school has several definitions, one of which is the place which children go to to receive an education,  this could be home could it not?  Similarly the word "schooled" as in "home schooled" simply means to receive an education.  So using the term "home school" certainly does not mean the replication of the institute of "school" at home. 

All that to say,  today I am talking about my word of the year "joyful"  and how I am going to be attempting to apply it to our home school (home education!).  

Before I begin I would like to take a moment to reflect on my February focus which was "Joyful Parenting".  I read "Yell Less, Love More"  By Sheila McCraith, and am about half way through "Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys" by Noel Janis-Norton.  I really enjoyed McCraith's book she is very honest and wears her heart on her sleeve which really helps you to feel a connection to her; it makes her very relatable.  I also enjoyed all her tips for yelling at your children less. She gives lots of ideas for strategies to use to get a handle on your yelling.  It is a fairly gentle approach to parenting and does ask her readers to examine what behaviours can be triggering, and how to manage them,  I like this idea more than the idea of having to spend time in counselling to supposedly overcome your triggers, learning to manage them is much more realistic.  However I have found that what you mostly need is a heck of a lot of self control to stop yourself from yelling, and what I really need more of are strategies to stop my children from doing things that cause me to yell.  This is where "Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys" by Noel Janis-Norton has been really useful.  I absolutely love her no-nonsense way of talking about children's behaviour, no messing about with talking about "big feelings", she quite honestly describers some behaviours as annoying (thank you!)  and gives really practical and achievable ways to help your children become less annoying!  I am about half way through this book and am already putting some of her techniques into practice, for example using praise (shocking!), more specifically descriptive praise ("I noticed you put your plate in the kitchen") rather than hyperbolic praise ("Oooh fantastic plate carrying!"), and reflective listening.  I am finding the reflective listening really helpful with my 6 year old he responds really well to it, but I often forget about the techniques and fall back into old habits of yelling, begging and coercing.  I also realise I also need to get my husband on board so that we can be a united front for things to really change.  There is still much to work on, and I will be continuing to hold "joyful parenting"  in my mind as I move into my March focus of "Joyful Home school".  

When I saw that I had chosen "Home school" to be the focus on this month I wanted to skip it, or switch it with something easier.  How on earth can I make our home school joyful? It really doesn't feel joyful right now.  The main problem is that my boys do not want to do anything that I suggest.  All they want to do is play with their friends or have their eyes on a screen.  Screens have become extremely problematic in our house in spite of me restricting them.  And I do believe strongly in restricting screen time (you can read my blog post about it if you like).  I don't believe children's brains are developed enough to be able to self regulate their screen time when it is, by nature so incredibly stimulating and addictive.  What is more, I do in fact have to give them an education.  I am obligated to by law.  I know that this can look very different to a school education, and I understand that some people who take an "Unschooling" approach to their children's education would encourage me to let them do what they like, (which I hear can include unlimited screen access), but I am just not the right personality to be able to do that.  It would cause me far too much anxiety.  Also I love learning and what I longed for when we decided to home educate was to share my love of learning with them; I want to show them all the beautiful things, all the art, all the music, amazing world history, astonishing geography, mind-blowing science, I want to show them the world, and I want them to share in my excitement about it all and I want to share in theirs.  So how can I do this without the tears, tantrums and repeated chants of "no," or "I'm not doing it," or "it's boring", or "I hate...(insert whatever it is I'm suggesting here...")?  The answer right now is that I don't know!  To be honest I really don't understand it because, as much as I hated school, I loved learning, I loved finding things out, drawing diagrams, writing descriptions, stories, being creative... Is it because I am Female and I'm just wired differently? I don't know, but something needs to change.

I have seen some people suggest that I could grab one of their interests and run with it.  For example, my boys are quite into Minecraft, and I have seen products online such as Minecraft Maths books for example.  Unfortunately my boys know from a mile away when I am trying to make something "educational", they're not that easily tricked!  

Likewise,  some have suggested that by letting them really get into the thing they are interested in, I might be facilitating for them to be then next amazing xbox game designer or coding expert.  However I would argue that in order to be a producer of something that requires creativity, a game designer for example, one needs to have a bank of experiences, images, sensations, art, understanding about the world etc in their hearts and minds to draw from in order to create something new and exciting.  I don't believe anyone ever created anything extraordinary from simply playing the old games day in day out.

What is more I quite simply don't want them glued to a screen every day.  I do not believe it is healthy, I do not believe it is nourishing or enriching and I do not believe it will help them to turn into good men who give something positive to the world.  I want to spend time with them, get to know them, share experiences with them and have opportunities for expanding their hearts and minds with new ideas and knowledge.  And I want them to experience all the good and beautiful things first hand. 

Talking to the boys, what they do seem to enjoy is field trips, though there is still a degree of resistance in leaving the house.  Unfortunately field trips can be expensive, they're tiring, and some things just can't be learnt through field trips alone.  They enjoy doing experiments, but again not everything can be learnt or experienced through an experiment.  

I want them to be free to enjoy their childhoods without the pressure that comes with a school education, but I also need to teach them maths, and how to write and spell and at the moment, this part is like pulling teeth! Help! I really have no clue what the answer is at the moment, so of course I am doing what any sensible person does in an unknown situation, I am going to buy books!  (My husband will be thrilled!) As March unfolds I will see how I can inject more joy into our home learning, and I'll report back here so you can find out how it went! 

I really believe home education can be a joyful experience for both me and my children, at least 90% of the time, that's the goal.  Joyful home school here we come!

Joyful Parenting

 At the beginning of this year I chose "Joyful" as my word of the year, and I have been using January to think about this word and map out how I will navigate creating a more joyful year for myself.

One area of my life which I have been finding especially joyless has been my parenting.  So I've decided to have parenting as my focus for growth in February.  Currently my parenting is feeling very joy-less.  I have got myself into a lot of bad habits.  Joyful parenting for me does not look like:

• Yelling,  
• shaming, 
• making my children feel sad, 
• punishments,
• distracting myself from my children with social media, 
• Not praising
• not having time for my children,

I'm ashamed to say I've been doing far too much of this recently. 

But equally joyful parenting doesn't feel like:

• Being nagged constantly,
• Feeling overwhelmed,
• Experiencing sensory overload from the constant noise and requests,
• my children saying unkind words to me,
• Feeling guilty
• not having any me-time.

I matter too.  

Let me tell you a bit about my parenting over the years, I've been doing it for over 10 years now so I feel I have a bit of experience.  

When I had my first I was very idealistic.  I read books like Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn,  How to talk so kids will listen, how to listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, No bad kids by Janet Lansbury, The Gentle Parent by L.R Knost, and books by Sarah Ockwell Smith, and others.  So you probably get the idea of where I was hoping to come from with my parenting. 

Now I am not saying that there books are bad (except Unconditional Parenting)  they are all good and have wonderful ideals, but they have become unrealistic for me, they have become a source of guilt and shame.  I cannot live up to the way parenting is presented in these books, maybe it would work if you have one or two children and they are in school and you have no housework, but, and I cringe to say it, gentle parenting hasn't worked for me or my children.  And we are now in a not-very-pleasant situation where we all shout at each other far too much, we don't speak kindly, I feel resentful, and they appear ungrateful and no one is really happy. 

I am certain some reading this will think that I was just doing it wrong and maybe there is truth in that but I need to find a way forward that works for me and my children that doesn't leave me feeling guilty, like a failure and like I have ruined my children's lives. 

But February is about being Joyful so I'm not going to spend any more time on self deprecation, adding more guilt to the load I already carry isn't going to help me.  I need a way forward that is going to be positive for me and my children. 

So, what does joyful parenting look like for me and my children?

Praising my kids - I didn't believe it when Alfie Kohn said don't praise you kids, it never felt right and I don't believe it now either.  I weep at the number of times I held back a cry of joyful praise at something wonderful one of my children had done, and instead joylessly described their drawing, observed their behaviour back to them, asked them a question about how they felt.  

How my heart sings now to cry "good boy" to one of my children.  Who doesn't want to be called good?  In Genesis we read God creating humanity and declaring it was "very good".  If God can call us good they I sure as heck can tell my boys that they are good, even very good!  Yes praising my children is joyful and I'll be doing as much of this as I can this year. 

Holding back the yells - I've nearly finished reading a book called Yell Less Love More by Sheila McCraith, and although the release of a yell in the moment might feel like a release of stress and give momentary relief, it certainly isn't joyful, so I'm going to try harder to hold back the yells using the techniques she gives (which by the way aren't fixated on examining your triggers, which I find, quite frankly like gaslighting parents.  Kids are annoying sometimes, lets just say that! they're annoying just because they are annoying!! Not necessarily because of some awful thing that happened in my childhood!  I hereby give you permission to feel annoyed by your children without having to masticate endlessly over why.)

Get off my phone - Distracting myself from my children isn't joyful, having them see me on my phone a lot also isn't joyful, not being present and missing things isn't joyful. I need to create some SMART targets for myself to get off my phone (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Timely) so this is something else I am going to work on. 

I also feel like joyful parenting looks like having a good time when I am with my children.  That they like me, trust me and respect me enough to know that what I am asking them to do is the right thing.  I think it feels like boundaries being put in place that mean they understand that nagging is not going to work, and that kind words help you get what you want and make you and others feel good.  I think it looks like getting time to myself to replenish.  It looks like laughing together, having fun together, having my children help me round the house.  Not having to yell all the time, working cooperatively.  I could go on, and perhaps now I am getting into fantasy land, but I think it is right to aim high, to visualise how I want it to be to "manifest" the life I would like.  

That's all I've got so far and I'm going to use February to read more books and and work out what else makes parenting joyful and hopefully I'll be able to get back to you with an update on how this is going as the year goes on, but I've got all year to work on this so there's plenty of time to figure it out.  The most important thing I am going to need on this journey is prayer, because I can't do this on my own, but "I can do all things through He who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13. 

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